002 | VIDEO | JOINT WITH bestsword

[worstever]

[The camera opens on one of those armor guys that are all totally indistinguishable from one another. Wash is standing as straight as humanly possible, but the slight cough and fidget he does still make him look awkward. He’s recording on some nondescript street corner.]

Hi. I’m Agent Washington, a former covert ops marine back home, currently a member of RISE. As recent events have made clear, we may no longer be able to rely on peace. With the amount of imports without formal or informal experience with combat, I felt I should offer my services as an veteran. [Far more interesting than this dry, clearly rehearsed speech is the hotdog-shaped car going by in the background.] Pay would be negotiable, free for kids. [What’s that? The wienermobile is having trouble with that last turn? Something in the road, maybe? What’s that? The wienermobile is spinning out of control?] I have years of experience with hand-to-hand, small arms --

[WHAT’S THAT THE WIENERMOBILE HAS JUST COLLIDED WITH AGENT WASHINGTON AND HIS ATTEMPT TO DODGE WAS FUTILE? What are the chances?

The camera goes flying, cutting out right in the middle of an incredulous cry of “oh, you’ve GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING --”]

Oh fuck. [The camera gets picked up by someone else and focuses first on Wash laying on the ground, then the weinermobile smoking and finally stalled out a few feet away.] Ssssssssssssso basically, short version, wanna learn self defense, talk to Wash, he’ll figure out payment later.

[He looks over at where the weinermobile first lost control at the banana in the road. Then at Wash.] Walk it off, dude! You’ll be fine! Not like getting pounded by a footlong’s gonna kill you!

[Wash, on the ground, rasps:] No, but I’m going to kill you the second I’m up.

Comments

video;

[assays]

[ Peggy is unable to tear her eyes away as she watches the scene unfold in front of her, right up until the end. She looks shocked for a moment before she coughs to catch their attention.]

Are you certain that your friend is fine?

permavideo

[bestsword]

[It takes a minute to respond, he's jogging to get some distance between him and Wash in case the guy gets up in the next minute or two.]

Oh yeah, he's fine. This kinda thing used to happen all the time. Honestly? I'm kinda shocked it hadn't yet here.

[assays]

That doesn't exactly fill me a lot of faith. Your friend could have been seriously injured, or even worse, gotten killed.

[worstever]

[Faintly, in the background of Tucker's comment:] Are you replying to the post while I'm lying here?!

[assays]

Yes, he is. I'm terribly sorry, but I wanted to make sure that you were alright.

video;

[ursawhiner]

[Okay, so Dipper wants to know that Wash is okay. He was hit by a car! But more importantly:]

Was that a wienermobile?? Also, I guess we're making you a cake.

permavideo

[bestsword]

Hell yeah it was! Hadn't seen one since I was like four.

[Oh but Dipper.]

Don't reward this with cake.

[ursawhiner]

I didn't know they were still around.

The cake isn't a reward! It's like, "Sorry you were hit by a car!"

[worstever]

[Pained, in the distance:] My favorite is devil's food.

[ursawhiner]

How do you feel about funfetti?

[It doesn't matter; there's going to be funfetti no matter what.]

video

[glitterateur]

--is Wash okay!? [And now, for yelling:] WASH ARE YOU OKAY!?

permavideo

[bestsword]

Ow! Christ - He's fine! Happened to him before a lot, he's okay!

[glitterateur]

[That is not comforting]

Just 'cause it happens to him a lot doesn't mean he won't be hurt or something! I spray myself in the eyes with paint all the time and it still stings. Call him all the ambulances.

[worstever]

[Wash is torn. On one hand, Tucker is being a dick. On the other, he wants to be invincible in the Pines' estimation.]

Yes, I'm fine! Tell Tucker to give me my communicator back, and also to get an ambulance!

[It's sort of a mix of the two???]

[glitterateur]

[She has followed instructions. Well. "Followed."]

Wash how come you keep getting run over by cars? Also do you like funfetti frosting?

action

[bestsword]

[Okay eventually he does have to go check on Wash, so he closes out the post and goes to kneel by him.]

Well, gonna take a lot more than getting hit head on by a wiener on wheels to take you out. Lesgo.

[Hey at least he's offering a hand to help him up.]

[worstever]

[Wash, lying there contemplating existence, takes the proffered hand and pulls himself up with a groan, sagging his weight against Tucker. Yeah, he's not really mad at him.]

Oh, I don't think I'm capable of death anymore. I am, however, capable of breaking all of the bones in my body.

voice; network id: dr. h. gottlieb

[mathemagier]

Er.. Pardon me, but as you were saying..?

PERMAVOICE

[worstever]

[An hour or so later, presumably after receiving some kind of medical care?! He coughs once. It's not a good cough.]

I'm offering personal self-defense classes. Thankfully, only self-defense against humans, not traffic.

[hardcorduroy]

(whoa. wendy was kinda bored by this at first, but it sure picked up quick. her eyes widen slightly.) Uh... think I'll ask questions when we know you're alive, dude.

[worstever]

I'm fine, the damage was minimal. I should be able to answer questions.

[WHAT KIND OF UNDERWHELMING REACTION IS THAT]

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[fastballspeciaaaaal]

This is why giant food should be outlawed! Unless it is for eating.

...Also because the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man is up to something. But mostly because of this!

[worstever]

Right. Ghostbusters. I don't think we have to worry about that.

Giant food is fine, but it would be better if it couldn't go above 15 miles per hour. 25, tops.

voice;

[bestever]

Holy shit!

[a beat, before:]

I didn't think they still made weeniemobiles!

[worstever]

[In defeat:] They don't.