worstever: ((impending polka noises))
[personal profile] worstever
[The camera opens on one of those armor guys that are all totally indistinguishable from one another. Wash is standing as straight as humanly possible, but the slight cough and fidget he does still make him look awkward. He’s recording on some nondescript street corner.]

Hi. I’m Agent Washington, a former covert ops marine back home, currently a member of RISE. As recent events have made clear, we may no longer be able to rely on peace. With the amount of imports without formal or informal experience with combat, I felt I should offer my services as an veteran. [Far more interesting than this dry, clearly rehearsed speech is the hotdog-shaped car going by in the background.] Pay would be negotiable, free for kids. [What’s that? The wienermobile is having trouble with that last turn? Something in the road, maybe? What’s that? The wienermobile is spinning out of control?] I have years of experience with hand-to-hand, small arms --

[WHAT’S THAT THE WIENERMOBILE HAS JUST COLLIDED WITH AGENT WASHINGTON AND HIS ATTEMPT TO DODGE WAS FUTILE? What are the chances?

The camera goes flying, cutting out right in the middle of an incredulous cry of “oh, you’ve GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING --”]


Oh fuck. [The camera gets picked up by someone else and focuses first on Wash laying on the ground, then the weinermobile smoking and finally stalled out a few feet away.] Ssssssssssssso basically, short version, wanna learn self defense, talk to Wash, he’ll figure out payment later.

[He looks over at where the weinermobile first lost control at the banana in the road. Then at Wash.] Walk it off, dude! You’ll be fine! Not like getting pounded by a footlong’s gonna kill you!

[Wash, on the ground, rasps:] No, but I’m going to kill you the second I’m up.
nagachika: (ヾ( ✪ワ✪)ヾ)
[personal profile] nagachika
[The video's going to start with the camera passing over the headlines of several newspaper clippings, the date pretty unclear to how the camera's moving, but the headlines come out pretty clear. 'Russian Kidnapping plots', 'Invaders within the City', 'COMRADE RED', etc.

It looks as if he's showing off a section of wall set up like someone's tracking something--and honestly, it's not far from the truth. After a second of silence, the Camera whips around to show the image of a bright blonde many of you might recognise. Despite the sour headlines, he's grinning madly.]


...Seriously? Brainwashing? Soviets invading?

I've been gone for what, a month, and I come back to this place recovering from Crisis mode?

I knew shit was getting bad when all those propoganda videos and clips hit the air months ago, but now this, all at once?
How long do we got until everything really goes to hell in a handbasket.


Also hey, what's up. Been gone for a while, huh. Sorry about that, guess something just wanted to drag me home for a while or something. My roomate's gone, and so're his pets. If any of you guys know where Maine--or Tank--has gone, give me a ring, yeah?

Hideyoshi, Out.
[personal profile] mmnpcs
[A fan of the 5 o'clock news? Tuning into your favourite drama or sitcom? That's too bad, because the Soviets have something in mind. Abruptly, every single channel will go blank, only to be replaced with a single news channel. Some may recognize Tara Lynn Shaw, the All-American sweetheart from Channel 6 News with tastefully dyed red hair, dimples, and a big old smile. Her usual job is to reassure the American people that everything will be all right, from stories about rescued puppies to stories about heroic nurses going above and beyond the call of duty.

Her trademark dimples aren't on display today; her mood is distinctly somber, and the American flags in the background of her news station have been taken down, the backdrop replaced with a solid red. She stares into the camera, then looks down at the place cards in front of her.]


Good evening, citizens of America. This is the Soviet Union speaking. You have been left to run rampant for far too long, and we have seen great irresponsibility and suffering as a direct result of your actions. It is for these reasons that we have chosen to intervene.

We have established control over Nonah, Heropa, De Chima, and Maurtia Falls. You may not enter, nor may you leave, but you needn't worry. This is but the first step towards a more peaceful world. Provided you maintain the peace, no harm will come to you; you are instructed to simply continue going about your daily lives. You may find this change startling, but we assure you, you will feel used to it soon enough. If you do not maintain the peace, however, measures will be taken, measures that your previous government wholly failed to take.

ImPorts, you are to attend a 5-day Seminar at Cape Canaveral's Royal Mansions Resort beginning tomorrow at 10 AM sharp. This is not negotiable. You will not be harmed, but appropriate measures will be taken should you choose to be tardy or absent. The Porters will be available to you all, Registered or not; there are absolutely no excuses for your absence.

You will be weapons of the United States of America no longer.

[With that, the broadcast comes to a halt. No American news stations will be playing, but all non-topical entertainment will continue playing as normal.]

[OOC: While this post takes place on national television, please feel free to use this post to have your characters discuss this exciting new development!]

text 002;

Feb. 12th, 2016 10:55 pm
moneyballer: by <lj user="dorkwithamask"> (85)
[personal profile] moneyballer
[Asher's life has gone through a considerable amount of change since he's got here. One would think that being exposed to a variety of different people from all walks of life would lead him to live life with a more open mind. It's happening, somewhat, although at a very steady pace. Navigating life as a somewhat decent person is proving to be more tricky than it should be, but then again, the considerable amount of white privilege and ignorance he's been raised with will take an entire lifetime to wash out completely.

Nevertheless, he's found himself doubting a few things lately.
]

question

[As stupid as it seems, he's actually considering not sending this shitty, unnecessary text to the entire network. Whiskey, however, is a terrible thing to imbibe when it comes to making life decisions.]

how do u kno if u r gay

i'm askin 4 a friend

p.s. dis is nut a joke


[God bless autocorrect, am I right?]

✁ 002

Feb. 10th, 2016 06:56 pm
bestsword: me (through good times and the homicides)
[personal profile] bestsword
Hey there, imPorts, I’m Captain Tucker. [he’s standing alone in front of the camera, though. the reason becomes apparent when a sallow palm waves in front of it, indicating whoever’s filming.] And I’m… I guess still private? Whatever. It’s just Church.

And we’re here to help you get the most out of your valentine’s this year.

[there’s a displeased grunt; sounds like somebody resents being involved.] Well. He is. I’m here to make sure that his advice doesn’t totally ruin your lives.

Wow, thanks for the endorsement, asshole. [Tucker snorts but does not look fazed in the least.] Everyone knows Valentine’s was created to help singles get laid, so that’s what we’re going to help you do.

Oh, my god. No, it absolutely wasn’t. Doesn’t it usually just make them feel like shit? I thought everybody spent Singles’ Awareness Day in the company of booze and Netflix. [They, Church?? Who do you mean by THEY.]

Sure they do, if they don’t have any of my guaranteed patented pick up lines. [Someone stop him.] Now, when you give one of these lines, it’s all about the delivery. The confidence. Say it knowing you’ll get laid. Jesus christ.

So, here are some lines you can use, free of charge, courtesy me. Jesus christ. [He clears his throat, stands up taller.] Hey, baby, if I flip a coin, what are the chances of me getting head? Even less than your chances of getting tail. Oh - or: I hear you're looking for a stud, I've got the std, all I need is u. Wh-- How the hell is that a selling point? You might as well just introduce yourself as Jerkoff McCrotchrot.

Better yet! I'm an astro-gynecologist and my next mission is to explore Uranus. [Church’s voice is getting steadily louder and more indignant.] Oh, come on! That’s not even what a gynecologist does! Oh man or: Do you work at Subway? Because you gave me a footlong. That is not how b-- Ugh.

Seriously. Have any of these ever actually worked for you? Any of them. Please. I need to know.


They got me Wash didn’t they? I’d say that guarantees they work.

Pffft, yeah right. You couldn’t-- Sorry, wait, what? Who!? [The feed snaps off suddenly, but not before the microphone catches a second of wordless shrieking.]
followorders: (The Devil's Spawn)
[personal profile] followorders
[After searching for him for a week he's finally come to terms with it. He doubts anyone who knows Felix for who he truly is would care but there are those who still believe in the lies he fed them. Either way, Locus knows what he needs to do. However much he'd prefer to remain silent on the matter he turns on the device.]

Felix is gone.

[The recording captures the filtered voice spreading it through the network.]


The deal is off.

[/static]

Text

Jan. 11th, 2016 11:44 am
hatefuldays: (People are awesome)
[personal profile] hatefuldays
Hello, everyone! I'm sure you see lots of posts like this, but I'm new and just wanted to introduce myself. My name is *Hyun-ae - the star is silent, it just signifies that I'm an AI.

So, a little bit about myself: I was born on the colony ship Mugunghwa. This is my first time on a planet's surface - I've heard so much about Earth, and I'm really excited to finally be here! Everything is so huge and open, I can hardly believe it. I was exploring and almost got lost in the forest near the residential block I was assigned to. It was only 4 degrees... Earth is really cold +_+

I'm still getting used to life on a planet and having a real body, so I'm apologizing in advance if I say or do anything weird or stupid, this is just all really new to me. For now I'm just taking a few days to sort of get acclimated, but I can't wait to make some new friends here on Earth!

Now that I'm on Earth, life's opportunities really feel unlimited~
*Hyun-ae

video

Jan. 9th, 2016 06:26 pm
ursawhiner: and I want her gone. (Condition: Creepy as hell)
[personal profile] ursawhiner
[The camera, when it turns on, is bouncy-- like, found footage horror movie bouncy. Like it’s attached to a seal or being fought over by a pair of semi-feral children. Which it is! The lovely views of Heropa trees then sidewalk then someone’s leg eventually settle on the dirtier than normal face of Dipper Pines.]

Mabel, there are more important things than finding out what happened on Meow My God last week! [There’s an indignant cry of LIES! just off camera.] Hey, what happened in Heropa while we were gone? Apparently, there was a giant jungle? We were out in the swamp and I got poison ivy and poison oak and poison sumac… basically every plant you shouldn't roll in, we did it. But I won the trap contest and the swamp apes like me better so that's why I get the communicator first!!

[The camera veers wildly again and when it steadies it's focused on Mabel's cheerful, though grimier than usual face.]

The swamp apes just liked you better because you both smelled the same! And anyway I wrestled way more alligators than you and made way better shelters so just let me have it ‘cause I have a party to plan and I need to get invites out as soon as possible!

[The camera starts getting bounced around again as they fight, again. The dulcet tones of a childish slapfight can be heard just before Dipper screeches.]

Not the loincloth!!

[End broadcast.]
fastballspeciaaaaal: (DINOSAURS)
[personal profile] fastballspeciaaaaal
Hi everyone, it’s Ripley! I don’t have a lot to say, just---

Joyous Kwanzaa!

Everyone’s invited to the Kwanzaa celebration we’re--that's me and Space Lady and Walla-- having at Heropa 3 a little later today! It’s actually a celebration for the second day of Kwanzaa, since y’know it’s actually a lot more than just one day but I think probably it’d be super chaotic to try to do something with a bunch of people every single day so… yeah. [Oops, that sentence got away from her.]

Oh, and you don’t have to be a black folk to come, it’s open to everyone! Come share in some awesome African culture and have some awesome food.

Byyyye!

005; video

Dec. 25th, 2015 11:19 pm
bestever: tinymintywolf@tumblr (STARTLE;)
[personal profile] bestever
[epsilon is, for the first time ever, too lazy to go through the rigamarole of trying to convey his annoyance through voice and hologram. he made carolina dump him back in the android so that he could enjoy the spread if he had to sit through dinner, but it seems like the novelty has worn off (read: the tank is full) and he's retreated to a corner to whine at the network. he is also wearing one of his hanukkah gifts.] Alright, listen. I know y'all've got better things to worry about, but I need to put my foot down. [he stringently ignores a distant kerfuffle behind him; though there's an orange and black blur that JINGLES its way past him, the deepening in his frown is probably just subconscious. or maybe in response to the sudden screeching coming from the kitchen. that tinkly little blur DID almost seem to have a drumstick shape near the front, didn't it? might explain the clamor coming from the other room.]

Christmas is officially over as of... [he glances offscreen briefly, checking the timestamp in the corner of his field of vision. this doesn't mean much, since... he can never remember which date is actually the important one and which is 'eve' or whatever.] Whatever. Whenever. Soon. The point is, the time for holiday cheer has officially come to an end. That means no more decorations, no more forced friendliness, and most importantly!

No more carols. If I have to listen to one more bubblegum trash ballad about giving hearts away or wanting somebody as a present, I'm gonna die. Just spontaneously expire. Seriously, how anybody makes it through two solid fucking months of the same chirpy songs is completely beyond my compre--

[the helmet that flies in from the other room is... pretty recognizable. also? pretty heavy. and pretty accurately dead center in the back of his skull. church responds to this quite eloquently, by tipping over and bringing the frame with him, cursing loudly for a moment before he shuts the feed off. replies will probably be after things at H003 have calmed down slightly. um. relatively, rather.]
maskormods: (⒈)
[personal profile] maskormods
THE MAJORITY REPORT: DECEMBER 22ND, 2015

DRUNK RECENT HISTORY
As seen initially on BlueTube, where the footage was leaked, before all major news networks picked it up:
Cell phone video footage allegedly depicting a barroom brawl between imPorts went viral after it was uploaded to BlueTube last weekend. The video, recorded at The Cantina in Heropa on the night of December 12, begins with a shot of broken glass and a man's voice shouting, "It just exploded! It just [EXPLETIVE] exploded, dude!" The video goes on to depict bottles shattering on shelves behind the bar and general chaos as patrons begin to flee the building. The video fails to capture the faces of the imPorts in question. Witness statements point to the use of some kind of telekinetic power. In addition to glasses and bottles, there was significant damage to the bar's furniture and interior. Police claim no injuries were reported but the suspects are being sought for destruction of property.

HO HO HONESTLY THEY NEED A DRINK LET THEM LIVE
As seen on Lulzfeed and heavily featured within popular Rumblr posts:
A picture depicting two thin, unshaven Santas enjoying beer has gone viral online since earlier this week. Many have manipped the picture to include jokes about SANTA PLEASE DON'T GET DRUNK THIS CHRISTMAS and WHAT MRS. CLAUS DON'T KNOW WON'T HURT HER with a few jabs thrown at various charities most commonly associated with ringing bells at Christmas. A second picture, depicting one of the Santas vomiting in an alley while the other Santa pats his back, has gained the same amount of attention. No one has yet been able to determine who these drunken imposters are, though some claim they must be imPorts. There is a subset of people who are devoted to discovering their identities, as thin Santas are apparently a Christmas wish for them!!

(NOTE: Anyone familiar with Will Graham or Edgar may, after a little squinting, catch onto the charitable culprits.)

DOG'S BEST FRIEND
As seen on BlueTube:
ImPort, zombie survivor AND teenage heartthrob Carl Grimes has made his first post on BlueTube, imploring everyone to consider the responsibilities of adopting a furry friend before taking them home for Christmas, as many of these "gifts" are soon return to shelters not long after adoption.

His fangirls, popularly known as Grimey Gals, furiously support his cause.

CALL IT VISIONARY
As seen on the internet as well as all imPort city newspapers and any television talk covering the matter:
AS PROPHESIED BY THE CLAIRVOYANT --

Now that you've seen the truth of my words, the fires that came to pass, there should be little doubt of the legitimacy of my claims. Unfortunately, once more, I do not come to you bearing good news. An ominous nightmare has been plaguing me for the past several nights.

I've foreseen darkness, so thick and cloying, it swallows everything in its path. Within this darkness, hide and seek becomes dangerous, but getting caught in a game of tag is deadly.

Take great care of yourself during the holiday season, fellow imPorts. For this is the calm before the inevitable storm.

(NOTE: If any players want their specifics foreshadowed by the Clairvoyant, remember to hit up the permissions post!)

DEFINITELY NOT TRUE, DON'T LISTEN
As seen in the 24-hour national news cycle:
Rumors of Lachesis reincarnated as a Russian continue to circulate. An anonymous source in Cyprus claims that he has seen Lachesis himself, and she is much younger than he would think a Fate to be. Another source in Norway contradicts reports of sightings, claiming that Lachesis is not a reincarnated human being, but instead she is a human-looking robot.

GIFT THAT KEEPS REGIFTING
As seen on BlueTube:
Popular video channelists (ages 15 to 35) have made their mark on this season by sending exotic (and sometimes ludicrous) gifts to imPorts. While not all unwanted gifts have been accounted for, a tallied list has been circling Bwitter of people "Port Claiming" imPorts by giving them some "holiday cheer". The up-to-date list is as follows:

XXXSANTOXXX gifted GEORGE O'MALLEY with a George O'Malley ceramic doll.
BAEWATCH gifted KANAYA MARYAM with a set of porcelain forks.
2HOTHOTDAMN gifted BILLY KAPLAN with 2000 black rubber duckies.
ASTRANGEMIND gifted NEWT a year's supply of potato chips.
ILIKEBIGMUTTS gifted KASUMI GOTO with a 2 oz. BRITISH ACCENT BREATH SPRAY
PETE_REPEAT gifted MITCHELL HUNDRED some gum.
THE_REAL_PETE_REPEATREPEAT gifted KAMALA KHAN a red sequined cape.
INERTIA3502 gifted WALLY WEST some nice jarring food.
BUMPINTHENIGHT gifted HARRISON WELLS a collected of antique medical tools dating from 1909.
MILKSHAKE1995 gifted RICK GRIMES a book on good parenting.
INOALLURSECRETS gifted KEN KANEKI a box of pink, brain-shaped candies.
HAWTBOO91 gifted BARNABY BROOKS JR. a plush doll of Kotetsu.
4DALULZ gifted AGENT WASHINGTON 10,000 Washington apples.
SARTEWASRIGHT gifted BLUE SARGENT a blue velvet top hat.
CHEEZWIZ gifted LUKE CASTELLAN a Nico di Angelo action figure.
BORNDISWHEY gifted GLITCH a table shaped like a rocket ship.
BOOKIT gifted ATHOS with five pairs of cashmere socks.
PRETTYINPINK gifted JOEL MILLER with five pairs of golden color contacts (no prescription).
MARRYMEALITTLE gifted RIZA HAWKEYE a pair of taxidermied ospreys.

WRONG MALE, MAN
Children who have the misfortune of spelling "Santa" as "Satan" will probably have their letters delivered to Lucifer. Stay in school, kids.

CODE SWITCH
The Homeland Security Advisory System has moved from VIOLENT VIOLET to PLUM because in the wake of the recent imPort-related domestic horrors and the chaotic holiday spirit, a couple national newscasters plumb forgot to send their reports through the government censors, thus fostering mass delays. Those newscasters have been sent to reeducation camps.

WANT TO SUBMIT TO THE MAJORITY REPORT?
The Majority Report comes out the 10th and 20th of every month. You may find details and submit here. The cut-off time is 12:01 AM PST on the 9th and the 19th for the corresponding dates.
anxiogenic: (Catty)
[personal profile] anxiogenic
My parole officer is blue in the face. I believe he's struggling to restrain his enthusiasm for our conversations, poor creature.

[Crane's voice is softer than before. If you've listened to his older posts, sent by his Scarecrow identity, the venom has been drawn out of it. His inflection of words is shorter. He controls himself better; sharper articulation, less energy, more subtle distinctions. Different pauses, too.]

I wonder, on a more gentle note, how you spend your free time.

What compositions spark your imagination? What beautiful works of art grasp your concentration? Cite your favorite passages of prose, poetry and drama, if you would; great books of literature that knock you out when you're all done reading.

[He sniffs and curls his lip.]

Still, most of you enjoy works that necessitate you should have been imprisoned instead of I, speaking honestly.

[If you cite Bieber or E.L. James, you're disqualified from having any opinion, ever. BYE.]

4 | Video

Dec. 4th, 2015 03:04 pm
fastballspeciaaaaal: (It's not the Kitten Holy?)
[personal profile] fastballspeciaaaaal
[This post goes up Friday morning, 9am approximately. Ripley’s sitting cross-legged in a chair, with a backpack over her shoulders and an exaggerated pout on her face. A PA system goes off in the background, a phone rings, y’know, all the stuff you expect of the front office of a school. Her voice is low when she speaks, she doesn’t want the administration to hear her post.]

Uh……… could someone come pretend to be my mom or dad at my school? Jackson followed me to class today and they didn’t like that and now I’m a little bit in trouble for [Yeah, she’s totally gonna mock the principal here:] “bringing a dangerous animal into the classroom environment” and they wanna talk to my parents but they’re not here…

And I think they’re upset about other stuff too? …like my attendance record probably, ‘cause that’s not so great, and how I never have my homework done…

But that’s not my fault! Seventh grade is hard, I need help with my homework and I don’t, have anyone at home to help me!

[Shoot, she’s getting off track.] Um. Anyways, help please!

[And she’s gone.]
moneylogues: (UH HUH HONEY)
[personal profile] moneylogues
[The video feed starts of with Felix holding the camera. He's wearing his armor and helmet, so you can't see his face, but he somehow manages to look bored anyway. It's also not his house. Oh no, this is someone else's place.]

Okay, you know what I'm getting sick and tired off? Giving people advice about their lives. People here have such boring problems and most of them don't really matter. So. I'm going to give you guys some advice that's actually useful.

So today, I'm doing a special edition of Dear Felix. You're all getting some special advice, from the bottom of my heart.


[And then he reaches off camera and- okay that's knives. That's a bunch of throwing knives. Okay. Felix just holds them up to the camera.]

I'm going to show you how to throw these babies, because people just don't appreciate them anymore. Don't get me wrong, guns? Guns are great! But they're so fucking dull sometimes! Plus, hey, it's never a bad thing to be versatile. Alright! [He stands up, pointing the camera at the wall. He has every intention of throwing the knife straight at it.] Now let me just-

[An armoured glove appears from behind gripping Felix’s wrist, stopping him mid-throw.]

Felix.

[A filtered voice echoes through the room as Locus comes into view making their already distinctive height difference more pronounced. At 6’4 he’s more than a foot taller than his partner and broader too. A distinction Locus uses to his advantage when he grabs Felix by the back of the collar and calmly lifts him up off the floor by nearly a foot.]

I warned you.

[Infamous last words with Locus having every intention of throwing the bad kitty out of his house.

And then there's Felix, handling it with all the grace of a- Well, with all the grace of Felix.]


Damn it, Locus, I'm trying to do a thing- You are such an asshole, I swear to god, FUCK-

[And that's when the video cuts off. Enjoy the sight of a grown man being lifted like an angry cat, network.]

video

Nov. 26th, 2015 12:56 pm
fuckai: (.05)
[personal profile] fuckai
[Oh hey, look. Its another one of those armored guys. Sorry, Mask or Menace.]

Hey. This is Private Leonard Church. You may know me from things such as The Real Meaning of Dibs and The Reason Why Shades of Red on an Emergency Alert System are Fuckin' Stupid.

I'm here today to tell you a thing or two about the good, ol' American holiday you're all celebrating. I know, I know. Why the education after the fact? After all the shit's bought and pies are cooling and giant birds are taking up space in the fridge?

[Pause for effect, aaaaaaaand...]

Because I guarantee not a single one of you assholes know what this day's really about. Sure, there's the crap about settlers and Indians and giant corn being sent to the King-- [N...o... literally none of that is right] --but you know what no one talks about? The truth behind everything. The fact that for one night a year just about every American has come together to lay a slaughtered bird out on the table.

And before you animal right's activists pull your picket signs out of your asses, let me lay out some facts for you:

[He raises a hand, ticking everything out on his fingers] First- Turkeys. Just look at 'em. [A picture appears in the upper corner of the screen.] Ugly assholes, right? Beaks made to peel flesh, skin that's like five different shades, and what the fuck are those ridges? That extra piece of skin just hanging from its face? These things were just made to be pieces of shit.

Second- these things are honest to god douches [A video starts playing in the corner now, replacing the monstrous close-up from before] Pilgrims vs Indians? Yeah, that's just what the government wants you to think happened. Why the hell do you think everyone came together over a burning carcass, huh? These assholes probably kicked the shit out of some kids and-- hey, powdered wigs? They weren't always white. You do not want to see what comes out the other end of those things.

Third- turkeys are those assholes who do half the work and get all the credit. [Church what does that even mean] That feather trick? The one kids color with their hands? The ones on all the fuckin' merchandise? Peacocks got that first, but you don't see them in stores everywhere as soon as November comes rolling around.

[.... even if.... peacocks are dicks, too....]

Anyway, the bottom line is fuck giving thanks! Kill a turkey!

Douchebags deserve it.

video

Nov. 16th, 2015 04:55 pm
heavyhitter: loud and brash, only eighteen (she is the dancing queen)
[personal profile] heavyhitter
[ Ramir shows up in an obviously planned shot, dead center in a dark room, chin propped up on her hand as she leans on a table. ]

Man, November sucks. Last month we had Halloween, next month we got Christmas, what do we have this month? Just, like… turkeys. The American turkey holiday. Great, I know I can’t fucking wait.

But hang on, don’t despair, I’m here with good news! Coming soon to a Heropa downtown near you: Krakatoa!

[ Cue: lights! They snap on pretty much all at once, and the scene transforms. Suddenly it’s all oranges and reds, tropical and bright and flashy, and clearly the inside of a (currently empty) club. She gestures grandly around her, grinning. ]

What the hell is Krakatoa, you ask? Besides that big volcano that killed a bunch of people like a million years ago? Just the hottest imPort-owned and operated clubstaurant this dimension has ever seen! Show up during the day for some really fucking tasty food — I borrowed the Iceberg’s very best chef, where he wasn’t getting anywhere near the appreciation he should be, and his meals are practically as killer as the eruption was. But then! Hang around into the evening to see the whole thing transform into a dance floor! Still hungry? Don’t worry! I got him chained up in the kitchen to keep churning out the food, there’s insanely tasty appetizers popping out all night.

Also, even better news, I’m still hiring! Looking for snappy dressers who don’t suck — cooks, servers, bar tenders, dancers, whatever. Just get your good-looking butt down here before we open next Friday!

[ There’s a PDF flyer attached with the address and hours, in the same stylish red/orange tropical theme. ]

Oh, yeah, and— imPorts get half off on everything on opening night, then 20% off for the rest of our collective lives, so basically no one here has any excuse not to stop by.

[ private, individually to Jo, Dave, Maine, and Jonathan (Joestar): ]

I mentioned this was happening next week, right? [ didn’t. she definitely didn’t. (but hey at least Jojo is probably mostly on the same page, one out of four isn’t bad) ] Hope your Friday schedule is clear!

PSA; video

Oct. 25th, 2015 09:58 pm
snackcakes: (Default)
[personal profile] snackcakes

[a video starts of two dumbasses in colorful space armor standing around in downtown de chima]

Hey, everybody. This is Captain Dexter Grif of the popular webseries Red vs. Blue.

And this is Captain Dick Simmons, from the same show, and your local family counselor.

It's almost Halloween, and we here at Red Base want to remind all of you to be safe out there around one of today's most deadly substances.

Candy: the silent killer.

Every year, hundreds of children across the U.S. die in horrible candy related accidents.

Why, when I was a child, I remember my neighbor, little Jimmy Saunders. There he was, with a Bling-Sucker, riding his skateboard. Then, well... I can't even talk about it over the network like this. Poor Jimmy. It's just...too horrible.

If you're a parent, you might be asking yourself what you can do to make sure your kid doesn't end up horrifically maimed or dead or whatever like Jimmy. Well, that's easy.

[pan out to a beautiful cardboard box with a handy opening cut into the side. note the helpful labelling of "candy here" with an arrow pointing up drawn onto the side]

We've gone ahead to do you the favor of collecting the world's resident candy expert and certified candy tester to ensure that the candy you are preparing to give to your children is safe, tasty, and not full of harmful substances, like space-germs or horse meat. So, as this holiday comes around, pre-emptively, empty your bags full of that.. suspicious sugar-monstrosity collection into our convenient treat receptacles, and in 3-5 business days, we'll guarantee a return of the safe and healthy candy you and your children deserve.

Our current locations can be found around De Chima, but we hope to expand to all major cities soon. Be sure to contact us about what you can do to help us expand so that your kids can still have the same trick-or-treat experience they've grown up with, just without the constant worry that that weird old lady down the road laced their chocolate in rat poison or worse.

We appreciate your outreach in making this holiday safe for everyone! Have a good night!

[...there's a brief pause while Simmons goes to cut off the video feed

muffled:]

You so owe me for this, Grif. So much.


[OOC Note: orange is Grif, maroon is Simmons. sorry not sorry.]

voice;

Oct. 24th, 2015 06:14 pm
ursawhiner: (Wiggy wow. Wiggy wiggy wowie wow.)
[personal profile] ursawhiner
[Earlier this evening, people in Heropa might have noticed some fireworks in all colors of the rainbow going off above house #11. Fun! If kind of seasonally inappropriate! Those police sirens that followed were probably totally unrelated.

But now, there’s just a young voice posting this message to the network. In the background you can just make out other people talking about normal things, like paperwork and donuts and suspected robberies.
]

Hey. We only get one call so if Grunkle Stan Pines or Agent Washington could come to the Heropa sheriff's office that would be great. Thanks.

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