Video - Please raise your hand if you've ever felt personally victimized by Joker's shitty universe

[boneitis]

[The most obvious thing, at least for those who know Joker, about this message from him is that he looks different. Not just tired-- though he does look tired-- but actually older by something like a good decade. There's obvious gray shooting through his beard and at his temples, but if there's any more it's hidden under his hat. A scar cuts across his cheek, shallow and faded, but when he turns his head a little it's clear that the bullet that caused it took a chunk out of his ear, too.]

Hey there, party people.

[His voice and tone sound pretty close to the same, though, so it can't be all bad, right? Right?]

So I've got one of those deep, philosophical-like questions for you: if a guy has a massive mental breakdown in the middle of the end of civilization as we know it, does anybody give a fuck?

[Or not. It could actually be all bad.]

Survey says! Probably not. I mean, I guess this whole universe hopping thing could be theoretically possible if my life was the kind of sci-fi B movie that didn't have a downer ending-- who writes this shit, am I right?-- but let's be real. The most likely explanation is that I'm totally out to lunch right now. I'm really more surprised that it took this fucking long, like, seriously, it's about time. And, hey, I fucking hate Florida and one of the few comforts in my life right now is that the Reapers blitzkrieged it off the fucking face of the Earth, but at least my crazy hallucinations have given me a beach that isn't on fire. Would've appreciated an open bar, but I'll take what I can get.

[Or really not. Like, super not, this is the complete opposite of good.]

Ooh, is this gonna be the part where I get visited by the Ghosts of Crewmates Past? Bit of a genre switch, but hey, I'm down, I'm kind of sick of sci-fi survival horror. It'll be like A Christmas Carol, except Scrooge is too late to save Christmas and Tiny Tim is already dead.

...Wait, does that make me Scrooge or Tim? Eh, whatever.

Comments

video;

[rideme]

... Going to take a huge shot in the dark and say, 'no, you're not all right'.

But hey. Plenty of open bars here. Need directions?

[Or someone to pick you up there dude you sound horrible and that's saying something.]

video;

[boneitis]

I've sure as fuck been worse. The scenery's better now, look, there isn't a corpse or cyborg zombie in sight. That's a hell of a lot nicer than the last time I was groundside.

[Everything about Joker's life has been horrible for the past decade, there's not enough alcohol in the universe to help with this.]

But, hey, I wouldn't turn down a drink. Point me to the nearest bar, big guy.

[beat]

I'm getting this weird deja-vu thing going on here. Do I know you?

video;

[rideme]

Hey it's early! We could still get corpses. Depending on how cranky the locals get.

[He's totally going to joke about this. A little. Because that's how he rolls. People come back with new memories all the time, so... this isn't anything new.]

Can do. Remember that one in the hotel we--

[Okay. That's. New. Unless Bull royally fucked up -- no pun intended -- the other night, that's new.]

... that's real funny. My sides are split. Har har.

video;

[boneitis]

The hotel what?

[If Bull had been doing the wrong kind of fucking that night, he would've known it right away. Joker isn't exactly the type of guy to keep quiet about that sort of thing.]

That's great and all, but I'm not joking. Don't tell me my own fucking hallucination is going to try to gaslight me, that seems kind of like overkill.

video; RAISES HAND SLOWLY

[sassguard]

[ Speaking of ghosts of Christmas past ... Shepard isn't sure what's going on, but he'd recognize that sarcasm anywhere. It's also hard to figure out exactly how to respond to that, so he settles for-- ]

At least your sense of humor's still in one piece.

[ More concerningly, though -- ]

You don't -- remember being here before?

video; everyone raises their hand. everyone. we are all victims here.

[boneitis]

Oh, hey, Shepard. What can I say, my sparkling wit is part of my charm. How would any of you recognize me without it?

[His sense of humor is... there, but it has gone to way darker places than Shepard's seen before. It's like what would happen if black humor knocked up gallows humor.]

I dunno, I get this weird deja-vu feeling, y'know? Like I've been here before? But that's probably just the crippling mental breakdown talking.

video; dammit joker

[sassguard]

I don't know. By kicking you and listening for the horrible snapping sound that comes after it?

[ Shepard's poker faces are never very effective because the stonier his expression gets, the more some awful realization is usually on the horizon, and this isn't any different. Shepard shakes his head. ]

This isn't a hallucination.

video;

[boneitis]

Uh, yeah, this is totally a hallucination, because in the real world you're older than me.

[Oh, Shepard, there's a fucking doozy on the horizon here.]

So unless you started dyeing your hair and found a good plastic surgeon, I'm sticking to the hallucination hypothesis. And good luck finding a plastic surgeon in this economy, seriously.

Video, first Ghost of Crewmates Past

[darkpants_warmfeeling]

Uh.

[Why does Joker never have normal Network posts, talking about cats or politics or parties? No, it's always 'dick parkinsons' or drunken shitposting, or... whatever fresh hell this is.]

Are you okay, Joker?

[He very obviously isn't- where the hell did that scar come from?- but hell if Jacob knows what he's supposed to say in a situation like this.]

[boneitis]

Hey, batter up, Taylor.

[Joker is not okay, Jacob. Joker hasn't been okay for a really long time.]

I'm fine, even if I'm like ninety percent sure that I'm having a break with reality right now, but reality sucks so fuck it. How are you? I mean, I already know the answer, but I want to see how this whole Christmas Carol shit plays out. Lay it on me.

[darkpants_warmfeeling]

I'm good. A lot has been happening, but I'm getting by. This is all real, by the way.

[He folds his arms in the inimitable Jacob Taylor way he has. After the shit that's been going on all over the Network, Jacob can put two and two together- some kind of time distortion. This Joker is probably from a version of the future. A lousy one, judging by... everything.]

You're safe here. I mean, there's a war on, but it's between humans. Not... other things.

[No Reapers or Collectors here, and thank God for that.]

[boneitis]

Oh, great, so we're down from fighting the horrible eldritch space monsters to fighting amongst ourselves. Less apocalyptic, but infinitely more stupid.

[Joker is getting really tired of wars, whether or not they involve reapers or collectors or what the fuck ever. Over a decade of a war of attrition will really put you off of the whole thing.]

And you're seriously trying to tell me that it's more likely that I've been sucked into some bullshit superhero alternate universe than that I've just checked out for a while? I mean, I had a pretty rough week. Shit was bound to happen eventually.

video; pretty much always a ghost anyway

[stealwithit]

Joker?

[ On Kasumi's part, it's nice to know that you can come back from escaping from brainwashing at the hands of Russian overlords, take a personal trip for a few weeks, and still come back just in time for the next Fucked Up Thing to happen. There's never any winning with this place. ] L

Jesus. You look like you aged, like, fifteen years.

[ She knows there's something strange afoot. But coddling and "I'm here for yous" don't work for Joker, especially not coming from her, so she defaults to the usual sassy remark. ]

video; ghost squared

[boneitis]

See, this is what you assholes do to me.

[There's more than something strange afoot-- there's something shitty afoot, and it starts with r and ends with eapers and involves everyone getting turned into cyborg zombies. The glamorous life of the guy that always survives.]

You all make me go gray and get me shot at. I didn't want to join the stupid facial scars club, now look at me. Shepard can't pour enough drinks into me to make up for ruining my stunning good looks for him.

video;

[stealwithit]

[ There's a hollow laugh on her end, one of those laughs you give someone when there's truly nothing else to say. ]

Yeah, yeah. The real victim is your formerly flawless face. But--hey, some people are into facial scars, so I wouldn't get too upset over it.

[ She clears her throat, then, and her fingers trace the edge of her hood as she tilts her head anxiously. From what she can tell, people are being replaced by older or younger version of themselves--so, timeline shenanigans. Or something. Again. Not that there weren't enough shenanigans going on within the crew to begin with, but... ]

I'm going to go ahead and guess there's something weird going on with the timelines here... again. So let's make this easier--I'm from the past. Your past, I guess. That was probably obvious, although I'm also gonna go ahead and say that I probably still look this good in your future.

video;

[boneitis]

Y'know, you'd be surprised at how low that number's getting.

[Because mass extinction, yo. It's the end of the world as we know it, and Joker does not feel fine at all.]

[He could insist that he still thinks that he's just finally snapped and gone batshit crazy, but what's the point? Either he's right and there's nothing he can do about his lack of sanity, or he's not and he's still stuck in Wonderland. So it's... really just a moot point. No use fighting over it.]

[And Joker's gotten really tired of fighting battles that he can't win, anyway.]

[When she mentions herself and the future in the same sentence, Joker's mouth twists in something that could've been a smile if it didn't also look like it hurt a little. He'd always been told that time heals all wounds, and he'd learned that it's bullshit.]

You never get old, that's for sure.

video;

[causational]

[He's wearing a slightly sheepish smile in his reply, and he lifts a hand to rub at the back of his neck.]

Unfortunately, if there's anything I've learned, it's that when the world is ending, a mental breakdown is the last thing the universe cares about.

[A beat, and then.]

I'm sorry, are you okay?

video;

[boneitis]

Yeah, well, nobody's got time for that shit, right?

[Hell, he doesn't even really have time for this shit. Technically, he's got a war to lose, which... isn't very good incentive to get back to it, actually. It kind of sucks. At least when he's here, things aren't on fire.]

I'm fine. This is practically a vacation for me, I've been here like ten minutes and nobody's been set on fire yet.

Video (still a ghost)

[kanadian]

Joker? What's --

When did you get so old?

Video (still a ghost)

[boneitis]

Uh, I think it's an ongoing process because time moves in a linear fashion.

[And now he remembers why he didn't miss Alenko. It's the judginess.]

So, you're the Ghost of Crewmate Judginess? Can I get a raincheck on this one?

Video

[kanadian]

[ Wow, he wasn't even pinchfacing. This is like barely judging. ]

No?

I'm not the ghost of anything Joker, I thought we've been through this. Look -- has Shepard filled you in yet? On everything?

Video

[boneitis]

Yeah, I talked to Shepard. It's not like that means anything, hallucinations don't just come out and admit that they're hallucinations.

[Joker sighs deeply. Why won't his hallucinations just give up and stop trying to convince him that they're real? Like it's more plausible that he got sucked into some alternate universe than that he's having a mental breakdown.]

So. You're more gravy than grave, Jacob Marley.

[VIDEO]; raises hand so hard it snaps off

[calibrating]

You're about six references over my head here, Joker.

[But you look like shit so he's going to take it easy on you.]

Buuuut I'm gonna have to bust your bubble here: we're not hallucinations, you're on Earth for real, and I'd really like to know what the hell happened to you.

[VIDEO]

[boneitis]

[Joker laughs, short and sharp, and it sounds like it's been punched out of him.]

For which part? Just in general, or how I joined the facial scars club? Worst club ever, by the way. I ruined my good looks for Shepard, and do I even get a thank you?

[Of course not. He got a 'dammit, Moreau, you weren't supposed to block the bullets with your face', which... okay, fair, he probably deserved.]

[calibrating]

As someone who's already a member of that club, I understand completely.

[But that's so not the point.]

I wanna know what happened in general.

[Because DAMN, DANIEL.]