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THE MAJORITY REPORT: NOVEMBER 20TH, 2015

MERMADE FOR A SPINOFF
Since the groundbreaking NBSea "documentary" that illuminated how some imPorts are clearly merport spies, the younger, more hipster locals of Heropa have dedicated their weekends to making homage art by creating (and often starring in) live "mermaid" installations. The most popular is a performance piece called "Dipper in the Deep End".

LAUGHING ALL THE WAY TO THE BANKSY
As seen around Nonah:
Eleven painted portraits of Ambassador Urquhart have been witnessed around the city of Nonah with this quotation spray-painted across the subject's face. But is it... Art?

BUR LAPDOG
As seen on the gossip tabloid-turned-show TMI:
There's something in the air — and it's love! Rumor has it that Dr. Jonathan Crane has been seeing a special someone during his time behind bars. Speculation is raging as to the identity of the doctor's mysterious paramour, who our source would refer to only as "Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman"; however, what's certain is that the two had been engaging in frequent late night conversations and after hours "office visits" for some time before his incarceration. According to our anonymous source, she "likes dangerous men," a comment which our source punctuated with an exaggerated eyebrow waggle and, we quote, "wink wink." The source then provided this "artist's interpretation" of what a relationship between the two might look like.

How far back does this romance go? Will she stand by her man on the outside? Will the love of a good woman be enough to keep him from ending up behind bars again? And the burning question on everyone's minds: can a little Scarecrow be far behind?

HAVE A THREESOME
As seen in all imPort city newspapers, advertisement section:
MUSKETEERS INCORPORATED - Private Investigation and Security Services

Are you concerned for your safety? Have you been a victim of crime, and feel there is nowhere you can turn?

Musketeers Incorporated can help. We will provide loyal, personal security to keep you, your family, or your business safe. We pledge to provide you with high quality, reliable and truthful investigative results, where your confidentiality is guaranteed. When you are in need of assistance, our doors will be open. We will provide aid for import and native alike. To serve is our duty, and to defend you, our pleasure.

To avail of our services, or to inquire around working with us, please contact Athos, Porthos and d'Artagnan, c/o Musketeers Incorporated, De Chima.

BOOTYFUL
As seen alongside commercials during daytime network programming:
Meet your new trainer Norman! He's a powerhouse of hunk ready to booty blast your assets into fine, focused fitness! With legendary measures of experience and legendary measurements PERIOD, you can find him at any Booty Burn Boot Camp franchise located within porter distance of the imPort cities! Don't wait! Don't delay! Get off that couch and into Norman's capable hands RIGHT NOW!

SUGAR AND PUMPKIN SPICE
As reported by the TuffLuffington Post and conversed about on Bwitter:
The illustrious and astoundingly sweet Princess Bubblegum found the BITTERLY MISSED stolen Pumpkin Spice within a mysterious basement, perhaps by using her remarkable powers of deduction. The culprit was none other than... (dun dun dun) KLARION! Disdainful of his caper being discovered, the self-proclaimed witch boy had turned the many jars of looted pumpkin spice into a bunch of rats, spiders and lizards and sent them running throughout the neighborhood in order to get rid of tasty evidence. But of course, once the spell had worn off, the critters turned back into a pumpkin (spice). A lot of Pumpkin Spice. These missing spice jars have appeared all over Heropa in completely random places -- places YOU might visit! Alleyways, parks, the middle of the sidewalk, up trees, and -- in some unfortunate cases -- inside pipes! Thanks, Klarion. Citizens, remember this when it's time to write up your naughty list!

TO-FUR-KEY
As promoted on the website BlueTube:
After an imPort broke 5,000,000 BlueTube views the viral video is causing lots of heated debate amidst animal rights organizations, diehard carnivores, and lovers of cat BlueTube sensations.

OH LOOK, SOME RUSSIAN PROPAGANDA PROBABLY
As seen on national news outlets and national public radio:
According to Moscow-based Soviet scientists, the former interdimensional godlike force known as Lachesis has been reincarnated into the subconscious of a native child -- a native child who conveniently happens to be at an undisclosed location in Russia. US intelligence operatives doubt the veracity of this claim, calling it nothing but a ploy to stir imPort aggression and civilian panic. Lachesis has been silent since the second era of imPorts began in 2013.

CHAIN GANG ACTIVITY?
As seen on the local De Chima news station DCNUWS:
A section of chain link fence has gone missing at a local De Chima middle school. Authorities are confused as to why such a thing would be removed and baffled as to how.

Stay tuned.

CODE SWITCH
The Homeland Security Advisory System has moved from EVERGREEN to SNOWFLAKE in response to everyone being so special. Yes, even you!

WANT TO SUBMIT TO THE MAJORITY REPORT?
The Majority Report comes out the 10th and 20th of every month. You may find details and submit here. The cut-off time is 12:01 AM PST on the 9th and the 19th for the corresponding dates.
promotional: (not bad not bad)
[personal profile] promotional
[It's been a while since Rhys addressed the network at large, but he's lost a couple—friends? That robot, that other maybe-robot. That disconcerting emotion known as loneliness is starting to seep in around the edges. And sure, no problem, he could reach out to certain folks and know they'd show up. The Pines twins are startlingly reliable if you don't mind being the creepy older man hanging out with children, and there's always Harley if he can catch her ear. But right now he's attempting to branch out. Network, as it were. And he's not thinking about the friend that betrayed him back in his home universe or the many ways this could go wrong.

He is thinking positively and putting on his best, most polished smile.]


So, I've been doing a little internet searching and I've found a couple day spas that do the full deal—facials, manis, pedis—and you're thinking, Rhys. Rhys, dude. C'mon. You really want to spend your whole day getting pampered and waited on hand and foot? Not very, uh. 'Manly' of you.

[A sympathetic expression. All well-maintained and pushed in eyebrows. All a slim set to his lips.]

And I'd say, 'yes, sir or ma'am. That sounds great.' But most of these places have group deals, so I'm looking for someone or someones who feel the same. You can respond here, email me, text—whatever's easy. Thanks.
glitterateur: What's up! Squirtle Squirtle! (I backstabbed him with my hand!)
[personal profile] glitterateur
[The video feed turns on to show the inside of a regular ol’ glitterbombed government house. For a couple of seconds the only things visible are two old men doing a very bad job of pretending to ignore each other in the background. The two old men-- get this!-- look super similar. Almost as if they could be… twins? Whoa.

But then the view switches to the familiar happy face of Mabel Pines. Mostly familiar. There’s a lot of weird colorful liquid splashed all over her face. It’s probably rainbow paint! Please be rainbow paint. Then Dipper pops into view looking as nerdy as ever. Possibly sweatier.
]

Hey everybody really nice to be back we missed you! --we would’ve missed you if we remembered we were gone! Okay but really important question how much school did we miss?!

Did we miss Summerween in October?!

[That seems to rouse the grumpy old men from their silent babyfight, and the one not wearing the turtleneck yells his Stan yell.]

For the last time Dipper, it’s Halloween. Halloween. The one that’s actually on the calendar. You haven’t been in Gravity Falls long enough for it to make you that weird yet.

It’s the same thing! Also does anybody know how to get unicorn blood out of acrylic wool blend?!

If it’s anything like human blood, don’t worry, we’ve already got it covered. Just get me a bucket. Two buckets. We’re dumping one on Dipper, and opening a window.

[This gets the attention of the other old man, who, for some reason, looks mildly alarmed at the suggestion.]

No! No. We should save that. It might be valuable.

You know what’d be valuable? Shutting your yap so I can get this done before it dries. Besides, you can still keep your creepy blood water, it’ll just be diluted.

And compromise the integrity of the sample? That defeats the entire purpose, Stanley!

[And with that Mabel makes a cutting motion across her throat and Dipper turns the feed off.]

[It's a Pines bomb! All four Pines (Stan, Ford, Dipper, and Mabel) will be commenting around. We are so sorry.]
promotional: (and yet)
[personal profile] promotional
I—had everything. Right at my fingertips—

[Rhys' hands are being held up roundabouts the center of his chest, palms to the heavens, fingers curled halfway in. He clutches at air, unable to hold onto what he really wants, because now it's at least light years away. Again. That chair. That view. All of it, lost. And he's back in this place he once saw as a source of solace, but it's more like a fucking hellhole that should be obliterated off the face of the universe.

He's a little upset. The fear is back. The pain in his head from when he knocked it at the Swear-In 'last month.' Who understands time, anyway?]


And it's gone. Whoosh. All of it. Every last drop of success—all of it.

[Never has a man been more distraught. He sucks in a deep breath, smoothes one hand over the back of his head, and gives his comm a deadly sullen look.]

I'm back.

[The weakest, least excited fingergun pointing at you, kid. Bang bang.

A heavy sigh.]


Yaaaaay.

[So. Very dry.]
oldstandard: (Teach Me How to Holi-Dougie)
[personal profile] oldstandard
[A familiar jaunty tune plays and a cartoon font scrolls across the screen, "UnderSTANding Stuff with Mr. Mystery! Episode 2: Writing a Check, For Real This Time," appearing underneath a picture of Mr. Mystery himself.

Stan stands in front of the camera looking uncharacteristically stern.]


So the check episode might be cursed. But after Rhys-ent events, there's an educational moment here that can't wait. I'd apologize to Floyd for the post nightmare that editing the airing schedule titles is going to be, but he did eat the last glazed donut, so he's dead to me.

[He points at the camera and frowns.] Dead to me Floyd! ...Moving on.

Today's episode is about Stranger Danger. [This image appears to the side of the screen.]

Don't let the dumb rhyme fool you, this is a very serious matter that you should take very seriously. You might think, hey, I'll get into this guy I don't know's car! It’ll be fun to just drive off into the who knows where without telling my grunk-- family, and worrying them half to death! What could go wrong? ...Lots of things. Lots of things can go wrong. Lots of terrible things that the network won't let me go into detail about because it could "scar our target audience for life." But it rhymes with 'bread in a witch.' But even less terrible things could happen! Like being abandoned out of state by your kidnapper, and having to hide behind a truck stop pie rack for four hours while desperately holding your pee. That's a memory that'll haunt you for the Rhys-t of your life, kids.

[There's an undignified WAIT, WHAT in the background.]

So remember, kids, don't trust strangers. Especially g-Rhys-y people. With greasy hair and shifty eyes. One of them's not even an eye, just some weird robot implant. [Stan coughs, deciding to end that tangent early.] ...In this hypothetical situation.

And for all the weirdos out there thinking about hanging out with children, just remember: Avoid A-Rhys-t, Don't be a Creep.

[The image of Rhys appears on screen once more, before the scene around it fades to black, leaving it as the only image on the screen before the episode ends.]
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It's—been interesting lately, hasn't it?

[For a while, everything had seemed picture perfect out here, in the year 20... something. Rhys has already forgotten, but for a time it was all parties and new job offers. He was kicking back, roasting merry as any chestnut over a controlled chimney fire. Within a few weeks, he was complacent, and then shit hit the fan. Splattered. Jack showed up—not the Jack he knows, but real Jack—and the last swear-in became a real work of art. Add in this new stuff that fortunately hasn't affected Rhys on a personal level, and he's starting to miss Pandora.

An eensy bit. Not like, for real-real. He just had such high hopes for his life here! Sad to see them crashing down.]


So, I was thinking of taking a short vacay. You know, just to—not be here?

[Where all this stuff is happening. The weird/unpleasant stuff. ]

And I was wondering if anyone knew a nice vacation spot. I'm thinking something lowkey, maybe owned by an elderly couple? Price range...

[Thoughtful lip purse and shrug of one shoulder, then the other, then they level out. ]

Above average? I'm on Google, but I'm always open to personal recommendations. Thanks.
crotchstallion: whatever you may need (we are the people that can find)
[personal profile] crotchstallion
[The feed comes on to a guy with a face on his face - no worries everyone, it is still his face. Just a better looking incarnation of it. Most people, rest assured, do not want to see the face underneath. Promise. Swear to god. He would cross himself if necessary to reiterate the sincerity of this point. Ain't nobody got time for that - that being the face underneath his mask.

He's got one of the welcome brochures in hand, fanning himself with it. Sure, he was hanging out in a vault filled with lava last place he was, but that doesn't make mid-summer humidity any less oppressive.]


That's a cute little barbecue going outside. Kudos government, nice little hands-on-hands-off way you got. I've only heard stories about Earth, but wow, it's cute! Like some kitschy tourist attraction, the whole thing. It's kind of funny to think about it - this is where it all began! - and to see it in person?

[Haha! Just really something special!]

Now, on a normal day I'd love to be out there shaking hands with all of my new neighbors -[!!! So exciting how fun!!]-, Doctor's orders: As little crazy partying as possible. Still have some wounds healing from the whole imPort-nanite-process-dealy. [He's all hand gestures and cute facial expressions.]

Just the average physical consequence when you're being a hero - saving the world and all that? Just comes naturally to ol' Handsome Jack here.

Oh, yeah, Handsome Jack by the way. I'm sure it'll be great to meet all your precious faces with your lovely personalities from all your different home worlds... We're gonna have a great time. Later taters!

[It seems like he's being this giant sarcastic asshole with some of the inflections in his voice, but his facial expressions and body language are all 100% genuine. He just sounds like that. He's got some problems, he's workin' through it. With a wave goodbye, he clicks off the feed.]
promotional: (way too full of himself)
[personal profile] promotional
Hard not to notice there's some politics going on, but I'm still new enough I don't have anything to say about it.

[In general, Rhys would stay away from anything that would involve surface level stirring the pot. He'll spin it counter-clockwise when it's safe to, behind the scenes, but upfront he'll act every bit the man who's happy to fall in line. There's an adventurous nature under all the hair gel. You wouldn't know it when he says something like that.]

What I want to talk about is more of a personal project. I'm trying to recreate--

[His robot son.]

--a bot I had back home. The structure can't be that hard to build, but the AI is going to take me a while to program and debug. I wanted to know if anyone out there has more experience with writing that kind of coding. Here's a sketch of the design.

[He'll post that.]

The original's-- huh. Eight feet tall? Around that. But I want to start with something small. Let's say a three foot model I can swap out the software of later. If anyone wants to be a sounding board, I'd really appreciate it. Used to have a few of those back home.

002. video

Jun. 17th, 2015 06:15 pm
tadeadshi: (118)
[personal profile] tadeadshi
[The video opens with a view from inside a car of some bad stand-still traffic, complete with angry horn honking and many car engines humming. And then there's the sound of someone groaning frustratedly a lot closer to the camera and the faint background noise of multiple DS game sound effects.

It's taken then a few extra days longer than he'd planned for them to get to California but that's okay! That's. Okay. They were prepared for this, for the long haul. Just not the 4 hour stand still traffic that came with it. Ugh.

Eventually the person holding the camera finally speaks. Anyone may recognize his voice from such classics as Hiro's Memory Theater or greatest hit single, the televised Shark Park Blind Date that he still doesn't know was televised. Or was a date.

He's been absent from the network for a good two weeks since the dream-comas started so he's a bit out of the loop for a lot of stuff. For anyone that knows him, though, the fact this is video is a pretty big deal. Tadashi forgets for a few seconds he's even recording video before he remembers and speaks up.]


Okay first, please tell me the cities are still in one piece. I'm pretty sure we missed a swear in and I hope everyone had a good time.

Second, if anyone has any good stories while we're stuck in traffic, that'd be awesome. We've listened to the same five playlists for three thousand miles.

[Or in the case of Shinjiro's car, a single cd repeated over and over.]
chromatose: (sorry for your face)
[personal profile] chromatose
[So... phone. That's this world's version of a GHS, huh? Seems to work more or less the same; at least that's a plus. The concept of mass communication is new, admittedly. The average person doesn't have access to that where Ludger's from.

Might as well try it, though. What can it hurt? It's not like he's going to get many answers working on his own. He learned that pretty quickly when life started shooting him in the foot the last couple of months back home. And really, this isn't that unusual of an experience for him- he visits strange worlds all the time. They're just usually more familiar, that's all. He just has to stick with the usual format- ask around, meet people, destroy the diverg- well, okay. Not that part, this time.

That's the part I'm good at. Dammit.]


Excuse me, sorry to interrupt whatever you're doing. I'd like to know if anyone out there has heard of, or is from, either Elympios or Rieze Maxia. Barring that, uh...

[Crap, he doesn't really have another plan here. There's about a hundred questions he could be asking right now, and none of them are really useful when addressing - essentially - a crowd.

How the hell do I get out of here?

Nah. Probably gets asked a lot already.

The usual?
]


What's your favourite place to eat around here?

[The usual.]

I'm a bit of a chef myself, so I'd really like to hear about the local food. Maybe we can trade recipes? I'd love to try something new. And hey, if anyone's looking for a cook... I mean, technically I was given a job already, but-

...I'm not exactly sure what a 'community youth advisor' does.

[Except. Advise youth in the community, probably.

He'll just be over here trying to memorize a new city and figuring out how technology works without spirits to power it. That'll be step one, with step two being "find some allies", since he's already finding himself to be a mess when he runs solo.]
promotional: (did you hear something)
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Heeeeeey, imPorts. Rhys here. I’m sure you haven’t heard of me, but no hard feelings. I’m starting to think notoriety may not be all it’s cracked up to be. People get weird when they like you too much, y’know?

[His eyes squint tight together, mouth pursing into a slim scrunched line.]

Freaky weird. Clone… weird.

[Tad bit shaken up from his recent run-in with such discomforting fanboyisms.]

Anyway, instead of sulking or asking you guys 'aaah, what's going ooon,' I've gone and figured it out. What I don't know is who's developing the hero tech 'round here, because what's a cape without a utility belt? Am I right or am I right?

[Meaningful pause. He's right.]

And if nobody's stepped up to bat, I'm your man. I figure I can start something up in a day or two, I'd just need a few good men, women, or whatever that want on board. Free bagels at the first training session and yes, before you go and ask—if you show up? You can check out the arm.

[A short flex of robo bicep. Come hither. ]

So let me know what you think and if you have a resume on hand, that’d be just peachy. Or point me in the direction of whatever's already out here. Thanks for having me, Heropa and other. I look forward to doing business with you.

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