Jan. 10th, 2017

lapwing: Ptolemy (That HAD to hurt)
[personal profile] lapwing
[On the network is what appears to be a young boy, about 12 or 13 years old. For a moment, he stares quite soulfully at the video output impossibly deep, black eyes, and then pokes at the screen with one fingernail.]

Not even a proper imp in there, how's that for you...?

[He pulls back and mimes clearing his throat. A voice far, far more booming than is fit for the child's face resounds across the feed.]

Right, broadcast. AHEM. This is just a friendly, non-suspicious question, inquiring on when the next coup or violent overthrow of this government is going to be. Not that I'm actually advocating it, I just know you humans really can't resist.

I'm pretty handy with a popcorn machine if anyone can provide good seats.
maskormods: (⒋)
[personal profile] maskormods
THE MAJORITY REPORT: JANUARY 10TH, 2017
Happy 2017, imPorts!


DASHBOARD CONGRESSIONAL
As seen on national television and ZZZ-SPAN:
In this new year, as a fresh session of Congress begins, the honorable body of legislators wishes a positive and prosperous 2017 to all of America's imPorts. Soon after the pomp and circumstance, a new national security budget will be on the queue to pass -- or stall upon. Depending. Some junior members of the House are in favor of security cuts, citing the very fact that imPorts exist as ample security.

STAFF DEFECTION
As seen in big city newspapers:
Recent and critical employment studies indicate that there are unprecedented shortages in medical staffing, especially regarding professional Nursing jobs.

"I won't lie," said Doctor Ana Collins of Maurtia Falls Mercy Hospital. "It's a very troubling trend that has been building over time. Emergency care sectors are usually understaffed, but we are upon a hiring crisis. Just imagine -- it only takes one national disaster for everyone to feel this impact."

COLD SHOULDER
As seen on national news and heavily Discoursed on Rumblr:
The Canadian city Toronto has instituted a temporary prohibition on any imPorts who might attempt to enter the city limits. Why? "Safety issues" were cited. Contextual note: it is not uncommonly believed, especially outside US borders, that imPorts skyrocket the risk of fatality. "Safety issues" as a reasoning, while vague, fundamentally aligns with this belief.

The US Ambassador to Canada is currently negotiating an end to this ban. The US Press Secretary issued this statement as follows: "ImPorts are members of this global community. They are kind, hardworking, and they are not perpetrators of aggression. We sincerely hope to reach an understanding with our Norther neighbors over what we believe to be a simple miscommunication."

TIER IMPORTS IT'S ME, GOSSIP
As seen on social media, Guzzlefeed, and TIER 1 IMPORTS Magazine:
TIER 1 IMPORTS is looking to run a WHO'S WHO issue in February of imPorts, TOLD by imPorts! HOW DO YOU TAKE PART? It's easy! If you are an imPort, logged into your verified Bwitter account and leave a TESTIMONIAL about other imports in our PUBLIC SUBMISSIONS PAGE. You can be as wordy or succinct as you'd like: spill the whole pot of tea, or just throw in an accurate superlative!

But remember, it'll all be published!

CODE SWITCH
The Homeland Security Advisory System has moved from CONSTANTINE LIME to MELLOW, notably an adjective and occasionally a verb, because the future is looking bright and illuminated.

WANT TO SUBMIT TO THE MAJORITY REPORT?
The Majority Report comes out the 10th and 20th of every month. You may find details and submit here. The cut-off time is 12:01 AM PST on the 9th and the 19th for the corresponding dates.

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