IMPORTED LUXURY CARS!
As seen in local and national newspapers via press release:
Kitty Jones's auto shop, formally owned by the flirtatious imPort Knock Out, is now locally known to fix up high-tech, luxury cars for sale to wealthy natives. But here's the twist: Jones is donating the proceeds to the city of Heropa to fund public transportation, a dedication designed to help those in need of reliable and affordable transportation. Employees Adam and Saya (as seen in most photos of the Kitty Jones Auto Shop) aid in this noble endeavor. It is a bright spot amidst the news reel yet to come.
Plans to name a bus line after Kitty Jones (and two buses after her employees) are pending.
HOLY MOSCOW, BATMAN!
As seen on Vulpine News:
Moscow boasts that its scientists and engineers have created the most sublime and capable artificial intelligence to date. The claim continues that the power of the AI is unrivaled in its technological advancement, surpassing even that of the American imPort porter.
PANIC! AT UNESCO
As seen on major television network commercials:
Reports are trickling in that INTERCEPTED WIRES from the USSR allege to have taken American weapons hostage. The Secretary of Defense has not verified this reporting. Given the unnatural power inherent to imPorts, the international community (and specifically the UN) is tense with the anticipation of bellicose advances. Stay tuned.
FAIR WEATHER FIENDS
As seen in international news reports:
The violent weather patterns that spattered over the US during the last American imPort Swearing-In Ceremony have been traced to a suspected point of origin. The pinpointed location? The middle of Siberia. Not as precise as the meteorologists would like.
EYES ON THE PRIZE
As seen on national primetime news:
Citizens in imPort cities have been enlisted by local law enforcement to help locate and track all residing imPorts. Does an imPort work at your place of business? Do you know where an imPort might frequent for social affairs? Do your patriotic duty! Help our government keep track of our imPorts!
HALT AND CEASE FIRE
As seen in the 24-hour news blog cycle and referenced on national news:
From the keyboard of the anonymous "Cease Fire" memo --
What is "Cease Fire" and who am I? The second question I can't answer. I used to work with the government, but that's not the only reason I need to keep my name quiet. This isn't about fear or censorship, but those are not concerns we can ever take for granted.
If I can use my knowledge for anything now is the time. It's my worry that war is upon us. The signs are all there, tensions are mounting at an alarming pace and the military is being kept in the dark just how serious this all is. No government is ever transparent until they need to be. ImPorts are both a danger and at danger constantly in this world, that's your place in the world. Understand that it isn't an easy job housing and meeting your immediate needs while also taking care of the rest of the country, the majority populace of native citizens here. It's hard to know how government works without personal experience, and even then it's hard to like it or accept it. But you'll have to accept that it's unreasonable to expect this or any government to change around you and you alone more than it already has had to.
Most information dating from the previous stay of imPorts has been purged or rendered inaccessible since the government changeover in 1990, so no one knows everything; unless anyone who was working then has somehow stayed within the government somewhere, but they obviously wouldn't share what they know. They have a cover to maintain.
But this is not all to say I'm a fan, those are just facts to lend perspective to the conversation. My opinion is not relevant to my message today. Like I said, I'm fixing to apply my knowledge to good use. Tell you what I know, what I couldn't before. Answer questions if I know the answers. Give perspective and advice. This seems to be the only way I can reach imPorts so it'll have to do.
Questions, comments, and other contact can be sent to CEASEFIRE@CCHEROPA.GOV. I will respond the 20th of each month.
So long for now.
The Homeland Security Advisory System has moved from STYGIAN BLUE to TWILIGHT because while it might be dark now, hope for dawn springs eternal.
WANT TO SUBMIT TO THE MAJORITY REPORT?
The Majority Report comes out the 10th and 20th of every month. You may find details and submit here. The cut-off time is 12:01 AM PST on the 9th and the 19th for the corresponding dates.