one - fresh meat | video

[abduxel]

[The fellow on screen is a new face. There's a small waver in his voice if you listen closely, but only at first. He sounds almost American in an old-timey way, but has a faint accent impossible to identify. He appears to be a normal guy in his mid-20s, perhaps a little pale. He's well-dressed, sort of; he's wearing a full, all-black suit, but it looks a little over-worn. There's glamour magic hiding the two demon horns on his forehead, and so instead most people will just see two small bumps. He seems a little bit exasperated. His ID reads "Matthew Lin."]

So, [clears throat] seems I'm in Virginia. Not exactly according to plan, but then it never is, am I right? Doesn't seem to be the case for most of you guys, either. One hu - person - leaking from her face, just, water, all over the place. I asked why she was doing that, and if she would show me Snapchat, and the look she gave me nearly banished me on the spot. Really, give a guy a break, it was just a question. People's attitudes these days! Unbelievable.

In any case, if anyone a little more well adjusted would like to discuss some things, I've apparently got all the time in the world right now and I'm feeling a bit ... disoriented. I'm finding my normal communication wires have been cut, so to speak, which, by the way, I don't terribly appreciate. Also, the job I've been assigned! Who do I talk to if a job description conflicts with my, er, religious beliefs?

You won't believe the week I've had.

Anyway, what is this thing? [The video jostles around like in a 'found footage' movie. He's hitting the communicator lightly, which comes across as loud booms in the audio, and turning it every direction to look at it.] Is this an iPhone?

Comments

[halfcow]

[ he laughs ]

Who the fuck knows. Most people say we don't.

[abduxel]

[Abduxel is quiet for a moment because he's really, really curious whether this guy has a soul and what would happen to him when he died and if he'd go to Hell. He decides probably yes.]

Yeah, you're probably doomed then.

[halfcow]

Yup, I know. Gonna go to hell and everything.

[abduxel]

[He grins.] I'll see you there. Hear it's nice this time of year. Why'd they make you, anyway, good old fornication isn't cutting it?

[halfcow]

[ ryoki suddenly starts laughing ]

You're jokin' but that's exactly that, man. They can no longer give babies. Thy're all dried up.

[abduxel]

What, everybody or just your folks?

[halfcow]

I don't got no folks.

Humans fucked up nature with their science bullshit so badly, that they stopped being able to reproduce. I mean, there are some human brats still popping out here and then, but it ain't enough to maintain the population. There is only one city left in the whole fuckin' world. [ humans are dying off and they can't give birth to kids anymore. ]

So they started makin' us - Halves. We are half human, half animal.

[abduxel]

[Abduxel whistles. Matter-of-factly,] Hell's going to be full to bursting by the sounds of it. That sounds terrible, only one city left, so few people to know. I hope it's a large city or else things are going to get incestuous. [...Wait a second...] Nevermind, I guess you don't have that problem.

Half what animal? [He tries to peer over the bottom 'edge' of the video. Obviously, it doesn't work.] Is your lower half a horse?

[halfcow]

[ ryo laughs ] Yeah, man. There are as many Halves as there are humans, right now. They really fucked up.

[ ryoki rolls his eyes ] Nah. Still got a pretty human-looking body. Somethings are different tho.

Anyway, my mom's a cow. [ and he is not insult her. ]

[abduxel]

[Incredulously,] A cow? Why a cow?

[halfcow]

'Cuz it's an animal and can give birth? Hell, i don't know why a cow. or a lion. or a cat, or a wolf, or a deer.

Just random animals. As long they're mammals.

[abduxel]

Can you moo?

[halfcow]

yeah sure, wait for it-

[ he clears his throat, opens his mouth ]

"Moo". [ he really just says "moo", he doesn't sound anything like an animal, he only sounds like a dude saying "moo".

And yes, he is messing with him ]

Amazing, right?

[abduxel]

[Well, it makes Abduxel laugh, anyway.]

Yeah, damn amazing. Got any special cow powers, too?

[halfcow]

Hm-

wellp, I ruminate. [ that's actually anatomy. Not a power ] But I'm lot stronger and resilient than most Halves.