maskormenace | start of something shitty

start of something shitty

So -

[ Okay. So this is some found-footage shakycam stuff right here. Kitty Jones is staring into the camera with eyes wide with alarm. Her voice is squeaky and nervous. Her hair is mussed. Her shirt is wet.

Don't ask how her shirt got wet. ]

So, erm, Billy and I were doing a little bit of a spell to make latrines self-regulating and it sort of went a little bit wrong and now toilets are sort of coming to life? So, erm - Oh, no, oh, look out, look out -

[ She swings around. The camera catches one William Kaplan, Center of All Magic In The Universe, with his hands lit up, struggling valiantly against a toilet that's pried itself up from its floorboards and is now clomp-clomp-clomping towards him on its base. With a flash, it's shattered into shards of porcelain; Kitty ducks, shielding her head. ]

Oh, not that one, too...

[ She turns back to the camera. ]

We - think that this magic is going to be radiating outwards. So everyone check your loo, but check really really carefully. I can come and undo it - if I touch them, they'll go quiet - but just be careful. Toilets, port-a-potties, outhouses, all of them, they're all hostile. Stay safe, and oh God make sure that you've flushed before you try to fight them, please make sure you've flushed.

[ ooc: So this is the post regarding the miniplot referenced here! Feel free to have your characters' toilets come to life. Kitty's warning is not completely correct: toilets will treat your character as they themselves have been treated. If your character has been neglectful of their toilet, doesn't clean, flushes cigarettes down it, buys super-cheap toilet paper, etc., then the toilet will be vengeful and wrathful. However, if your character treats their toilet well, keeps it clean and maintains it well, then the commodes will be as loyal and affectionate as golden retrievers.

Alternatively, have your characters' toilets not come to life because this plot is (as they say) very crappy. ]

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Tell Kaplan to hurry it up and make it stop! [ said as Dorian's leaning against the bathroom door, trying to hold it shut because I said he was gonna die by toilet, he is gonna die by toilet.

anyway, hoo boy that toilet is trying to break down the door because somebody named dorian gray totally projectile vomited into that toilet a few days ago as a result of getting too drunk too fast ]

He's trying!

[ She says that frantically, and then - oh, wait, it's just Dorian? Oh. ]

Oh, you. What are you even scared of? You'll be fine.

I've already lost the security deposit on this damn place thanks to certain ex-boyfriends [ ABDUXEL ], this might end up being the straw that breaks the camel's back with regard to evic-

[ yeah, Dorian's about to keep talking but smash, that toilet busts down the door and hits Dorian UPSIDE THE HEAD, with enough force that wow, he straight up is bleeding. Surely that can't be...nope, it is. It's massive head trauma. the comm is still filming, but Dorian's slumped over, on the floor, bleeding onto the floor and yeah, he's straight up dead. Content in it's mission, that toilet is just sitting in the hallway, toppled over a bit, next to corpse de Dorian.

this is not dignified at all. ]

[ A beat.

And then: ]

Oh my God, Dorian just got killed by a toilet.

What-

[Billy looks and-]

That is not dignified, wow.

[ THE COMM'S STILL FILMING HIS CORPSE be proud of yourself Kitty and Billy, for Dorian will soon revive and yell at both of you. ]

Erm -

[ Ohhhh. ]

How long's it usually take him to come back from this? Also, God, I hope this doesn't end up on BlueTube.

Concerned about me? That's a first.

[ maybe if he doesn't talk about the fact that he got dead by toilet, no one will bring it up ever again...... ]

[ Oh. She lets out a breath, and then shakes her head. ]

How long have you been back?

I revived just a moment or two after I died via toilet. [ a pause, then explanation. ] Said toilet is now pushed out of a window, by the way.

[ Oh. Well - ]

Erm - yeah. Sorry about that. I'm pretty sure the government will replace that.

I know that you're probably going to hear this time and time again for the next few days, but really, Jones? Has your quest to change the world finally eroded your common sense?

[ A sigh. Here they go. ]

So you think that no one should ever use their powers?

There's a difference between using your powers and biting off more than you can chew. Kaplan's the latter. [ pause, frown, sigh. ]

Of course, you were probably the one that talked him into this scheme to begin with.

[ Excuse you. Bristling a bit: ]

Too right I did, and the reason I came to him is because he's really good with his powers, really competent. So I won't hear you sniping at him. Understand?

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[The video starts with a fumbling, jerky movement.]

Oh my god—! [The voice is recognizably Toby's.

The toilet taunts Toby the invisible from its spot beside Dorian.] GET AWAY FROM HIM!

[The view of the camera seems to move closer before the toilet lunges, and Toby obviously makes a fast break for his room down the hall, the door slamming behind him with a loud slam.]

Please, please, please— [In the extremely dim lighting, the camera seems trained on the door, loud porcelain thudding coming from the other side.] —I beg you, please HELP!

[ AND THIS IS THE POINT WHERE DORIAN RESPAWNS slowly propping himself back up with a sort of 'did this really happen' look on his face...while respawning to hear the toilet menace his boyfriend. aaaand time to yell at the comm ]

Oh for fuck's sake, if you two don't fix this now-

[ THE TOILET'S PREY HAS REVIVED, time to go after the person who obviously cleans the bathroom less than others, as it abandons Toby to go back to Dorian. this time, however, he's smart enough to STOP FUCKING FILMING, and the camera gets thrown against the wall as Dorian uses both hands to grapple with the toilet.

Kitty Jones and Billy Kaplan are so dead ]

[He's panting from holding the door when the thudding echoes down the hall.]

No, no, NO! DORIAN! [Maybe. Maybe if he could open the door and distract the toilet long enough to keep it in limbo somewhere between them. That way, it wouldn't really be attacking him or Dorian, so long as they maintained a good distance.

He throws the door open, light from the hallway spilling into the room.]

HEY! SHITFACE, HOW ABOUT YOU LEAVE HIM ALONE?!

[ there's some weird feedback where Dorian's comm picks up a bit of what Toby's saying as it's still filming the wall. ]

Look, what if- [ and there's a little yelp because Dorian Gray is seriously grappling with a toilet here, moving further and further away from Toby and away from the bathroom. ] Just, I don't know, push us out the window or something!

[ he is never getting that security deposit back. ]

[The device picks up the sound of stomping that moves away from its spot by the door as Toby rushes the toilet. He tackles it, trying to help/save Dorian and keep the toilet's lid down.]

Okay, okay, let's—

[If they could just find a way to get a good grip and thrust it out the window, surely it won't be able to come back, right?]

Ugghhh, come on! Once we can just—gaaahhhhh!

[The toilet lid slams Toby in the face.]

Edited 2015-09-12 21:54 (UTC)

[ theme music ]

Look, I'll get the bottom, you get the top, okay?

Yeah, all right.

[Clenching his teeth together and grunting, he does exactly as Dorian says, to the best of his abilities, and he manages to pin the thing's fucking lid down.]

So, on the count of three?

One...two...three!

[ aaaand out it goes through the window with a crash, falling to the pavement with a smash. There's a paaaaause before ]

Shit, where's my communicator?

[ not 'well that was weird' not 'how are we gonna clean up the glass' just 'shit, where's my communicator.' #priorities ]

Must be somewhere around here, yeah? I last saw it over—oh, it probably got flung about. Sorry.

[Steps can be heard returning to the doorway, and the device seems to move upward on its own. Toby sighs heavily before finally shutting the damn video off.

Turning back to Dorian, ] Are you all right?

My dignity suffered the most, [ said with a little wave of his hand. There's a little bit of blood in his hair but that's about it. ]

Honestly, I'm more worried about the fact that this will be a nightmare to fix.