maskormenace | [video] This zombie uprising brought to you by ignorance, bliss

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[video] This zombie uprising brought to you by ignorance, bliss

[When the video feed starts, it's uh... it's a very unhelpful shot of a bunch of shambly lookin' peeps from like the knees down. A few of 'em have some obvious blood stains on their clothing- some old, some fresh- but all in all there's really nothing to report here. Just Zed Legs and pavement. Pavement under a bridge of some kind, judging from the sound of passing cars and the conspicuous absence of much in the way of helpful lighting.]

-pid phone, work al-- oh. It's workin? FINALLY.

[You wouldn't ordinarily think someone could sound stupid and big over the phone, but here we are. Rhino's trying to get his communicator to work and is being largely useless at it. Mostly because these weirdos weren't helping.]

Who do I gotta squash t'make these lousy trick 'r treaters get lost already? It ain't even Halloween yet! ...I don't think...

[And suddenly the Zed legs are replaced by a selfie cam recording of a man in some rather unusual headwear for someone complaining about people jumping the gun on Halloween. Since it looks like his face is coming out of an angry rhinoceros' mouth and all. He also seems more annoyed than troubled by some very obvious zombies trying their best to claw and bite at him. But considering his face is the only fleshy part of him and it's currently too high for biting, there's remarkably little progress being made.]

Am I missin' somethin' here? These freaks just won't leave me alone!

[Yes, Rhino is absolutely the sort of person who would encounter zombies and immediately assume it's some weird elaborate gag. In his defense, his hometown's got a weirdo who swings around in a web-themed onesie fighting crime, and that ain't even the weirdest thing in the Big Apple this year.]

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[Speaking of weird, here's a figure in a showy costume and fishbowl helmet, offering assistance.]

Do you need any help?

Where exactly are you? What city?

I don't need any help with no freaks playin' dress-up!

[Although, speaking of...]

What's with the new look?

New look?

[Hmm.]

You know me?

Course I do. You're that snooty fishbowl guy from the last Six. Mister Rio.

[Beck wasn't partnered with him so the level of attention Rhino devoted to the situation was basically the bare minimum.]

Hey, you almost got his name right! [ Snickering a lil.

it would probably be more helpful to explain alternate universes but that's less important than dumb guffaws ]

Ya mean that ain't it?

[For his part, this is probably a conversation that should be a much lower priority at the moment, but again, it's not like the zombies are making much progress. They'd have to climb up him to reach the only biteable part of him, and the ones that do still have that ability keep getting shoved off.]

Is he at least misty somethin?

Think Mystery plus an "O" on it, 'cause that guy probably thinks that sounds fancier. Like a magician, y'know?

[ Bantering while there's more important things going on is just their way, okay ]

Edited 2019-10-18 02:26 (UTC)

Mystery-O...

[Yeah he's trying it on for size, outlook's not so good.]

Don't that sound worse? Like cereal or somethin?

[Worst. Teammates. Ever.]

...Close enough. But he ain't a well balanced breakfast, if you ask me.

Snooty?

...And it's Mysterio. Mist-ear-ee-oh.

[He sounds it out.]

Yeah. Snooty. Always actin' like them fancy gadgets 'n stuff meant you were better'n the rest of us.

[This may or may not have been accurate, but look, with as dramatic as his Mysterio was and how freely he dished out his condescension in a haughty accent, it was easy for a meathead to get that impression.]

Even though you got busted by the web-creep just like the rest of us. Only he didn't need to use no tricks!

[He lets the helmet retract, revealing his face. And he looks irritated, even though it was kind of true - even in an alternate universe.]

Look. I'm not the Mysterio you know.

What, do you think I'm stupid? Everybody knows there's only one of yous!

[He is stupid, but. Think carefully before answering, Beck.]

Not countin' those dumb robots, I mean.

[Beck's certainly thinking he may be stupid, but he doesn't say that aloud. Instead, he asks.]

What's your name?

[And somebody else mentioned robots before... It's something he's already considering for the future.]

We don't share names. Call me Rhino.

[On account of...well. Hopefully this is one of those things Beck can piece together on his own.]

Fine. Codenames. You already know my superhero moniker.

[Yes, he did say hero.]

[Georgia straightens, frowning sharply under her sunglasses. She can't know for sure these are the same as the zombies in her world, but she definitely knows they're not trick or treaters. She also knows exactly how wrong it can go when the world sees zombies and assumes gag.

The part where the guy is wearing a rhino costume is new, but the rest of this is all too familiar.]

Unless you've got a pressing urge to find out how brains taste, I'd suggest getting the fuck out of there now and finding some bleach to dump on yourself.

[See that look, Georgia? You lost him. You're asking him to connect the dots A, B, and C without telling him exactly where to find B. And there's exactly 0 helpful pictures involved.]

...I don't get it.

[And it's at that point one of the livelier ones decides to try taking a bite out of his arm. Something that doesn't even register for O'Hirn, but well...it's a zombie that's much less likely to be a threat to anyone, considering just how many teeth don't survive the attempt. There doesn't appear to be any markings of any kind where O'Hirn was bit either, considering this crowd would have more luck trying to eat a cement truck.]

What do I need bleach for?

[Great, she has to spell it out for him.]

This is not a prank. Those are not trick or treaters. They are zombies, and while it appears that your... outfit is acting as body armor, if even a molecule of zombie blood or spit gets in your blood stream, you're going to become one of them. So get out of there, don't touch your face, and douse yourself in bleach right the fuck now.

O'Hirn? O'Hirn, that you, buddy? You gotta know who I am or I'm gonna lose it. [ He's had it up to HERE with alternate universes.

wait okay, but zombies though ]

Jeeze, you picked the worst time to show up, huh?

Edited 2019-10-17 04:52 (UTC)

Marko? They nabbed you too? What's goin' on with this place?

Tell me about it. I've been here a month, and stuff's only gotten weirder. [ He can't help but smile, though, because god he's glad to see Rhino. ]

A month? That why you didn't get pinched? And whaddya mean weirder?

[...Alexander O'Hirn is not a smart man, and Marko should be used to this.]

You know those're zombies, right? Like from that movie that came out a couple years ago, Twenty-something Days or whatever. 'Cept they're real.

Fer real?

[Ordinarily, he'd be more skeptical. But this is Marko, so...pardon him while he gives the assembled horde a brief quizzical look before turning his attention back to the network device.]

That means I can squash 'em, right?

[Look prison's one thing but there's only one person he's willing to risk the electric chair to kill ok]

Yeah, probably. I think they're already dead, so... go nuts. [ He shrugs. It doesn't sound like HIS idea of a good time but. ]

Okay. Buddy. Uh. Do you have any weapons?

[Because those are definitely zombies.]

Ha. Yeah. Somethin' like that. Why?

[They are definitely zombies, and they are definitely chasing the wrong meal. They'd be more successful trying to eat the bridge he's under.]

Cause those totally sound like zombies and you need to destroy their brains.

Well. Yeah.

But those ain't real though.

[If he wasn't huge and nigh invulnerable this guy would have been dead and eaten like an hour ago.]

How can you be sure?

Cause they're just made up. Like Santy Claus 'n the Easter Bunny.

[The Tooth Fairy is conspicuously absent from that list and honestly it's probably one of those questions that shouldn't be asked.]

Y'know, make believe kid stuff!

I mean, there's lots of things that aren't real back home for me but are real here. Ya know, like superheroes and stuff. I would take this way more seriously if I were you. You don't wanna be a zombie that someone else needs to like. Kill.

[ Hey, guess who's in the neighborhood where you happen to be making that video? It's your ol' pal. ]

Whoa, dude. Literal zombies? You look like you need a hand.

[Welp. Good job Pete you sure stepped/swung in it this time]

YOOOUUUUU!

[Aaaand that's pretty much the only warning the webhead was gonna get that things were Not So Friendly in the Neighborhood. The assembled zombies were flung out of the way as Spidey's new best friend cleared the way for a ground-shaking sprint right for him.

Prooooobably not to shake his hand or ask for directions.]

[ Well crap. Isn't this just his luck? Why does he keep getting yelled at (and now attacked by) people he doesn't know? It's getting old. ]

Hey, wait, I'm probably not--

[ Okay too close to talk any more. He does a quick backflip out of the way, landing on a zombie head and uh. Perching there for half a second. Sorry, undead dude, you've got a spider on your face. ]

[ Okay. What exactly is he even looking at here? And why does he even bother looking at it? Maybe because it's kind of hard to look away, despite how pathetic is all seems. But maybe that's exactly why...

Oh well. ]

I suppose if you really need to squash someone, you might as well try them.

[ Yes, he's vaguely pointing towards the undead. ]

[Oh god oh god THIS IS SERIOUSLY]

Don't get bitten! I promise you, this is not a drill! Dawn of the Dead, 28 Weeks Later, the whole thing!

[Jane has run into those things as well.]

Hah. Don't get bit. Yeah, funny.

[Ask the zombie with shattered teeth how well that's going, Jane. There should be at least one around here somewhere...]

I don't gotta worry 'bout gettin bit by these weirdos. I'm impenetrable!

[Said with all the smug satisfaction of somebody who knew exactly that one five syllable word and just wanted to make sure the world knew he could nail it. He's even jabbing his thumb at his chest, he's that proud.]

Really?

[Jane is staring at him in disbelief, but then she does see a zombie with broken teeth and no marks on him.]

That is incredible.

[ Well now! That's interesting...

Lots of people around here talk a big game, but when the chips are down and they're surrounded by zombies, all that goes out the window in a hurry. But for whatever reason--stupidity, resilience, whatever you want to call it--that doesn't seem to be the case for this guy.

Intrigued, Joker sends through a video of his own. ]

Congratulations, imPort! You've been selected to compete in this year's Zombie Smash-A-Thon!

Smash 'em all before the buzzer sounds, and you win an amazing prize! There are no rules, and anything goes. But better hurry--the clock's a-tickin'!

[See, regular zombies O'Hirn had some trouble buying. But game show zombies? THAT he could totally accept. Which...probably said a lot about him, none of it flattering, but still.

Plus if it was all a game show, it should be fine to do a little smashin right? They probably signed waivers or something. Or maybe they were just robots, like the ones that Fishbowl freak used all the time!]

A prize, huh? Better get to it, then!

[Yep, it's all the incentive-slash-convincing the big brute needs. And because this is definitely a game show and not some weird clown pulling a fast one on him, he spices it up a bit. Sure, a few zombies bite the big one a second time by getting their heads crushed like rotten fruit in his free hand, but he tosses a little variety in there.

Some of 'em get punched to the ground and crushed underfoot- and yes, his "costume" went so far as to give him big rhinoceros feet, very thorough- while others taken by the arm and violently thrashed around until they stop moving. Into other zombies, into the ground, into the underside of the bridge, wherever he could hit 'em. A few even get hurled like rag dolls into the nearest bit of concrete he can find, no matter how far away it might be.

All told, he's got the horde down to a whopping zero zeds left standing comfortably inside the two minute mark.]

[ In all his years of imprisonment and crime, Joker's only ever had occasion to see one real, live, honest-to-Barnum round of rat baiting, but it made a hell of an impression.

He hadn't expected it to be so intense, what with just being small mammals and all. He hadn't expected to feel each crunch, each thud, so viscerally, or for the raw display of physical power and violence to be so overwhelmingly satisfying to behold. He knew himself to be a violent man, of course, but he hadn't thought he was that sort of one.

But then the bodies had started flying, and it had been so beautiful, so absolutely and unapologetically horrific, that he'd been riveted by it. Even the artless way the little rat corpses were heaped about when the carnage was over had spoken to him, making his own killing sprees seem comparatively overwrought and overthought and overdone.

Watching the man on screen slaughter zombies feels the exact same way. The guy might look like a walking practical joke, but good Christ, the way he throws those bodies about! The way he crunches and smashes and thrashes them, and the absurd power and brutality behind each movement he makes... It's breathtaking, truly.

When the horde is obliterated, and there's nothing to see except one seemingly unharmed beast of a man amidst a pile of corpses, Joker lets out a low, approving whistle. ]

Fine work, imPort. Very fine!

[ He must get this man on his team. He absolutely must. ]

In fact, I'm getting word here--yes, it's just been confirmed--you've officially just beaten our all-time record. Smashed it to smithereens!

Kindly report to the De Chima park at once to claim your prize, you prize-winner, you. And be prepared for photos!

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[video] This zombie uprising brought to you by ignorance, bliss

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excuse me i just gotta

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i dont even know what this means but it makes me laugh so

Pfft. I love it.

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tomorrow's headlines: local imPort attacked for no reason by deranged mascot

RUDE, SO RUDE

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[ cw: violence against animals ]