maskormenace | Entry #004

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Entry #004 | Video

[ Here is Gansey, looking a little strange. He’s wearing a navy-blue sweater emblazoned with a raven – an Aglionby school sweater, over what appears to be ordinary clothes. His shoulders and hair are damp, like he’s been rained on, and he looks strangely pale. Despite that, he’s displaying a welcoming smile, and his hazel eyes are bright and vital with some emotion he’s holding back. ]

Apparently, I vanished yesterday.

I say apparently because it feels more like several weeks ago, but according to this – [ he holds up one of De Chima’s daily newspapers – a tabloid, headlined with speculation about the upcoming import elections ] – it’s only been a day.

A lot can happen in a day. Sometimes things that give you perspective.

Can I ask – the school year is almost over. Some of you will be graduating. I will. Which is odd, because I was here for eight months, and then I went home and it was Fall again, and Senior year was just beginning. I’m not completely sure what age I am now. I turned eighteen a couple of months ago.

[ Which, he actually never mentioned. It had seemed like there were more important things to be getting along with, and the thought of getting older in the wrong world had annoyed Gansey anyway. He’d kept quiet. Now, if he could do that over again, he thinks he’d celebrate it more – even though he’s only mentioning it now because it’s relevant to this. ]

Then I go home, and I’m seventeen again, so now I don’t even know what counts. Graduation will, though, I know that much.

So: to everyone else who’s graduating. Or even if you’re not, even if it’s just that you see change coming for you. What are your plans? Will you work, will you travel? What would you like to do, ideally? I think I’m ready for it to be summer again.

Private to: Billy Kaplan, Adam Parrish, Ronan Lynch, Noah Czerny, Matthew Lynch

[ This part goes to everyone’s private inboxes. Gansey’s smile is less presidential here, but his eyes are even sharper. He seems energized, like he’s on the edge of something. His voice is trying not to sound like it. ]

Hey, everyone. I very much hope I didn’t worry you. I think I was mid-conversation with you, Billy. I’ll have to blame my rudeness on the Porter.

Listen, I’m on my way home. Could someone bring the car and pick me up? I’m getting pizza from that Italian place near the porter in De Chima. I’m absolutely famished.

I’d…like to know if anyone else vanished, too. Ronan, Adam?

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[ No scratches on his face. No marks on his wrists where they’d had to tie him, no indication that Adam’s been through what the demon had done to him. It’s the same with Ronan. Gansey had known it would be the same.

But it’s so strange to see. He’d been with them such a short time ago. And he knows it was them who had saved him. Adam’s idea. It would have to have been. He’s the only one who would’ve been able to keep his head enough to do it. ]

I’m…

[ Alive. Whole, when I thought I wouldn’t be. Christ, how can he say that? Gansey is not a person who’d ever wanted to think about his future. Especially when it held so much pain. And this last week has held a lot of pain, so much more than he wants to put on Adam’s shoulders. ]

Yes. I’m fine, it’s all right. School’s as it ever was. Oh, I almost lost all sense of myself on Raven Day and Henry Cheng saved me. He’s been around quite a bit.

[ He takes a breath. ]

I’m glad to see you.

[ That is not a sentiment that Gansey hears very often. He looks at Billy, a little surprised by the sweetness of it. It makes his neck feel warm, which is strange. He finds somewhere else to put his eyes. ]

I am happy.

I think I am. This week has just been very…full. I spent so long wanting to go back, Billy. Like I was running out of time, and now I’m not. I don’t know what to do with that feeling.

[ He’d never been sure of what he would feel when the quest was over. Now, so much is different. It leaves him with no clear plan.

He had never expected to enjoy that feeling, but he does. ]

I wonder which side he’d have taken, had he lived to see it.

[ Gansey smiles. It’s almost like he’s thought of this before. ]

I can’t help thinking it might have been the French. I imagine he’d have sympathised.

Tell me something, Doctor. If that’s what you think of the past, what are your thoughts on the future?

You mean she’s gone already?

[ Gansey is sorry to hear it. He’d liked her. Or, at least, the insufferable ten year old version of him had liked her. ]

That’s crazy, though. And terrible for you and your sisters, but I’m glad that you’ve found each other. How fascinating that the porter would have lifted you all. Even if one didn’t stay.

I wouldn’t say exactly that I want to stay. More that I’m in less of a hurry to leave. Let’s say that there was a chapter I needed to finish, and now I have. It leaves the future with more of a question mark than before.

[ He’s a lot happier about that than he thought. Or, perhaps, it’s more accurate to say he’s relieved. ]

It’s not a bad thing. Makes me want to take this world slower, this time.

You say that as if it’s a bad thing!

I did. Christ, I was so homesick.

[ But part of that, certainly, had been the draw to find Glendower. He knows that. Would it have been the same if he’d been in the position he’s in now? Will he still feel that way? He really doesn’t know. His feelings are a scramble in general. ]

I think it’s normal to miss home. It doesn’t mean you can’t make the best of what you have, and I fully intend to.

A higher power. You’re talking about God?

[ Gansey’s capacity for faith extends to many things. Religion isn’t something he has a firm opinion on, though in theory he was raised Christian. He’s seen plenty of evidence for other faiths, though. He’d probably call himself agnostic. ]

[ What was it Henry said? ]

Overeducated young people pursuing excellence
Or something along those lines. Possibly not something we have in common now that I think about it

[ It's a strange mixture of homesickness and fear that flutters in her stomach when she's by herself in the night, thinking about how she could wake up back in her world. ]

... yeah! I want to see much of this world for my friends. Seeing the ocean is not enough anymore.

If it's keeping you from having sex, it is!

You find something new. You reassess your life. I mean there's a hundred of ways to figure it out.

[He looks over at Gansey, just a little.]

You love someone, or you don't, or you-

-or you learn how to be yourself again.

The future's just as wonderful as the past, [ the Doctor said with a small nod and grin of his own. ] It's the same level of inventive, the same level of creative, people are still wonderfully people.

[ His eyebrows lift a little more obviously when Gansey mentions Henry Cheng, but he makes little comment on it. His friend has always run a little wider in the Aglionby circles, and besides, Adam is too relieved right now to worry about whether or not he should be jealous. ]

I forgot Raven Day was coming.

[ It's been a while. He's forgetting more and more of where he's supposed to be in Henrietta, timeline wise. ] But that's good.

[ He has so many questions. He doesn't know where to start. ]

We were ushers.

[ On Raven Day, he means. He shifts a little, remembering it. It's a safe thing to remember. It had been at the start of all the trouble, before any of them had really known what was going on.

Before their lives had become a horror movie. Just before. ]

Do you know it was Noah's idea?

No, of course you don't, it surprised both of us. Well, it was, when he was alive. His sister was there. Gave a speech.

Strange thing.

She's gone, and not even for the first time. She and Sarah were both here long before the rest of us showed up.

That goes for you and your friends too. There's a lot of you guys here.

bich i excel in my field
& im takin the year too.
;(
good luck wit u shithead. write me abo dog anus when u get the time

[ Gansey is leaning against Billy's magic, trusting it entirely. His knees are partly drawn up, and he doesn't seem sure about what to do with his hands.

This is the most vulnerable he's felt since he's been back. The most vulnerable, because it's the first time he's let himself be vulnerable. Until now, everything has been about staying strong in front of Adam and Ronan, not letting them see the depth of what has happened to him. ]

I'm not sure I know how to be myself.

[ He recognizes himself that it sounds ridiculous, and dramatic. But he's been through something that most people would term a dramatic situation. He thinks it fits. ]

I spent seven years looking for Glendower, and seven years waiting to die again. And these last few months, I knew it was supposed to happen. Blue, she...saw my spirit, on St Mark's Eve. She told me. It meant I was destined to die within the year. I've been running from it, and then...

Waiting for it to happen, and not that it has, I don't know what the future holds anymore. And there's no more Glendower to look for. So what am I, Billy, now that all of it is done? I'm not sure I know.

There are. It's a very strange thing, I wonder about it all the time. Of all the people in Henrietta, it brings me and my friends. And Kavinsky.

[ Who is very clearly not a friend, okay Cosima? ]

No one from the rest of our town, so far as I know, but people from different worlds entirely. Often, people who know each other. How are we chosen, and why? I know there's a pattern to all of this. there has t be.

[ Gansey cannot help but smile. That seems a terribly indulgent thing to say. ]

I meant...

Do you see it as something fixed, or something fluid? Are there things that have to happen, or do you believe people can deviate from their path?

How are you 'taking the year' when you just said you've started a business? That's not how gap years work Joseph

[ The kind of fear that keeps you awake at night is something Gansey would understand more than most. ]

You should. Being here is an opportunity, I can see that now. We shouldn’t throw it away.

Ah, but talking is not the same as doing. I could be doing it every day and still not want to talk about it, believe me.

Huh. Congrats on finishing it up, then. I know that no time passes back home while we're here, but that doesn't make it any easier, for a lot of people. And there's a lot that this place has got to offer, when you're not itching to go back home.

[Mostly the people.]

It ended okay? [He's not asking what it is because he assumes Gansey's being vague for a reason, but hey, he has to make sure.]

Depends on the point. Pompeii? Fixed point. Time War? Fixed point. Other events, things like you picking a certain uni or whoever the next president is are more in flux.

Anything in particular on your mind?

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Entry #004 | Video

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