maskormenace | Video - Please raise your hand if you've ever felt personally victimized by Joker's shitty universe

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Video - Please raise your hand if you've ever felt personally victimized by Joker's shitty universe

[The most obvious thing, at least for those who know Joker, about this message from him is that he looks different. Not just tired-- though he does look tired-- but actually older by something like a good decade. There's obvious gray shooting through his beard and at his temples, but if there's any more it's hidden under his hat. A scar cuts across his cheek, shallow and faded, but when he turns his head a little it's clear that the bullet that caused it took a chunk out of his ear, too.]

Hey there, party people.

[His voice and tone sound pretty close to the same, though, so it can't be all bad, right? Right?]

So I've got one of those deep, philosophical-like questions for you: if a guy has a massive mental breakdown in the middle of the end of civilization as we know it, does anybody give a fuck?

[Or not. It could actually be all bad.]

Survey says! Probably not. I mean, I guess this whole universe hopping thing could be theoretically possible if my life was the kind of sci-fi B movie that didn't have a downer ending-- who writes this shit, am I right?-- but let's be real. The most likely explanation is that I'm totally out to lunch right now. I'm really more surprised that it took this fucking long, like, seriously, it's about time. And, hey, I fucking hate Florida and one of the few comforts in my life right now is that the Reapers blitzkrieged it off the fucking face of the Earth, but at least my crazy hallucinations have given me a beach that isn't on fire. Would've appreciated an open bar, but I'll take what I can get.

[Or really not. Like, super not, this is the complete opposite of good.]

Ooh, is this gonna be the part where I get visited by the Ghosts of Crewmates Past? Bit of a genre switch, but hey, I'm down, I'm kind of sick of sci-fi survival horror. It'll be like A Christmas Carol, except Scrooge is too late to save Christmas and Tiny Tim is already dead.

...Wait, does that make me Scrooge or Tim? Eh, whatever.

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... Going to take a huge shot in the dark and say, 'no, you're not all right'.

But hey. Plenty of open bars here. Need directions?

[Or someone to pick you up there dude you sound horrible and that's saying something.]

I've sure as fuck been worse. The scenery's better now, look, there isn't a corpse or cyborg zombie in sight. That's a hell of a lot nicer than the last time I was groundside.

[Everything about Joker's life has been horrible for the past decade, there's not enough alcohol in the universe to help with this.]

But, hey, I wouldn't turn down a drink. Point me to the nearest bar, big guy.

[beat]

I'm getting this weird deja-vu thing going on here. Do I know you?

[ Speaking of ghosts of Christmas past ... Shepard isn't sure what's going on, but he'd recognize that sarcasm anywhere. It's also hard to figure out exactly how to respond to that, so he settles for-- ]

At least your sense of humor's still in one piece.

[ More concerningly, though -- ]

You don't -- remember being here before?

Oh, hey, Shepard. What can I say, my sparkling wit is part of my charm. How would any of you recognize me without it?

[His sense of humor is... there, but it has gone to way darker places than Shepard's seen before. It's like what would happen if black humor knocked up gallows humor.]

I dunno, I get this weird deja-vu feeling, y'know? Like I've been here before? But that's probably just the crippling mental breakdown talking.

Hey it's early! We could still get corpses. Depending on how cranky the locals get.

[He's totally going to joke about this. A little. Because that's how he rolls. People come back with new memories all the time, so... this isn't anything new.]

Can do. Remember that one in the hotel we--

[Okay. That's. New. Unless Bull royally fucked up -- no pun intended -- the other night, that's new.]

... that's real funny. My sides are split. Har har.

I don't know. By kicking you and listening for the horrible snapping sound that comes after it?

[ Shepard's poker faces are never very effective because the stonier his expression gets, the more some awful realization is usually on the horizon, and this isn't any different. Shepard shakes his head. ]

This isn't a hallucination.

The hotel what?

[If Bull had been doing the wrong kind of fucking that night, he would've known it right away. Joker isn't exactly the type of guy to keep quiet about that sort of thing.]

That's great and all, but I'm not joking. Don't tell me my own fucking hallucination is going to try to gaslight me, that seems kind of like overkill.

Uh, yeah, this is totally a hallucination, because in the real world you're older than me.

[Oh, Shepard, there's a fucking doozy on the horizon here.]

So unless you started dyeing your hair and found a good plastic surgeon, I'm sticking to the hallucination hypothesis. And good luck finding a plastic surgeon in this economy, seriously.

Time doesn't work that way here.

[ He's not getting anywhere talking about this on the network, he decides, rather simply, so he's going to have to find another way to go about this whole thing. ]

Where are you?

What, in a linear fashion?

[Yeah, they're pretty much getting nowhere with this conversation.]

I'll tell you where I am if you pay for drinks.

Deal.

[ And if Joker's forgotten he can't get drunk ... or if this is a different version of him entirely ... they can find that out later. ]

[He sends his location over.]

Hope you've got deep pockets, Shepard.

[ That, at least, gets a ghost of a smile. ]

Don't worry, I think I've got it covered.

[ You know, even if he doesn't have the luxury of having a ship that can strip planets for resources at his disposal and all that.

In any case, wherever Joker's at, Shepard's arrival is heralded by the roar of his hoverbike's engine, something he's clearly been gunning to get there at top speed -- who knows how many red lights he ran to get here. He draws up to Joker, killing the engines, with a wariness that suggests he almost expects a violent reaction from his presence. ]

[When Shepard arrives, Joker's leaning against a wall, hands in his pockets. He looks, by all outward appearances, normal-- but there's something in the way he watches people that's a little too sharp, a little too alert. It's like he's waiting for the other shoe to drop and knows that it'll come when it comes, but he's not going to be blindsided by it.]

[The Reapers weren't always so courteous as to make their agents easy to spot. Sure, husks and the freaky amalgamation smashups were dangerous, but you saw them coming-- indoctrination couldn't always be spotted from a hundred yards away. And it only took one.]

[He watches as Shepard pulls up by the curb.]

So now I have to be subjected to your shitty driving, too? Haven't I suffered enough, Shepard?

Uh.

[Why does Joker never have normal Network posts, talking about cats or politics or parties? No, it's always 'dick parkinsons' or drunken shitposting, or... whatever fresh hell this is.]

Are you okay, Joker?

[He very obviously isn't- where the hell did that scar come from?- but hell if Jacob knows what he's supposed to say in a situation like this.]

Hey, batter up, Taylor.

[Joker is not okay, Jacob. Joker hasn't been okay for a really long time.]

I'm fine, even if I'm like ninety percent sure that I'm having a break with reality right now, but reality sucks so fuck it. How are you? I mean, I already know the answer, but I want to see how this whole Christmas Carol shit plays out. Lay it on me.

Joker?

[ On Kasumi's part, it's nice to know that you can come back from escaping from brainwashing at the hands of Russian overlords, take a personal trip for a few weeks, and still come back just in time for the next Fucked Up Thing to happen. There's never any winning with this place. ] L

Jesus. You look like you aged, like, fifteen years.

[ She knows there's something strange afoot. But coddling and "I'm here for yous" don't work for Joker, especially not coming from her, so she defaults to the usual sassy remark. ]

See, this is what you assholes do to me.

[There's more than something strange afoot-- there's something shitty afoot, and it starts with r and ends with eapers and involves everyone getting turned into cyborg zombies. The glamorous life of the guy that always survives.]

You all make me go gray and get me shot at. I didn't want to join the stupid facial scars club, now look at me. Shepard can't pour enough drinks into me to make up for ruining my stunning good looks for him.

[ There's a hollow laugh on her end, one of those laughs you give someone when there's truly nothing else to say. ]

Yeah, yeah. The real victim is your formerly flawless face. But--hey, some people are into facial scars, so I wouldn't get too upset over it.

[ She clears her throat, then, and her fingers trace the edge of her hood as she tilts her head anxiously. From what she can tell, people are being replaced by older or younger version of themselves--so, timeline shenanigans. Or something. Again. Not that there weren't enough shenanigans going on within the crew to begin with, but... ]

I'm going to go ahead and guess there's something weird going on with the timelines here... again. So let's make this easier--I'm from the past. Your past, I guess. That was probably obvious, although I'm also gonna go ahead and say that I probably still look this good in your future.

Y'know, you'd be surprised at how low that number's getting.

[Because mass extinction, yo. It's the end of the world as we know it, and Joker does not feel fine at all.]

[He could insist that he still thinks that he's just finally snapped and gone batshit crazy, but what's the point? Either he's right and there's nothing he can do about his lack of sanity, or he's not and he's still stuck in Wonderland. So it's... really just a moot point. No use fighting over it.]

[And Joker's gotten really tired of fighting battles that he can't win, anyway.]

[When she mentions herself and the future in the same sentence, Joker's mouth twists in something that could've been a smile if it didn't also look like it hurt a little. He'd always been told that time heals all wounds, and he'd learned that it's bullshit.]

You never get old, that's for sure.

You know the only thing I trust you to drive is the Normandy.

[ But just for Joker, he'll take it easy today -- maybe. The cagey look on his face doesn't escape Shepard's attention, though, and he jerks his head towards a parking spot nearby. ]

There's a bar about a block or two from here, if you don't mind walking.

I'm good. A lot has been happening, but I'm getting by. This is all real, by the way.

[He folds his arms in the inimitable Jacob Taylor way he has. After the shit that's been going on all over the Network, Jacob can put two and two together- some kind of time distortion. This Joker is probably from a version of the future. A lousy one, judging by... everything.]

You're safe here. I mean, there's a war on, but it's between humans. Not... other things.

[No Reapers or Collectors here, and thank God for that.]

[ Her lips draw into a thin line, her smile tempered by what she sees, given pause by the way his expression falls into something that definitely reads as pained to someone who's even a little observant like Kasumi is.

And his words, you never get old, carry through. It's not even difficult to parse the real meaning given what he's already said in his video; at length, she gives a shrug of her shoulder. ]

That so? Well. People don't tend to grow old in my line of work, anyway.

[ Kasumi might have in another universe, because she is The Best, but the Reapers apparently had something to say about it where they're from. Or where Joker is from. She's not entirely sure at this juncture just how different their timelines may be. ]

For what it's worth... I'm sorry, Joker.

Yeah, me too.

[Not that his apologies are worth anything. He can be as sorry as he likes, but Kasumi's still dead and his sorry isn't going to do shit. It wasn't even as though he was particularly close to her; sure, she was fine when she wasn't going through other people's stuff, he didn't dislike her or anything. But when she died it was another Normandy crew funeral, the really depressing kind without even a body, and Joker is rapidly running out of friends.]

...It probably doesn't matter, but...

[It doesn't matter, because he's probably talking to a figment of his imagination or something and this is just some new, weird way for his brain to fuck with him.]

If anybody asks you to go to Nasurn to find some salarian intel, just... don't go, okay? It's not worth it. It's really not worth it.

[Even if it's Shepard who's asking.]

[He shrugs.]

Beats your driving. Who gave you a license, anyway?

[He could drive more than just the Normandy and do better than Shepard-- hell, he could be blackout drunk and still drive better than Shepard. It's not hard, he'd just have to try not to drive up ninety degree surfaces.]

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Video - Please raise your hand if you've ever felt personally victimized by Joker's shitty universe

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video; RAISES HAND SLOWLY

video; everyone raises their hand. everyone. we are all victims here.

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video; dammit joker

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video; -> action!?

action

Video, first Ghost of Crewmates Past

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video; pretty much always a ghost anyway

video; ghost squared

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action

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action