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[The camera opens up, displaying no one in view, only the corner of a couch. There is the distinct sounds of crunching. It sounds almost... thoughtful? Eventually, the camera is turned so it focuses on a young woman in a lab coat who appears to be staring into space and munching on something. She swallows and addresses the camera.]

Looks like I've arrived just in time. Valentine's Day, huh? Lots of frippery about love, romance, and other mushy things. And lots of anatomically inaccurate hearts.

Anyways, I'm Ema Skye. Apparently I'm supposed to be the host of some criminology show but there are more important things to talk about right now. Specifically: snacks for Valentine's Day. I know people like to give out those little cinnamon hearts and weird chalky things with cutesy writing on them. But scientifically speaking, besides being inaccurate, they're terrible. Not top snack tier at all. Chocolate seems to be a common choice, which is a good start. But why not go further?

Choose something with crunch. With a distinctive... pillowy shape. Something that can be savory or sweet, salty or tangy. I'm talking about the Snackoo. Which doesn't seem to exist here. Yet. Looks like whoever's going to invent it has until next Valentine's Day to work on it, at least.

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[ Well, this is different from all the other Valentine's Day posts, at least. ]

You know, until you said it didn't exist, I thought this was supposed to be an advertisement.

What has science got to do with food preference? [ There's a reason cooking is a science all by itself, but he has to admit that this particular thing is a new one. ]

Everything! Did you know that as we age we lose tastebuds? That's why a child might dislike something, but enjoy it when they grow up.

Not to mention how certain foods can trigger endorphin rushes. Even though spicy foods should logically be something the body wants to avoid, the endorphins make them desirable.

Well, that does make sense... [ He knows a lot more about how humans work emotionally than they do scientifically, really. But to be honest, it's never been something he's really interested in. He has enough firsthand experience with how bodies work to not really want to study it. ] Then again, I suppose it is just part of human biology, so I really should have expected it.

Losing tastebuds sounds a bit odd, though. Is there any particular reason for that? [ BOY HE PANICKED ABOUT HIS OPERATOR LOSING TEETH THE FIRST TIME not that anybody needs to know that. Ever. ]

They just stop regenerating. The only reason we have more when we're younger is that they act as a natural defense against eating poisonous things.

There are lots of things to process when we taste something and a lot of it has to do with neurochemicals. Everything comes back to science!

[Ema's enthusiasm is probably bleeding through the text.]

[ Well, she certainly seems enthusiastic. ]

The study of human biology is one of your chosen fields, I assume? [ He knows enough to state with confidence that you can't just major in 'science'. There is far too much science for that. ]

I have been noticing those hearts in stores lately... they look a little like antacids, to me.

What exactly are these Snackoos made of? Maybe you can make your own.

Monge~! That's a great idea, but why are we waiting until next year? We should invent them right now, zura!

[That's how things work, right? You can just make things on the spot?]

I can get the pillows if you can get everything else, zura!

Forensics, actually. But I like all science.

Ah, I see. You're passionate about all fields.
Though I suppose forensics could be considered at least somewhat related to biology, so perhaps I was a little bit correct.

By the way. Do you have an ingredient list for these snacks at all?

Unlike antacids, they'll probably give you heartburn instead.

Hm... Snackoos are made of flour, brown sugar, and yeast. But I don't know the ratios. I had a bag with me, but they didn't make it through the Porter, otherwise we could reverse engineer them.

[What... is she looking at right now? A bear? Cat? Dog???]

Ah..! They're just pillow shaped, not actually made of pillows!

[Not expecting anyone to be home, Alison is startled when she rounds the corner with her hands full of Valentines decorations and nearly drops everything.]

Jesus Murphy!

Flour, yeast, brown sugar. They can be rolled in different things, too. Part of the appeal is the variety.

[The shout surprises Ema into whipping around and instinctively throwing a snack (in this case, some potato chips) at the offending noise.]

Augh! ...Murphy who?!

[Pillow shaped? Well this is starting to sound like the weirdest thing ever.

Yes, it's definitely the snack and not the bearcatdog.]

Oh... that's too bad, I had a lot of pillows I could offer, zura... I-I guess I can't help after all, I'm not sure what else I could offer. I'm...I'm a bad inventor, zura!

I see. Such a simple recipe, but with variety...Well, if it's for the sake of science, I suppose I'll have to experiment. [ What do you mean he's been looking for something new to cook for a while...NOTHING TO DO WITH THAT... ] What's the most common flavour of these 'Snackoos'?

[Ema's still not quite over her shock.]

Do you even have hands? How are you using the comm?

Just the standard brown sugar. But with a yeasty undertone.

[Does she dare to hope...?]

[The intruder is throwing projectiles! Clearly the best plan of action is to actually drop everything and reach for the taser in her purse.]

Who are you and what are you doing here?!

[It's not really an overreaction if you take into account that Russians were abducting people not too long ago.]

E-Eh...no, I have paws, zura. S-See?

[And he holds one of his paws up, wiggling his third digit back and forth like one would a thumb. Despite their simple appearance, they're surprisingly dexterous.]

Is...is that why I'm a bad inventor, zura? Paws?

It may take me a while to get used to it, so you'll have to be patient. I don't bake very much, and there's no real recipe. Any more data you can give me about this food would be appreciated in the meantime, though.

[ This is his way of showing enthusiasm, really. ]

[This is not exactly the warm welcome she'd been expecting.]

I live here! Who are you?

I live here! I--

[And then it finally dawns on Alison that this is probably a new imPort assigned to live here and she's obviously just jumped to the wrong conclusion.]

... oh. I'm so sorry. You must be new.

I wish I had some here so we could reverse engineer it somehow. Thanks for trying, though.

Paws aren't generally good for uh, the smaller stuff. I'm sure you do fine, though.

[Is she comforting the catbeardog? Things have already gotten really weird.]

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