( Brace yourselves, imports - possibly literally. Whatever volume the device was on somehow seems too loud with the energetic blast of an aggressively catchy opening credits tune and is soon accompanied by a Dramatic Voiceover. You know the type of voice - mysteriously gravelly and somehow sounding just too intense. )
HAVE YOU EVER WOKEN UP ( dramatic pause ) TO DISCOVER THE WORLD ( dramatic pause ) IS A DARKER PLACE THAN YOU EVER KNEW? AND JUST KNOWN ( dramatic pause ) THAT CHANGE WAS ON THE HORIZON?
( Ah, yes, a shot of a Manly Form against the skyline, silhouetted by the sunlight, and with a shotgun against his shoulder. )
CAN LOVE SURVIVE WHEN IT SEEMS LIKE THE WORLD IS AGAINST YOU? AND ( an even more dramatic pause ) .... CAN YOU SURVIVE WITHOUT LOVE?
( Fade to black, but only for a moment.
Behold, gentle viewers, the face of purest suffering. At the very least it is a look of intense suffering, because Rosita has taken several weeks of being intensely aggravated by producers and reminding herself that she needs the money to help Carl and Daryl and Andrea and Enid and keep them all safe to try, and allowed herself to be trained into looking slightly more cooperative. )
Hi. I’m ImPort Rosita Espinosa, and I’m here to bring romance back from the dead. ZomBae will be hitting your screens in just a few weeks, a fresh new show combining the trials of finding love with surviving the apocalypse.
( Okay, no. She still sounds like she hates this, and she still does, but it’s been turned into a marketing #aesthetic. Have you ever heard a tone more flat? Isn’t it great how aloof she is? )
( Yeah, sure. But wait! Who’s this handsome devil? There is a new person on screen, and that person would be one Gabriel Grey. He looks as if he is enjoying this about as much as Rosita is when he speaks. )
My name is Gabriel, [ he may be reading off some cue cards, focus intent an inch left of the camera, maintaining his own deadpan #aesthetic ], I'm 30, and I come from New York City. I would call myself resourceful and hardworking, which would work to my advantage in the wake of some kind of world-ending disaster like the zombie apocalypse and also [ he is definitely reading off cue cards ] love.
( Back to Rosita, and she is resting an axe against her shoulder as she talks, rubbing her forehead for a brief moment before she forces herself to go on. Flat as Hell: ) But we need your help to find Gabriel his perfect partner in survival, and in life.
( And now, a montage:
Gabriel and Rosita fight zombies. Gabriel and Rosita scan the terrain with binoculars. Gabriel and Rosita fortify a room and Prepare For Battle. Gabriel and Rosita ride some horses on a beach only for the camera to pan back and show some extras dressed as zombies shambling after them, and then!!! The final shot: Gabriel picks up a SINGLE PERFECT ROSE (sigh) from amidst the mud and carnage… and stares into the sunset. It’s very wistful. (It’s not very wistful at all.)
( All in all, it’s as terrible as it sounds. )
( Now, enough of that montage; back to the present, and their artistically messy hair. Rosita looks to Gabriel, and her expression very much is along the lines of please, let this be the end, let me die, before her jaw flexes and she forces out the last bit with a smile. )
If you think you have what it takes to be a Zombae, or you know someone who does, then let us know by leaving a comment.
( ooc: Green is Rosita, red is Gabriel, and comments will be coming from both of them. )