THE MAJORITY REPORT: MARCH 20TH, 2017 Mutilated corpses seem to be all the rage now. Be careful! Take heed! Don't walk down any dark alleyways or look into other people's trash cans, or you might find a dismembered head looking back!
As seen in the local Maurtia Falls papers:
The unstoppable urban artist "bElish" has slapped down a new project near the Maurtia Falls mayoral residence. In bold, gold lettering is written "improptent" across the asphalt road leading to the residence. A spray of Petyr Baelish's face in light blue can be found alongside the enigmatic word. What is the meaning behind this art? Is it foreshadow? Is it anti-capitalistic outrage? Is the patriarchy now in free fall?
ON A STREAMING SITE FAR, FAR AWAY
As heard on hot and new online podcast sites and gossip blogs only, conspicuously not covered by mainstream media publications:
ImPort entertainer and occasional political figure Count Dooku debuted a controversial new podcast this week under the title of Counting Truths, using his inimitably deep voice to spread his knowledge on the Internet. The first episode, themed Truth and Justice, starts with Dooku stating his intention to spark frank discussion on political topics not covered by the standard American media, which he derided as a "chattering mass of celebrity gossip and frivolous nonsense." He urges his listeners to ask questions and challenge official stories, appealing specifically to America's superhumans, "those with the power to truly create change." Toward that end, he invites imPorts and metahumans to appear on later episodes of the podcast for interviews as guests.
The Count closes the episode by asking listeners to observe a belated moment of silence for what he calls "the Debrecen massacre," an incident roughly one year ago when American warplanes bombed the Soviet-allied city of Debrecen, Hungary to destroy alleged weapons research there, killing thousands of civilians. "No one has ever been held accountable for this war crime," Dooku intones in the podcast. "ImPort protests fell upon deaf ears. But I predict there will one day be justice for this and other acts of corruption. The innocent dead can never be forgotten."
TO THE VIKTOR, THE SPOILS
As seen in imPort tabloids, footage on BlueTube, gifs on Rumblr:
Viktor's powers are a menace and dragged Adachi into something that was a little too intimate looking. Prime material for gossip! Chew on it long and hard. Viktor cheating on Yuuri?? Is prudish Adachi now a homewrecker??
FRUIT OF THE DOOM
As seen national news:
Do you like apples? Do you like eating apples? Do you have any stock invested in Big Produce, with a finger on apple harvest? WELL SUCKS FOR YOU. Between March 20th - March 25th, an unprecedented and seemingly biblical thing happens: 80% of the apple produce in stores ROTS. Millions of dollars are lost in this hit, and it's a thing the CDC has to figure out, ideally along with the EPA, and CERTAINLY the Department of Agriculture. No other food appears affected, and the apparent famine is very, very brief. So what does this mean for YOU? Apples are temporary a scarce and incredibly expensive item, the surviving stock of that remaining 20% is now worth 5000% times its usual asking price.
The Homeland Security Advisory System has moved from GLITTER to SOLAR ECLIPSE because it makes you feel just a bit uneasy.
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