O3 👶 VIDEO (road not taken)

[pillz]

[the teenager in the video is wearing a green beanie. it must be new because there's still a price tag poking out behind his left ear. he beams at the camera with the slightly choreographed but earnest good nature of a closet introvert on his first day of school.

his eyes are slightly small, a telltale sign for those who fraternitize with potheads.]

Hi! I'm Joe. I guess I must have like, retrograde amnesia or something because I found this folder of brochures and stuff about a Porter and superheroes and nanomachines and whatever but I don't remember any of it from before? Anyway I just have a couple questions.

Number one. My neighbor is eleven and he told me their classroom pet just died, and I told the school I'm going to get them new ones. Then I started to think about, you know, the ethics of making animals that don't need to eat or poo. I mean, I'm not super religious, Darwinism seems kinda accurate, and even though I'm a vegan but I get that cows were just way too small for the industry before we had breeds. Mankind has been messing around with genetics for a long time. But it seems like a slippery slope, right? When does messing with life itself turn into like-- the crippling hubris that comes with the presumption of human convenience? Will Mother Nature fight back? Does the balance correct itself? You know? And is it important for eleven-year-olds to learn about cleaning poop? And if someone like, hypothetically... [he pauses with the subtlety of a bsod.] got a bird that doesn't eat or poopoo, and they decided it was unethical to give it to fifth graders, what should he do with it? And before anyone asks, it has a butthole and a mouth hole.

Okay. [he sucks in air as if he'd started to run out partway through that ramble (probably).] Okay. My other question is, does anyone else want to do a juice cleanse? Because I guess I was doing some kind of messed up diet. I lost twenty pounds and had like three hundred pills in my cabinet, but I feel super bloated and gross. Right now, I'm seriously even willing to consider wheatgrass or cod oil even though I usually can't stand the taste of fishy burps. And, you know, vegan. I could use a diet buddy. Or a group. I'm into groups. But not yoga or weights or meditation.

Hiking, I love hiking. And four-wheeling. If anyone sees an olive colored ATV with a 1984 sticker around, that's mine.

Okay get back to me. Later! [he waves enthusiastically at the camera, then hangs up.]

Comments

[pillz]

You are such a dick! [kavinsky is nearly impressed. but mostly miffed.

w o w. where is the ass aloe.]

Man I don't know what your problem is. I was trying to help out in a classroom. You don't believe in education? In ethics? In magic? [he rubs the left side of his face, skewing his eyeball dramatically.]

[rathercommon]

In magic? What, so you actually made this bird of yours?

[pillz]

What, [kavinsky says, realizing rather too late his error.] I don't-- umm. I don't know.

[that's stupid. of course he knows. even if he didn't make a magical bird, he'd know he hadn't made a magical bird. a crease appears between his eyebrows.]

I mean, I know, but I don't want to say anything to weirdos on the Internet, [he says, finally.] No offense, chica, but you are weird.

[rathercommon]

[ What. ]

I'm weird? You're weird.

[pillz]

I'm not weird, [kavinsky retorts.] I'm fucking magic. And pretty fucking polite.

[f-bombs aside. some things do not change between universes.]

Maybe you're not stupid and you're just ignorant. There's a fix for that.

[rathercommon]

Oh, let me guess. You're going to educate me?

[pillz]

Yes. Maybe, [kavinsky modifies his own statement, after a moment.] Hubris gets people killed where I come from. It's unavoidable, maybe. But we built cities on tectonic fault lines, and then we fra-- drill down for oil. Maybe the next big earthquake isn't us, but we're sure as fuck not worrying about it. I don't think magic's gonna be any different. Everything has a cost, dude. Problem is, where I come from, people don't like thinking about what it is.

I don't think magic's different just because it's magic.

[a beat.]

I also got a speech about unethical farming practices somewhere too, I dunno what you're into.

[rathercommon]

[ Her voice is dismissive. ]

I don't think, I don't think, I don't think. You don't actually know the first thing about magic, do you? It's all just speculation.

[pillz]

[kavinsky's voice is cross.] I do so know a bunch of shit about magic. I'm just-- allowing for the possibility I don't know everything about magic.

You should allow for that too.

[rathercommon]

I've spent my entire life studying magic. I think I'm fairly competent.

[pillz]

What, [kavinsky inquires, squinting hazily at the camera.] Really? Shit.

So what the Hell's your take on it then?

[rathercommon]

On it. On what? On magic?

[pillz]

Sure. Magic. Its. Uhh. [he sniffs wetly.] Acceptable use policy.

[rathercommon]

Its acceptable use policy? Well. As far as I'm concerned, it's acceptable to use when it's being applied for the advancement of humanity.

[pillz]

Well yeah.

[this is kavinsky's best 'duh' voice.]

So are you for or against shitless classroom animals, I can't tell.

[rathercommon]

Against. That's stupid. Sanitizing pets and removing all the inconvenient parts of them does nothing to teach responsibility or compassion to those taking care of them. Living creatures aren't supposed to be easy.

[pillz]

Well that's what I was talking about. What part was the nonsense? Jesus H Christ. [he paws at his own face like an exasperated cat.] Okay.

Now what do I do about the one fucked up mutant bird I shot out?

[rathercommon]

Eliminate it.

[pillz]

[---------- —]

Eliminate it--?

[rathercommon]

Too many syllables? Kill it.

[pillz]

[oh my god.] Wh--

What's wrong with you? [asks joey, indignant.] It never did anything to hurt anybody. I'm the one who screwed up.

[rathercommon]

Is it going to contribute at all to anything? Improve the condition of society in any way?

[pillz]

Not every animal on Earth needs an aspirational fuckin' goal observable by people! Dude.

[rathercommon]

So who's going to care for it, then?

[pillz]

I don't know. Maybe I'll let it go. It could be fine-- it knows how to fly.