006 • video

[cigarbribery]

You know, [says Foggy, dryly, in the midst of some generically nice restaurant by himself, strangely dressed very nicely with his hair trimmed and combed and his tie fixed,] there's a lot of risks to Internet dating. Creepy strangers. Getting catfished. Unsolicited dick pics. Having a terrible date.

[He turns the camera around, then, to reveal: an empty chair. He turns it back to himself, and lets out a slightly dramatic sigh of resignation.]

Being stood up by your Internet date. [A beat.] Although, I think that falls under the umbrella of "terrible dates" already?

[A quiet chuckle. For someone who's been ghosted by his date, he doesn't seem too torn up about it. Hurt, certainly, Foggy's usual sunny disposition is a little dimmer than it should be, but when he shoots the camera a smile, it's genuine enough.]

So I'm holding a "worst date ever" contest. Rules are: tell me the worst date you've ever had. If it's worse than mine's going and whoever else answers, you get [and he turns the camera around back to the empty seat] this seat that was supposed to go to my date! And dinner, and possibly drinks, on me.

Aaaaand—go.

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[shadowglitter]

[ no... no. What? No. What? This-- this can't be. This doesn't make sense. To deny the soft, powerful angel that graces earth's streets under the guise of a human named Foggy Nelson a night he'll never forget? To cast your gaze upon the glimmering fire of justice that burns so constantly behind his beautiful eyes - to see the way they stare, unerringly, at a better tomorrow - and not immediately want to give him everything he desires and more? Who-- who would... who.. who-- who c-- who cou-- could-- could?? Who?? Who. Who would?? Who... no. No, no. Rolling up his sleeves and preparing to burn down the world, it's Odin Dark! He casts level 400 damage control, best friend edition. ]

Tell me the name of the insolent brigand who dared to cast a shadow over your brilliant light.
I will see them pay for this injustice.

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[cigarbribery]

It's fine! This would not be the first time ever that I've been stood up by a date.

[It was way more common in college, but then Foggy'd also stood up a couple of dates in college, especially around finals. But he doesn't say that.]

Anyway, this is revenge enough. She loses her seat and probably has to pay for her own dinner tonight, and I still get to eat dinner out with company.

Win-win for me and whoever wins the impromptu Worst Date Ever contest.

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[shadowglitter]

[ Wh-- ]

There have been others?!?! That's-- but-- you're Foggy Nelson! Captain of the law amongst the roughest, most criminal seas! You chart your way through choppy waters leaving still goodness and calm virtue in your wake!
You're a hero and a scholar and a genius and a knight and a force of heroic purity with - if I might be so bold as to assume - a massive dick! I mean, like, a fucking leviathan. You don't just tame the seas, you're the beast that dwells inside of them.
I don't understand. I don't get this? I don't-- this is.

This is insane. I don't understand. This fool of a woman needs a stern talking to, if not an exorcism to rid her of whatever foolish demon of stupid baby idiocy is gunking up her ugly and terrible brain.
Can't you arrest her for this? I feel like she's breaking the law. Isn't this that thing you told me about that one time? Character defamation? Libel?
There's gotta be something we can pin on her.

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[h2no]

A whole other universe and internet dating etiquette is still garbage, huh?

[he wonders if it was imPress or a native?? don't do each other dirty like this, imPorts.]

Mine was... it involved lava. Lava that was physically there, that I almost got hit with.

[shit gets wild with these pokeymens.]

...Wasn't too bad, actually.

[cigarbribery]

It’s kind of comforting in a way! [He’s—not quite as mad at Archie as he was, he’s glad the guy seems to be doing okay. Certainly he’s also glad Archie hasn’t shown up in the papers for one thing or another lately. He gives him a wave.] Like, even in a world where we have superpowers and moonbases and interdimensional kidnapping, Internet dating still sucks. There’s a constant across universes.

[Foggy’s mouth opens, then shuts.]

...I am going to regret starting this contest, aren’t I. [Le sigh. Too late. No taking it back now.] How’d lava get involved? Did you hold a date near an active volcano? Did a volcano, what, explode while you were on a date?

[h2no]

[he waves back a little awkwardly. he's still never sure if he should just, like, talk to people like this? but it seems to be going okay. if foggy ever decided he didn't want contact anymore, he'd drop it.]

Like I said, it wasn't too bad. The guy was in possession of a Magcargo, which is a sort of... snail made out of lava that's native to Hoenn. 'Bout the size of a small dog. Anyway-- the Magcargo was lovely, very pleasant, but its trainer thought that Lava Plume is a move you should use as a prank.

[...]

It isn't, for the record. Even with half the power held back.

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[lesterzeppelin]

Mine involved a talking sword that refused to shut up.

[ See that look of disgust? Lester can't even keep his expression calm when he thinks about it. He rests a hand under his chin, struggling to keep his frown even - ]

Shame that your date couldn't recognize your sense of humor. Their loss, if you ask me.

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[cigarbribery]

Did you say "talking sword"? [God, why doesn't that sound weird anymore?]

Yeah, she's missing out on my killer jokes and free dinner. It's all gonna go to whoever's winning this contest instead. Win-win all around except for my former date.

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[lesterzeppelin]

Sure did, buddy. In the name of free food, I'll tell you the sordid story.

[ He blows his bangs out of his face, his frown only intensifying, ] See, I was talking to this really cute guy at a bar, and it might've gone somewhere if I don't know... his sword would've let me get a word in. Every time there was a pause, nope, the sword just kept on going.

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[governorkang]

[His face is a mix of disgust and bewilderderment.

What is wrong with humans?]

I only recently learned that unsolicited dick pics are a real thing that happen often.

[cigarbribery]

[Foggy just winces, a little. Yeah. He has so much sympathy for Kang, there.]

I'm sorry you found out about that, we're kind of terrible sometimes. Don't make my mistakes and go on dating sites, that's the only advice I have for you.

[governorkang]

That won't be a problem. I already have a mate and no interest in other races.

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[setmatch]

I've had my share so here's some highlights.

- We went to a Moroccan restaurant and she asked to leave because everything on the menu "looked too spicy".

- Puked, then fainted during a horror movie and had to be taken to the hospital.

- Was actually trying to use me as a source for his newspaper article by asking me about a high profile case.

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[cigarbribery]

- Had that date. We broke up like three days later.

- Oh my god, I feel so sorry for you.

- Holy shit that's even worse than the last one.

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[fridgeflower]

Oh, boy. My time has come.

I got set up with a dog once. Actually, the date wasn't bad. I didn't know he was a dog, but... Then he was a dog. Like a... Ghost dog? Or a spirit dog? Or something.

Either way, he was a dog.

I have more, if that doesn't cut it.

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[cigarbribery]

I think that's somewhere near "got lava thrown at me" territory already, but you know what? Tell me more. Let's see if you can outdo that.

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[ghoulking]

At the end of my date, the girl tried to eat me. Literally.

It was my first date ever,

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[cigarbribery]

...yeah, I think you win. That is a terrible first date ever.

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[ikanteven]

To understand this, you have to know, I'm not really very good at making decisions. In fact, I believe there are people that would say my inability to make a choice is my least redeeming feature.

Anyway, I'd been living with this woman for about a month, and we went out to dinner one night, and I couldn't decide what I wanted to eat. She used the occasion to soapbox about how I would never make a choice without being forced into it. We ended up with a lot of people staring and when I asked her to keep her voice down she started yelling at me, and she ended things by dumping her glass of water on my head.

When I got home she'd packed all her things and left.

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[cigarbribery]

Don't take this the wrong way, but I kinda feel really bad for your date too. [A beat.] The literal dumping's definitely taking things too far, though. Yelling was already bad enough.

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[facilitainted]

Her name was Stacianne LeBlatt. To start, with a name like that, what was I thinking?

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[cigarbribery]

Is that a real, actual name? Because that doesn't sound like a real name. What were you thinking, and what happened with her?

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[shesalittle]

Well, I've only been on real dates with one person, and those have all gone pretty good.

But a couple of times before that I did charity date auction things, and those were super awkward.

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[cigarbribery]

I'm glad, and also, jealous of your luck. All your real dates, and none of them have gone terribly.

Oh, god. How awkward were they?

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[sanguinespell]

This guy and I went to a gala together--it wasn't even real, just a cover to break into my mom's office. We needed evidence. Then I found out my dad had been cheating on her. So it wasn't a great night.

My dates after that have all been pretty great, though.