voice;

[fuckai]

[The feed opens to the very disgruntled voice of a very angry person.]

So, hey, people of this shithole of a planet. Here's a question.

How many of you are sick and fucking tired of the Porter messing with you?

Show of hands, pie charts -- hell, I'll even give anyone extra points for pictures of flipping off a government building.

I mean, I knew about the whole "Oh, hey, I feel like being a dick and teleporting you out for a few months just for a goddamn laugh" but to throw in a new useless, annoying power as well?

[There's some muffled grumbling and swearing for the next few seconds as Church presumably re-situates himself.]

Good to see it's the same shitty, annoying Porter in the same shitty, annoying world.

[...............]




And uh.... does... anyone know how to get a leg unstuck from a wall?

Comments

[fuckai]

Oh, uh. Hey....... kid. [Church did you forget Ripley's name again what the fuck, man.]

You've been sworn in as a Blue and all that crap, right?

[fastballspeciaaaaal]

[Again? RUDE.]

I think so? Boose said I was a Blue!

Except... then you all kinda disappeared, and there was no Blues for a bit? But now you're back, so that's great!

[fuckai]

[He'll remember it eventually!!!!]

Right. Caboose said you were a Blue. Look, kid, I'm gonna make this nice and simple. Think of everything Caboose has ever said to you. Got it? Now take all of that and delete it.

[....]

Uh. Except the part about being a Blue. So just-- look, if you're a Blue, I'm your leader. And as your leader I am issuing an official command:

Go find me a crowbar.

[fastballspeciaaaaal]

But I thought Walla Walla was-- ["the leader". Except he's not around so. yeah that definitely means Church is in charge, right? Yeah, that sound right.] Nevermind!

Sir, yes sir! I can do that. I can totally do that. Crowbar, that's easy!






...where can I find a crowbar?

[fuckai]

Good. [Thank god there's at least one slightly competent person he--

...... ah.

Never mind.]

I don't fucking know. Steal it? [CHURCH THIS IS A CHILD]

[fastballspeciaaaaal]

Whaaat!? But I can't steal, Church! That's illegal! And also I don't know how, or where to steal one from. --But mostly the illegal thing!

[fuckai]

Then borrow one! Leave an IOU or something. Or hell, just go to a neighbor and be a kid, they'll probably just give you one!

[and this is why carolina ended up wanting to murder people to death]

[fastballspeciaaaaal]

Ooooookay.

What colour do you want? [RIPLEY...]

[fuckai]

Kid, that's the single stupidest question you've ever asked me. [However despite what he's saying, Church's tone is actually amused as all hell.]

Blue. I won't take anything other than blue.

[fastballspeciaaaaal]

Oh! Right, duh! Okay, I'll be back soon. I mean, back on the phone. Once I find the thingy.

About half an hour later

[fastballspeciaaaaal]

CHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURCH!

It was kinda hard to find, but look! [Accompanying photo.] It even kinda looks like Tucker's sword, cool right?

[fuckai]

[You know, he was about to give up hope on you, tiny Blue Team girl.]

Holy shit! You actually found one! [Church don't sound so genuinely surprised that's rude] Yeah. Yeah, it kind of does.

But uh. Might wanna steer clear, kid. There's an asshole who can use that as a weapon somewhere nearby.

[fastballspeciaaaaal]

--What? But I just found the thingy! Why did I find the thingy if you can't use the thingy?