THE MAJORITY REPORT: MAY 20TH, 2017 A few notable ImPorts have been causing little disasters this past week -- nothing quite in "demolition" territory, but little kerfluffles here and there. Is your name involved? One of the few exceptions to the problematic trend is Kanaya Maryam,
who has had a very good week, all things considered.
who has had a very good week, all things considered.
LOCAL MAN RUINS CHILDHOOD
As seen on Deddit, Rumblr, Bwitter, TMI:
Last week, the Electropunk Kiddie Clubhouse attendees found their smiles turned to frowns, and then tears, and then terror, as the most recent DJ debuted on stage. In what some are calling a freak accident, and others call "a crime against humanity", music was slaughtered in a way that Don McLean could have never predicted. Roiling smoke was caught on camera erupting from the front doors, before hordes of pint-sized ravers were evicted from the Clubhouse, their heavily make-uped faces stained with tears and their glowing bracelets bright in the light. Though the clouds of smoke, the DJ was barely identified as the imPort Woden, who has made several claims on his prowess as a music "producer", but is apparently an abject failure at producing his own music.
Reports state that he was also fired on the same day, much to the celebration and cheers of the diminutive dancers who want to rave in peace. If such a thing exists.
THE NATIONAL SOOKIE AGENCY
As seen initially on imPortastic, then Bwitter, online discourse, and other celebrity blogs:
Sookie Stackhouse EXPOSED: see what she has been DOING to you with her telepathy!
"These records reveal ALL," a source told imPortastic. "Sookie has secrets that even her friends don't know. But if they knew about her reading others – they will have a lot of explaining to do."
EXCLUSIVE. TITILLATING. INVASIVE.
I CAN BE YOUR ANGEL OR YOUR IMPORT?
As seen on every respectable imPort conspiracy message board and major news outlets:
The Angel returns! In the last two months, 'The Angel' had seemed to go quiet and there was speculation that whoever he was had been sent back home by the Porter in that sad way that many of our favorite heroes leave us. However, on Mother's Day a combined donation totaling $2000 was made to the Women's Shelters of the ImPort Cities. $500 to each of the major Shelter networks was donated anonymously, but signed 'From The Angel'. On the same day, two children who had been missing - one for three months and the other for five - were welcomed home by their parents with the now familiar envelopes containing information for the police on who the children had been found with and where.
Speculation about who 'The Angel' is has renewed as fans scour the news feeds for familiar returning faces among imPorts arriving this month. A popular new theory among fans is that whomever The Angel is, they're hiding their flight power while dressed as a 'civilian' to throw off identification. If this is the case, then figuring out who left and who's returned in the last two months since the sightings of The Angel came to an abrupt end may be the key to cracking their identity!
When asked about this, the Maurtia Falls Police Department stated that while they'd certainly like to know who to thank for closing so many missing person's files, they would not be able to comment on any such attempts as there is still an ongoing investigation into the deaths of the eight child traffickers who were found murdered when the police followed up on The Angel's lead in January.
POWER (BUSINESS) COUPLE
As seen in fashion magazines, Bwitter, and national news:
ImPort fashion designer Kanaya Maryam announced a new partnership with chemical developer OsCorp this week, with a spectacular new service at its center, in support of costumed crime-fighters nationwide. The venture offers to outfit and equip clients with everything they need to catch crooks effectively and safely, and while looking as stylish as they come! Attached to the project are Peter Parker, the friendly neighborhood Spider-Man, and Revan, former controversial imPort ambassador to Maurtia Falls. Both are known to be engineering geniuses, likely onboard to provide the equipment side.
No price points were mentioned in the announcement, and questions about whether they would serve Extremis-powered natives or Unsettled imPorts were not addressed. When asked how she feels comfortable working with OsCorp after her history with its previous president, Maryam released a statement:
"The only thing Norman Osborn has in common with his grandfather is his name. He is a brave, compassionate man who has done everything in his power to elevate the good standing of OsCorp from the horrid legacy that was left to him, both here and on his source world. It is because of Normie, and heroes like Spider-Man and the Blue Beetle, that I'm where I am today, and I trust him completely. There is no one I would more proudly attach my brand to." In January of last year, Osborn's grandfather, who was also named Norman, was found guilty of kidnapping, human experimentation, and multiple counts of assault and attempted murder after it was proven that the crimes committed by Maryam under the guise of "Hobgoblin" were a result of targeted brainwashing.
THREE PEAS IN A PODCAST
As heard online, on all the best podcast-supporting websites, and discussed in metahuman-related conspiracy blogs:
This month’s episode of Count Dooku’s political podcast Counting Truths guest-stars imPort opinionator Kanaya Maryam and reformed supervillain Doctor Jonathan Crane to discuss imPort crime and punishment. The main issue is the problem of a justice system that consistently grants imPort offenders light probation sentences for even serious crimes.
Crane's interview involves cold, logical arguments; he asserts that imPort crime should not be individuated when reality is crime existed before they came into being, adding that the problem of a lenient judiciary is hardly unique. imPorts are not the only privileged group to receive a slap on the wrist. He reminds Dooku that Maurtia Falls suffers rampant corruption, and, without naming names, adds that the archetype of the corrupt politician is truism due to prevalence. Dooku questions whether he speaks from experience. He coolly responds that his career was wholly focused on the assessment and treatment of mentally disordered offenders in a secure hospital. He ends by surmising that the issue isn't unique to imPorts per say; it just brings additional environmental factors to consider.
Kanaya argues that while her fellow guest would obviously find pleasure in considering himself superior, the community has done nothing to deserve that position, and that it is the result of failure within both the ranks of the government and in imPort leadership not to challenge that attitude as it occurs. She cites the example of Nonah ambassador Miles Vorkosigan, who has excused the murder of native strangers because they were committed by an imPort friend, and how the ubiquity of these attitudes coupled with the inadequate response to imPort crime has taught the community that their actions have no consequences. The damage this does is self-evident, and is almost certainly related to the recent flooding in Nonah, whether caused by carelessness or malice, and the government has done nothing to discourage it.
The Count closes the episode’s discussions by thanking his guests and encouraging concerned listeners to peacefully make their voices heard on this issue by organizing for lobbying and contacting their elected imPort representatives.
The Homeland Security Advisory System has moved from SILVER AGE to GODDESS GREEN, because that is the color of success right now.
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