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[couldbebeautiful]

[The video opens in the midst of :Re Café—someone's taking advantage of the break in their new job to make a network post, it seems, though that someone looks a little more worn down than usual, her coat drawn in tight around herself. She smiles wanly and briefly at the camera, as if she can't quite summon up the effort for more than that.]

Fine, Porter, I get it. I get it. Sooner or later everyone I care about is going to get Ported out. Sooner or later I'm getting Ported out, and there's nothing I can do about that. [There's something bitter in her voice, an edge that she usually takes care not to show. Her recent losses have taken a toll on her emotional state.] Jesus.

[She presses the heel of her palm to one eye, then rubs at her eyes as if trying to rub away any sleep. Or tears.]

And here I was starting to think I could probably go to college here. Is it worth it, if you're likely just going to disappear halfway through? Because I just—I don't know, anymore. [A sniff, and she shakes her head.] I thought I did. I honestly thought for a second—

[She stops, pinches the bridge of her nose. Then she reaches out a hand to shut off the feed.]

Comments

VIDEO.

[bragnificent]

Of course it isn't worth it-- and why would you even wanna go to college here in the first place? Not like we actually need it, and I mean... hell, I've been starting to wonder if there's even any point in finishing high school's while we're here. Trust me, the less invested you are, the happier you'll be.

[couldbebeautiful]

[Oh. It's Reggie. Just who she did not want to see, and she's about to snap that she didn't ask for his opinion when she remembers that she technically did.]

Yeah, well. Too late for not being invested. [Her voice is heavy with bitterness and defeat.] I wanted to go because I didn't get a chance to, back home. Now I'm not even sure I'll get a chance here, either.

[bragnificent]

Well, yeah. I mean you're basically my age, Veronica, college is still at least a year or two away for both of us. [ In theory. ] But y'know, everything they always tell you about college to try'n sell you on that whole experience doesn't really mean squat here-- we're already independent. We're already qualified to do whatever the hell we want.

And to top it all off, no parents around to foot the bill, either.

VIDEO.

[thirdstrike]

Isn't going home a good thing? I mean, don't you want to?

[ He's not in any hurry to leave (though nor is he eager to stay, either), but it's not a perspective Carl's heard much of since he's been here-- people that want to stay, maybe even build whole new lives here. ]

[couldbebeautiful]

There's nothing for me to go home to.

[Or so she thinks. She says it with a sort of bleak finality unexpected from someone as young as she looks, despite the dark bags under her eyes.]

And for some of us, we can't go home. We go home, we're dead or we're on our way there. [The smile she gives is a brittle, humorless thing.] That sound like a good thing to you?

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[andtherevolution]

when do you get off work?

text;

[couldbebeautiful]

I can clock out early. How long do I have until you get here?

Video

[showshismetal]

I think it has to be worth it. Otherwise, we aren't living. If we give up on what we want and just survive, what is the point? At least, if we try, we are doing something, being true to us.

[ He looks sad at her sadness and pain, wearing his heart on his sleeve as usual. ]

[couldbebeautiful]

And if we keep losing anyway? What's the point of trying then?

[Her own heart feels like it's been scooped out of her chest, and then stomped on, and the worst part is that there's nothing she can do about it. It chafes on her, this helplessness, to the point where her frustration sharpens her words.]

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[fehus]

The Porter just makes it obvious how fragile life's always been.

That doesn't mean living here has to mean giving up on making connections or doing whatever means something to you.

Do you wanna talk about them?

[couldbebeautiful]

What I want to do is shut myself up in my room and never come out. [Considering that she's out here instead of doing that, though, there's still some hope in there somewhere, even if it's currently buried under layers of pessimism.] And you know what the worst part of this is? I can't even tell myself they're going home.

[Jyn is dead, and she still has some of Brendan's memories rattling around in her head making it very, very clear that he's probably not likely to make it either.]

This world—This was it, for them. This was a chance at something better, and now they're not here and I don't even know if I'll still have that chance tomorrow. Or even tonight.

[ video ]

[divaricate]

I've been on both sides of this. I've only just now come out of a position where I felt that it wasn't worth it, that the risks were too much and the cost too high. That isn't to say I'm not afraid of losing people I care about and the life I've made for myself in an almost two year period of being here, but I've decided that some risks are worth taking, even when it's going to suck when it's torn away without warning.

[A beat, then: ]

That's just my two cents, though.

[couldbebeautiful]

So, what, it's going to take me two years to get there too? Because I don't even know if I have that much time left. Or if anyone I care about here has that much time left. How do you—How do you know which risks are worth it?

[Her voice almost breaks, and Veronica chokes down the urge to break down in public. The network already has some idea how fucked up she is, she's not going to let them see the extent of it.]

Private

[versusseeker]

brendan?

Private Text

[couldbebeautiful]

Brendan and another friend.

Is Scarlett okay?

video

[khajidont]

I'm sorry. It... it sucks when people get ported out, and it can feel useless to do anything here, I get it. But for what it's worth, you should still do what you wanna do. There's never any guarantee about how long we'll be around back home either.

[ He offers her a tight, sympathetic, humourless smile. ]

I put off going to college here for the same reasons as you. But, years later, I'm still here.

[couldbebeautiful]

I don't think I've got all that long back home.

[It's said with the air of bleak finality, but whether she means she's dead or dying or thinking about it, she doesn't specify. She already looks like she kind of regrets even saying this much anyway, but it's all out there now, so she lets out a slow breath.]

And how long have you been here, again?

video.

[perfectible]

College would be a nice distraction.

[ a pause.]

I'm sorry you lost someone.

[couldbebeautiful]

Distractions only work up to a point.

[But damn are they easy to wallow in.]

Did you do anything to either of them? Ever?

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[onlydoubts]

Yeah. Yeah, it's -- [ shit, but. Bodhi scrubs a hand over his mouth. Nevermind. ]

I don't think that we should stop taking chances here, just because we [ might. will. might. ] will eventually be sent back.

[ 'Jyn wouldn't want us to', he almost says. ]

[couldbebeautiful]

[It's a good thing he doesn't, because Veronica's teetering on a tightrope, and had he mentioned Jyn, would've lashed out at the nearest visible target. Even more than she already has, anyway.]

It's fucking stupid. [She completes the sentence for him, exhausted and angry and smarting from the emotional toll of her losses.] This was their chance, they took it, and now they're gone. And I can't—I can't, right now—

[December had been horrifying, but she'd soldiered on through, shoved everything down, down, down. But that can only work for so long until the dam bursts, and Veronica's dam is starting to crack under the strain.]

I'm sick of it. I'm sick and tired.

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[littlemissfutility]

It's always worth it.

[She's calm, but there's a firmness to her words that might suggest this is something she believes very, very strongly.]

You can't wait for anything to happen, even if you think it's inevitable. The only thing you actually have is right now. You have to do now, even if it feels completely pointless. Now's the only point there is.

[couldbebeautiful]

Easy for you and everyone else to say. But how the hell do you know?

[She sniffs a little, wipes at her eyes and draws in a shaky breath.]

And how the hell do you push on if it feels like everything's pushing against you? That just seems like way too much effort, in the end.

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[notyourfathersosborn]

It doesn't matter how many times it happens... it still hurts.

[As someone approaching being here for 3 years, he's seen his fair share of friends go. It never gets any easier.]

As for college... I probably should go, but I never did. Not here, not home either.

[couldbebeautiful]

[She'd like it to stop hurting, now.]

So how do you deal with it? How do you just keep moving on when you're the one left behind?

[She'd been the one doing the leaving, used to be, had left Martha behind for the Heathers, the Heathers for JD, JD for looking at herself in the mirror without hating what she saw, and she finds she doesn't like being on this end. It hurts.]

I didn't get to college, in my world. I didn't—I didn't get the chance, before I got here.