FOR HEAVENS SAKEY!
As seen televised on local and national news:
Import Dr. Hermann Gottlieb-Geiszler was taken into custody late on April 23rd on charges of willful breach of government security. Details are classified, but it's a blow for the small, yet devout following of fans shocked by the news and arguing on behalf of the newly married doctor. But not only has Dr. Gottlieb pled guilty during his trial, he's offered no defense and shown little remorse for his alleged actions. Whether he's unaware of or simply disinterested in his staunchest fans is unclear.
Deemed guilty by the courts, Dr. Gottlieb is facing a two month sentence in medium-security prison, with the possibility of an early probational release on review. Officials say the De Chima-based imPort has been cooperative, but has threatened legal action against the local police department, citing violations of the ADA and criticizing the lack of official guidelines for the detainment of physically impaired suspects. So far, only a formal complaint has been filed.
"It could have been worse," Officer Reiman says. "We didn't expect to find [the suspect]. His file lists a teleportation ability and could have prompted an international manhunt. He'd had plenty of warning too-- had to get the cruiser buzzed in. Almost seems like he wanted to be arrested."
Meanwhile, imPort critics say that Dr. Gottlieb only let himself be arrested because of the unfair sentencing policies that favor cases like his. Typically, cyber crime has resulted in 2-5 year sentences for the non-imPort population. But whatever his motivations, there's no way to know for sure.
Dr. Gottlieb's evaluation is expected to take place on May 24th. His husband, Dr. Newton Gottlieb-Geiszler, could not be reached for comment.
BURNIN' DOWN THE HOUSE
As seen in HOT HOT BEAT, TMI Magazine, IMPORTED GOSSIP, and national news:
Fans of the hot yoga show "BODY HEAT!" were shocked this past week to discover the show's popular imPort host, Mick Rory, was arrested for arson. Rory admitted to setting his government-assigned house in Heropa on fire on the 13th of April, just before the holiday weekend. Rory has been sentenced to two months parole and community service, but has not given any public explanation for his actions.
Speculation is running rampant, with many pointing out that Rory had been known to offer his services to various Fire Departments in the Porter Cities, and had only just a few weeks ago had run a charity drive for the Heropa General's burn ward. Some have called attention to his little-used but widely known alternate alias "Heat Wave", and a rumoured criminal past. Fans online are split between those expressing outrage and those arguing it was a simple mistake.
As for BODY HEAT!, the producers made a public statement that they are reviewing his contract for breach of its Moral Clauses, and have since officially retired Rory from the show.
A BET-TER WORLD
As seen in local Maurtia Falls advertisements:
All bets are ON! WHO will be the next imPort arrested for criminal activity? The handsome Sam Merlotte? The incredibly loud Count Dooku? The beautiful Bela Talbot? The coquettish Yuri Plisetsky? Rope in your financial manager and/or gambling broker and put down a name, you could win it big if fate favors your delinquent pick.
(Smart money is on imPorts who are often seen wearing black).
YOU KNOW NOTHING, SPRING SNOW
As seen on the Maurtia Falls weather channel:
Bad news for people who were enjoying the spring weather. An extreme cold front is sweeping the east coast this weekend, producing blizzard like conditions for the state of Pennsylvania. You can expect to see snowfalls of up to two feet with wind gusts of up to 45 MPH. Folks of Maurtia Falls should brace for impact on April 21st. Wind gusts and heavy snow could cause localized power outages and downed trees. The department of transportation has announced that they are armed and ready with plows to clear the roads, and travel should not be adversely affected for long, but advises that drivers stay off the road if it can be avoided.
Just when you thought you were in the clear, it seems that Winter Is Coming back again.
THE DOOK OF HAZARD
As heard online, on all the best podcast-supporting websites, and discussed in metahuman-related conspiracy blogs:
The newest episode of Count Dooku’s political podcast Counting Truths features The Doctor as a special guest star, interviewed by the Count for his take on recent dangerous incidents like the attack by armies of historical mirages that ruined the last weekend of March, and the blight of apple crops rumoured to have been caused by failed biogenetic testing.
The Doctor’s interview mostly involves a lot of rambling about the timeline, attempts to explain temporal paradoxes to the casual listener, and a little bit of grumping at the government for not letting people look at the Porter. Dooku has to get him back on track multiple times but, all in all, it’s a good interview. The most important thing is that the Doctor surmises that some of the problems, such as the historical mirage attack, might be caused by a temporal malfunction in the Porter. After all, the Porter is an impressive machine but it’s just a MACHINE. It’s entirely possible the Porter can’t juggle all these timelines and accidentally slipped up somewhere.
The Count closes this month’s episode by encouraging any listeners who are concerned about political issues to speak out by contacting the imPort community’s elected representatives with any questions or complaints. To this end, he has helpfully shared the following public contact information:
Lord Petyr Baelish, imPort Ambassador for Maurtia Falls
Queen Lucy Pevensie, imPort Ambassador for De Chima
Miles Naismith Vorkosigan, imPort Ambassador for Nonah
United States Senator Mitchell Hundred of Virginia
The Homeland Security Advisory System has moved from OF THE HEART to INDIGO-GO because nothing shakes off the sleepies like an impromptu dance party.
WANT TO SUBMIT TO THE MAJORITY REPORT?
The Majority Report comes out the 10th and 20th of every month. You may find details and submit here. The cut-off time is 12:01 AM PST on the 9th and the 19th for the corresponding dates.