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THE MAJORITY REPORT: MARCH 20TH, 2017
Mutilated corpses seem to be all the rage now. Be careful! Take heed! Don't walk down any dark alleyways or look into other people's trash cans, or you might find a dismembered head looking back!

MODERN FART
As seen in the local Maurtia Falls papers:
The unstoppable urban artist "bElish" has slapped down a new project near the Maurtia Falls mayoral residence. In bold, gold lettering is written "improptent" across the asphalt road leading to the residence. A spray of Petyr Baelish's face in light blue can be found alongside the enigmatic word. What is the meaning behind this art? Is it foreshadow? Is it anti-capitalistic outrage? Is the patriarchy now in free fall?

ON A STREAMING SITE FAR, FAR AWAY
As heard on hot and new online podcast sites and gossip blogs only, conspicuously not covered by mainstream media publications:
ImPort entertainer and occasional political figure Count Dooku debuted a controversial new podcast this week under the title of Counting Truths, using his inimitably deep voice to spread his knowledge on the Internet. The first episode, themed Truth and Justice, starts with Dooku stating his intention to spark frank discussion on political topics not covered by the standard American media, which he derided as a "chattering mass of celebrity gossip and frivolous nonsense." He urges his listeners to ask questions and challenge official stories, appealing specifically to America's superhumans, "those with the power to truly create change." Toward that end, he invites imPorts and metahumans to appear on later episodes of the podcast for interviews as guests.

The Count closes the episode by asking listeners to observe a belated moment of silence for what he calls "the Debrecen massacre," an incident roughly one year ago when American warplanes bombed the Soviet-allied city of Debrecen, Hungary to destroy alleged weapons research there, killing thousands of civilians. "No one has ever been held accountable for this war crime," Dooku intones in the podcast. "ImPort protests fell upon deaf ears. But I predict there will one day be justice for this and other acts of corruption. The innocent dead can never be forgotten."

TO THE VIKTOR, THE SPOILS
As seen in imPort tabloids, footage on BlueTube, gifs on Rumblr:
Viktor's powers are a menace and dragged Adachi into something that was a little too intimate looking. Prime material for gossip! Chew on it long and hard. Viktor cheating on Yuuri?? Is prudish Adachi now a homewrecker??

FRUIT OF THE DOOM
As seen national news:
Do you like apples? Do you like eating apples? Do you have any stock invested in Big Produce, with a finger on apple harvest? WELL SUCKS FOR YOU. Between March 20th - March 25th, an unprecedented and seemingly biblical thing happens: 80% of the apple produce in stores ROTS. Millions of dollars are lost in this hit, and it's a thing the CDC has to figure out, ideally along with the EPA, and CERTAINLY the Department of Agriculture. No other food appears affected, and the apparent famine is very, very brief. So what does this mean for YOU? Apples are temporary a scarce and incredibly expensive item, the surviving stock of that remaining 20% is now worth 5000% times its usual asking price.

CODE SWITCH
The Homeland Security Advisory System has moved from GLITTER to SOLAR ECLIPSE because it makes you feel just a bit uneasy.

WANT TO SUBMIT TO THE MAJORITY REPORT?
The Majority Report comes out the 10th and 20th of every month. You may find details and submit here. The cut-off time is 12:01 AM PST on the 9th and the 19th for the corresponding dates.
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Good morrow.

( She pauses, and frowns. Not a level 10 frown, or even a level 8 frown. It's more just Herian's default level of frown, which is about a 4.5. Herian exhales a slightly displeased breath, and turns her device to focus on three men. All are bound, two are conscious, one is not. They are on the sand, but at least she's done them the service of setting them in the shade. When she speaks her voice is quiet and steady, but perfectly clear. )

Where to should I deliver these miscreants? They thought to relieve a jeweller of her crafts. By good fortune I was present to give chase - they were not quite so easy with themselves, when they realised their clumsiness. Cowards rarely find revels when their ill-deeds are granted witness by any but those vulnerable.

( The camera comes back to face herself, and she holds her head up. She is dressed in chainmail and dark robes, faded to a slate grey by sun and travel. )

One may require aid from an apothecary. I struck him but lightly - still, he swooned readily. I fear he was crafted with some delicateness, ill-suited to his chosen activities for this day. If there is a proper place where they might be left, I would be glad to know of it.

( For just the briefest moment there is a flicker of what might, maybe, be amusement at the corner of her mouth - but maybe not. ) My knowledge of this realm is limited, and as yet I've observed no stockades. Singular, that.

( Ah. She pauses, about to turn off the feed, and course corrects. ) Forgive me my abruptness. I am Ser Herian Amsel. I thank you in advance for your guidance.

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