crab: (13 █ because it all burned down)
karkat vantrash ([personal profile] crab) wrote in [community profile] maskormenace2014-06-06 12:20 am

THIRD ♋ TEXT.

OKAY, INTERRUPTING YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED 24/7 VAPID BULLSHIT FEED FOR SOMETHING I'VE BEEN MEANING TO TALK ABOUT FOR A WHILE.
I ASK THAT YOU DO US ALL A FAVOR AND QUIT SCRATCHING YOUR SEED FLAPS LONG ENOUGH FOR SOME OF THIS TO PENETRATE THE DENSE, FLAKY IDIOT CRUST ENCASING YOUR COLLECTIVE CRANIUMS.
DON'T WORRY, I'LL GIVE YOU A MOMENT, I KNOW IT'S ASKING A LOT.
ARE WE ALL PAYING ATTENTION? ARE OUR WANDERING HANDS FORCIBLY RESTRAINED, PERHAPS WITH SOME MANNER OF CUFFING DEVICE?
GOOD. LET'S GET DOWN TO BUSINESS.

I WANT TO TALK ABOUT JELLO.
NOW, JELLO IS GROSS AND UNNATURAL ENOUGH ON ITS OWN. I DON'T ACTUALLY WANT TO KNOW WHAT THE SICK FUCK WHO INVENTED IT WAS THINKING.
NO FOOD SHOULD HAVE SUCH PERFECT UNIFORM DENSITY! AND THE WAY IT JIGGLES? DOWNRIGHT UNSETTLING. WATCHING THAT GLISTENING GELATINOUS CONSTRUCT WOBBLE DRAWS THE MOST INVOLUNTARY AND VISCERAL OF SHUDDERS FROM THE VERY BASE OF MY SKULL, RATTLING ITS WAY ALL THE WAY DOWN MY VERTEBRAL COLUMN.
I DON'T THINK IT EVEN REALLY COUNTS AS FOOD. YOU PUT IT IN YOUR MOUTH AND BITE A FEW TIMES, UNTIL THE DISTURBING REALIZATION THAT YOU'RE ONLY BREAKING THE JELLO UP INTO PROGRESSIVELY SMALLER, SLIMIER JELLOS FORCES YOU TO SWALLOW, AND THEN YOU REALIZE YOU DON'T FEEL AS THOUGH YOU'VE CONSUMED ANYTHING AT ALL.
THERE IS NO SATISFACTION IN THE EXPERIENCE.
ONLY VAGUE UNEASE AND A DISTANT SENSE OF SHAME.

THAT WASN'T BAD ENOUGH, THOUGH.
YOU ASSHOLES FELT THE NEED TO START PUTTING SHIT *INTO* THE JELLO. I GUESS MAYBE TO COUNTERACT THE PROBLEM I JUST OUTLINED ABOVE? WHATEVER THE REASON, IT WAS A MISTAKE.
THE LEAST OFFENSIVE OF THIS PRACTICE BEING FRUIT PRODUCTS. SURE, THE TASTE IS ALRIGHT, I GUESS? BUT YOU BITE DOWN, REGISTER THAT THAT'S DEFINITELY FRUIT YOU'RE EATING, AND THEN YOUR TEETH JUST SUDDENLY ENTER THIS STRANGE ZONE AND GLIDE THROUGH UNIMPEDED? AND THEN YOU'VE GOT ALL THESE RAMBUNCTIOUS MINIATURE JELLOS SLIDING AROUND IN THERE AMONG THE INNOCENT FRUIT PIECES YOU WERE ATTEMPTING TO CONSUME, RUNNING AMOK AND GENERALLY MAKING EVERYONE UNCOMFORTABLE.
I THOUGHT THAT WAS THE END OF IT. I REALLY DID.
BUT WHAT I REALLY WANT TO TALK ABOUT IS THIS CRIME AGAINST NATURE.

WHO THINKS THIS IS APPEALING?
I LEGITIMATELY WANT TO KNOW.
WHICH OF YOU WOULD ACTUALLY PUT THIS IN YOUR MOUTH
CHEW
SAVOR
AND SWALLOW
WILLINGLY!! WITHOUT BEING PLACED UNDER EXTREME DURESS
AND SAY, MMMM, DELICIOUS???

I WANT TO KNOW, SO I CAN REFER YOU TO ONE OF MY COLLEAGUES. THEY'RE COUNSELLORS. THEY'LL HELP YOU. WE'LL GET THROUGH THIS TOGETHER, I PROMISE YOU.
kegflipped: (alright anthropology)

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[personal profile] kegflipped 2014-06-05 03:50 pm (UTC)(link)
seed flaps
i think that's hilarious. good job

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centurybaby: (pic#3199329)

permavid

[personal profile] centurybaby 2014-06-05 04:32 pm (UTC)(link)
[ JUST THIS FACE RN, KARKAT. ]

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mercyisweakness: ([pb] you metallics suck so hard)

video

[personal profile] mercyisweakness 2014-06-05 05:20 pm (UTC)(link)
That's disgusting.

[ Good thing most of the time she eats screaming, still-alive cows and other wildlife as she devours them. ]

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yourpiecenow: (and it's hard to dance)

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[personal profile] yourpiecenow 2014-06-05 05:45 pm (UTC)(link)
why do you care

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lucke: (Curious-thoughful)

[personal profile] lucke 2014-06-05 06:05 pm (UTC)(link)
Is that all? [Man, you got him worked up for nothing]

You've let yourself be defeated by a dessert?

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sensuality: ac: kr0npr1nz (Default)

【ᴛᴇxᴛ】

[personal profile] sensuality 2014-06-05 06:05 pm (UTC)(link)
you know what

if I ever find myself truly hungry, I would eat that disgusting combination of jello and real food

but jello on its own is pretty good

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enigmaestro: (Cocky.)

[personal profile] enigmaestro 2014-06-05 07:08 pm (UTC)(link)
Pray that you never find yourself incarcerated, then.

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glowsferatu: smug (Let Your Juvenile Impulses Sway)

[personal profile] glowsferatu 2014-06-05 07:20 pm (UTC)(link)
Sounds Like Someones Had A Long Week
But Thats An Idea I Hadnt Thought Of I Wonder If The Water Substitutes Easily

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toolongdidntrejoice: My use only (16)

[personal profile] toolongdidntrejoice 2014-06-05 07:30 pm (UTC)(link)
One might question your priorities, Karkat Vantas.

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pixiestyx: sara pichelli (off that airplane glue)

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[personal profile] pixiestyx 2014-06-05 08:16 pm (UTC)(link)
its just jelly...i dont like it very much either but theres no need to make such a fuss about it

you are taking about jelly right? sorry but your post is a little hard to read :/


[:///]

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bullysandwicher: (Mask - Oh)

[Video]

[personal profile] bullysandwicher 2014-06-05 09:32 pm (UTC)(link)
You sure write a lot.

Also, I'd eat those.

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dragony: is spending all day with you (n - the worst that can happen)

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[personal profile] dragony 2014-06-06 01:23 am (UTC)(link)
Oh my god, Karkat, it was one time!

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taselikeabee: (27)

voice;

[personal profile] taselikeabee 2014-06-06 03:17 am (UTC)(link)
I think you just ruined any chance I was ever going to have of trying it.

Thanks.

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hackitude: surprised (fire up your heart and drive on)

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[personal profile] hackitude 2014-06-06 04:35 am (UTC)(link)
Didn't anyone ever teach you it's rude to type in all-caps?

Also, gross.

Though jello can be pretty nice if you cut it up in small pieces and put it in other things for texture variation. Like ice cream parfaits.

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liverletdie: (whatchu up to bb?)

Voice

[personal profile] liverletdie 2014-06-06 05:38 am (UTC)(link)
That looks gross. Are you sure that this isn't a prank?

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boobwindow: (sufficiently awkward)

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[personal profile] boobwindow 2014-06-06 06:00 am (UTC)(link)
Okay, I genuinely need to know why this is upsetting you.

Disgusting food is disgusting, but isn't a crime against nature.

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question: (➌ ❝ W H A T ▿ N O W ? ❞)

[personal profile] question 2014-06-06 04:49 pm (UTC)(link)
Jello is the best food. I mean, after pizza and doritos and Reese's. But it's top five.

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ironbuttmonkey: (Default)

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[personal profile] ironbuttmonkey 2014-06-06 05:23 pm (UTC)(link)
did u even try it
id try it

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earnedmystripes: (pic#1182647)

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[personal profile] earnedmystripes 2014-06-07 02:41 am (UTC)(link)
i was gonna say you sounded really absurdly angry about jello
but then i clicked the links

and ew
just ew

what a terrible thing to do to jello
Edited 2014-06-07 02:41 (UTC)

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isaytheeneigh: (Jean046)

voice.

[personal profile] isaytheeneigh 2014-06-07 06:28 am (UTC)(link)
You're right, it looks disgusting, but how is this less bullshit than the other bullshit?

[He feels like this is a very important question to have answered.]

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nitidus: (Default)

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[personal profile] nitidus 2014-06-07 09:18 am (UTC)(link)
Karkat, have you tried just not eating jello?

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dissemble: (the cry goes out)

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[personal profile] dissemble 2014-06-07 02:14 pm (UTC)(link)
[golfclapping]

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transuniversal: (well we found those guys)

[personal profile] transuniversal 2014-06-10 11:59 pm (UTC)(link)
I had no idea Jello deserved so much thought and rage.

[It is kind of impressive.]

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