💣 001 | audio

[devoutish]

[There's the sound of fumbling and a little bit of unintelligible muttering before any real words are spoken - the communicator isn't hard to figure out, but it still takes some practice to get the hang of.]

-- this button here, and then-- oh, there we go. Have I got it? Hello.

[Alfie's voice is deep and rumbly, and very Cockney. He switches on the video next. It's zoomed in too close on him to give any real clues to his surroundings - there's just the back of a couch and a blank wall visible behind him - but his clothes are clearly old-fashioned.]

Fucking fantastic, these things. Looking at your little images on the screen, it's like you're really there. Yeah, wonderful picture quality. I'm very impressed. But I suppose I shouldn't be surprised, should I - bigger and bolder seems like something of a trend here. I discovered one of your supermarkets earlier this morning. Fucking hell, the size of that place. Entire aisles set aside for nothing but ketchup; for ice cream. Hats off to the future, eh?

[And since he's actually wearing a top hat, he goes ahead and tips it.

But despite his conversational tone, his eyes are deadly serious. He narrows them a little, as he peers closer at the screen. He seems calm and affable, sure - but if you look behind that front, it's clear that he is very much not happy with how his day is going.]

Right. How many people am I speaking to, right now? Is it just those who've been brought here like me, or do I also have the pleasure of the army's company?

[Because he would like to have words.]

Comments

[devoutish]

No, mate, I'm sure that's obvious to you.

You're a wanderer?

[thepalinpaladin]

Not by choice? I traveled to go to school to get my pilot's license but then stuff happened. And my daily life became traveling in a spacecastle while piloting a space lion and fighting purple furry aliens.

You're welcome to not believe it if you want.

[devoutish]

Is that what you think I'm gonna do?

[thepalinpaladin]

For some reason people always assume I EXAGGERATE my life all the time. I don't get it.

[devoutish]

You could be lying. It wouldn't mean much to me if you were. But this morning, I was pulled into the fucking future by a powerful machine. Not much is gonna sound unbelievable today.

[thepalinpaladin]

Thank you for being one of the like five people who realizes that. Everyone is always wow, that sounds fake.

And then I have to remind them look buddy you got transported to Fake Earth 2 and there are now 13 year olds with super powers running around. You saw them. They have soccer powers.

[devoutish]

It's just fucking irresponsible, bringing children here. Particularly if it's for their army.

[thepalinpaladin]

You can not do it but then you kinda lose out on benefits. I dunno how that goes for kids brought in, maybe I'll ask Keith's soccer kid.

I can tell you from that example though that they house kids with people who have no idea how to take care of kids.

[devoutish]

People have tried to have words with them about this, I'm sure.

[It just doesn't seem like the kind of thing that imPort society as a whole wouldn't protest.]

[thepalinpaladin]

I'm still pretty new here but I think so. I know there's like. ImPort ambassadors or whatever that are probably our main reps if you wanna talk to one of them about it. One is named Lucy? I can't remember the others. But maybe if you touch base with one of them you'll find more out.

[devoutish]

Nah, mate, I'm sure they've got it handled.

[Especially if one of them is a woman, say his 1920s sensibilities. Surely most women would be particularly concerned with making sure the children are cared for.]

[thepalinpaladin]

I can't really tell if that's sarcasm or not.

[devoutish]

Not. I don't need to set myself up as the city's child minder.

[thepalinpaladin]

On that we can agree cuz you seem like you'd be terrible at kids. A man who has never given a single piggyback ride or made a fart noise to make a three year old laugh.

[devoutish]

Now, that's a bold assumption, isn't it. We've been speaking for, what - just a few minutes.

[thepalinpaladin]

So you've made lots of fart noises at kids?

[devoutish]

I'm not so bad with children.

Yeah, but one I passed on the street yesterday hid behind his mum, because he thought my big hat was scary.

[thepalinpaladin]

The hat? Not the facial hair?

[devoutish]

It might have been that too, but I heard him mention the hat.