THE MAJORITY REPORT: APRIL 10TH, 2017 Holy narcolepsy, Batman! A pandemic sleeping sickness has been sweeping the streets, dropping imPorts right and left. What sort of new medical terror is this? Where's the Prince Charming to kiss these fallen beauties out of their slumber??
HE WAS ICE SK8TER BOY
As seen in on BlueTube, Bwitter, Rumblr:
W O W!!
A new viral video of an impromptu figure skating exhibition has been making the rounds on social media lately, and it is stunning. Who knew something as simple as skating could be this moving? And to see something so beautiful coming from such a cranky little kitten, astounding!
Do yourself a favor and watch it here. You won't regret it.
As seen in Bwitter, Rumblr, and all the good gossip tabloids:
Is there anything more wonderful in this world than young love?
Certainly not, if recent developments are anything to go by! What seemed to begin as an budding friendship between imPorts, students at a local middle school eagerly report, seems to have blown into a full-fledged secret romance!
According to classmates Hinami Fueguchi and Yuuto Kidou, both imPorts and students of Nonah Middle School, always seemed to have what was described as a "formal, kind of uneasy" friendship. But are things looking up? Their fellow students seem to think so!
Over the last few weeks we have been informed, some of that formality seems to have been disregarded. Though Mr. Kidou seems to have opted to remain with last names (What a gentleman!), Ms. Fueguchi is reported to have begun to call him by the nickname "Kikkun", though none of their classmates seem to be sure where exactly the nickname came from.
As if that wasn't enough to get some middle school gossip going, the two were involved in what students described as a rescue so brave and romantic, it deserves its own movie moment! With the apparitions plaguing our cities this past March, even our younger imPorts weren't spared the trouble. According to onlookers, Mr. Kidou spotted Ms. Fueguchi cornered by one and valiantly cleared out the students so he could run to her rescue! Perhaps he wanted to be the only one around to do so? What a dedicated young man!
Though the pair have denied the relationship when asked about it, classmates were insistent that it was nothing more than a cover meant to protect Mr. Kidou from the potential wrath of Ms. Fueguchi's notoriously protective older brother, Ken Kaneki. Some even reported spotting the two meeting up after classes under the guise of studying, and Mr. Kidou gifting Ms. Fueguchi with numerous treats, from sweets to lunches.
Students also reported that Ms. Fueguchi had been receiving love letters from an admirer in her locker for many months. Has the secret admirer perhaps finally come forward?
What's next for this young couple? Sign up for updates and find out!
A LITTLE BIRD TOLD ME
As seen in local Maurtia Falls newspapers and heard on talk radio:
They poison them in the wild. They poison them in the park. It's hard being a pigeon in 2017. On Sunday 9th, an unprecedented number of pigeons were found poisoned in Maurtia Falls Municipal Park, done in with a squirrel or two. No other animals appeared affected. Park keepers gave no explanation for the cause, other than to say, "we condemn this impiety and lack of propriety and remain convinced the culprit made off with a dead pigeon or two."
Is it against your religion to poison pigeons in the park, imPorts? Call, bweet, or e-mail us with your comments.
I SOLOMONS SWEAR I AM UP TO NO GOOD
As seen in national and local news:
Alfie Solomons, cooking show host extraordinaire, has been arrested for bank robbery! Shock, gasp! Though there is video proof along with witnesses (as well as a lot of whispering that this isn't the first time he's been involved in illegal dealings) and though he wasn't able to provide an alibi, he maintains his innocence, claiming that someone must have either doctored the footage and tampered with the witnesses in some way (implanting false memories, paying them off, etc.) or disguised themselves as him. Despite the best efforts of his lawyer, there was not sufficient evidence to dismiss the case outright, and so it will be proceeding to trial.
THE APPLE DOESN'T FALL FAR
As seen national news, but no one really pays attention to it because it's in the science section:
The CDC reports that investigation into the very brief apple famine is ongoing. It is accurate to conclude that no imPort was behind the incident. Rumors that this was a biogenetic testing sample gone wrong persist, much to the dismay of the CDC and other government facilities.
The Homeland Security Advisory System has moved from SOLAR ECLIPSE to OF THE HEART in honor of Dorian Gray's probably accidental sacrifice.
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The Majority Report comes out the 10th and 20th of every month. You may find details and submit here. The cut-off time is 12:01 AM PST on the 9th and the 19th for the corresponding dates.