crab: (13 █ because it all burned down)
karkat vantrash ([personal profile] crab) wrote in [community profile] maskormenace2014-06-06 12:20 am

THIRD ♋ TEXT.

OKAY, INTERRUPTING YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED 24/7 VAPID BULLSHIT FEED FOR SOMETHING I'VE BEEN MEANING TO TALK ABOUT FOR A WHILE.
I ASK THAT YOU DO US ALL A FAVOR AND QUIT SCRATCHING YOUR SEED FLAPS LONG ENOUGH FOR SOME OF THIS TO PENETRATE THE DENSE, FLAKY IDIOT CRUST ENCASING YOUR COLLECTIVE CRANIUMS.
DON'T WORRY, I'LL GIVE YOU A MOMENT, I KNOW IT'S ASKING A LOT.
ARE WE ALL PAYING ATTENTION? ARE OUR WANDERING HANDS FORCIBLY RESTRAINED, PERHAPS WITH SOME MANNER OF CUFFING DEVICE?
GOOD. LET'S GET DOWN TO BUSINESS.

I WANT TO TALK ABOUT JELLO.
NOW, JELLO IS GROSS AND UNNATURAL ENOUGH ON ITS OWN. I DON'T ACTUALLY WANT TO KNOW WHAT THE SICK FUCK WHO INVENTED IT WAS THINKING.
NO FOOD SHOULD HAVE SUCH PERFECT UNIFORM DENSITY! AND THE WAY IT JIGGLES? DOWNRIGHT UNSETTLING. WATCHING THAT GLISTENING GELATINOUS CONSTRUCT WOBBLE DRAWS THE MOST INVOLUNTARY AND VISCERAL OF SHUDDERS FROM THE VERY BASE OF MY SKULL, RATTLING ITS WAY ALL THE WAY DOWN MY VERTEBRAL COLUMN.
I DON'T THINK IT EVEN REALLY COUNTS AS FOOD. YOU PUT IT IN YOUR MOUTH AND BITE A FEW TIMES, UNTIL THE DISTURBING REALIZATION THAT YOU'RE ONLY BREAKING THE JELLO UP INTO PROGRESSIVELY SMALLER, SLIMIER JELLOS FORCES YOU TO SWALLOW, AND THEN YOU REALIZE YOU DON'T FEEL AS THOUGH YOU'VE CONSUMED ANYTHING AT ALL.
THERE IS NO SATISFACTION IN THE EXPERIENCE.
ONLY VAGUE UNEASE AND A DISTANT SENSE OF SHAME.

THAT WASN'T BAD ENOUGH, THOUGH.
YOU ASSHOLES FELT THE NEED TO START PUTTING SHIT *INTO* THE JELLO. I GUESS MAYBE TO COUNTERACT THE PROBLEM I JUST OUTLINED ABOVE? WHATEVER THE REASON, IT WAS A MISTAKE.
THE LEAST OFFENSIVE OF THIS PRACTICE BEING FRUIT PRODUCTS. SURE, THE TASTE IS ALRIGHT, I GUESS? BUT YOU BITE DOWN, REGISTER THAT THAT'S DEFINITELY FRUIT YOU'RE EATING, AND THEN YOUR TEETH JUST SUDDENLY ENTER THIS STRANGE ZONE AND GLIDE THROUGH UNIMPEDED? AND THEN YOU'VE GOT ALL THESE RAMBUNCTIOUS MINIATURE JELLOS SLIDING AROUND IN THERE AMONG THE INNOCENT FRUIT PIECES YOU WERE ATTEMPTING TO CONSUME, RUNNING AMOK AND GENERALLY MAKING EVERYONE UNCOMFORTABLE.
I THOUGHT THAT WAS THE END OF IT. I REALLY DID.
BUT WHAT I REALLY WANT TO TALK ABOUT IS THIS CRIME AGAINST NATURE.

WHO THINKS THIS IS APPEALING?
I LEGITIMATELY WANT TO KNOW.
WHICH OF YOU WOULD ACTUALLY PUT THIS IN YOUR MOUTH
CHEW
SAVOR
AND SWALLOW
WILLINGLY!! WITHOUT BEING PLACED UNDER EXTREME DURESS
AND SAY, MMMM, DELICIOUS???

I WANT TO KNOW, SO I CAN REFER YOU TO ONE OF MY COLLEAGUES. THEY'RE COUNSELLORS. THEY'LL HELP YOU. WE'LL GET THROUGH THIS TOGETHER, I PROMISE YOU.

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