💣 001 | audio

[devoutish]

[There's the sound of fumbling and a little bit of unintelligible muttering before any real words are spoken - the communicator isn't hard to figure out, but it still takes some practice to get the hang of.]

-- this button here, and then-- oh, there we go. Have I got it? Hello.

[Alfie's voice is deep and rumbly, and very Cockney. He switches on the video next. It's zoomed in too close on him to give any real clues to his surroundings - there's just the back of a couch and a blank wall visible behind him - but his clothes are clearly old-fashioned.]

Fucking fantastic, these things. Looking at your little images on the screen, it's like you're really there. Yeah, wonderful picture quality. I'm very impressed. But I suppose I shouldn't be surprised, should I - bigger and bolder seems like something of a trend here. I discovered one of your supermarkets earlier this morning. Fucking hell, the size of that place. Entire aisles set aside for nothing but ketchup; for ice cream. Hats off to the future, eh?

[And since he's actually wearing a top hat, he goes ahead and tips it.

But despite his conversational tone, his eyes are deadly serious. He narrows them a little, as he peers closer at the screen. He seems calm and affable, sure - but if you look behind that front, it's clear that he is very much not happy with how his day is going.]

Right. How many people am I speaking to, right now? Is it just those who've been brought here like me, or do I also have the pleasure of the army's company?

[Because he would like to have words.]

Comments

video;

[wizzardly]

[chalk up another with a British accent, although not in any style of dress Alfie's likely to be familiar with, unless wizard hats and robes have come back in style in England.

(Although, on that note, Rincewind is quite impressed with Alfie's look. Excellent beard, sir. The hat's not half bad either.)]

It was the ice cream that really got me. Refrigeration. Honestly, it's a bloody marvel.

Microwaves too, can't forget those. You can have a hot potato in front of you in less than a minute.

video;

[devoutish]

We've got refrigeration in my time.

[Microwaves, though... definitely not.]

Microwave - is that the little box on the counter?

video;

[wizzardly]

Right. You use it to heat food. - Only don't put anything metal in there. [his tone makes it clear this is urgent, important advice.]

Basically, anything shiny is right out unless you want to burn the kitchen down.

video;

[devoutish]

[A little dryly:]

I'll post a note on the little door to remind myself.

What would the government do if I burned down the house?

[wizzardly]

I assume nothing good. In any case, not an experiment I recommend trying out. But then I generally advocate against earning the attention and anger of people wielding big sticks, metaphorical or otherwise.

Better to keep to warming potatoes.

[devoutish]

You mean to say no angry imPort has tried it? Have there been any rebellions? Surely there have.

[wizzardly]

Not a one, so long as I've been here. Mind you, that's been... erm... six months. Minus a week. Ish.

Granted, the first month we were all slightly more preoccupied with a literal foreign invasion that tried to brainwash all of us. Or at least it took my attention.

[devoutish]

The Russians?

[wizzardly]

Look at you, ahead of the game already.

In any case, I think even the angriest of us have realized it wouldn't exactly go well. I mean - [he waves a hand] - all right, supposing it all works out. They don't shut down the nanites on us, taking our abilities, and they don't shoot us with those terrible guns and things they've literal piles of. We get control of the base and the Porter, and somehow don't incite the rest of this whole bloody world against us in the process.

...Then what? Even they don't seem able to make their damn machine do what they want. Half of us wouldn't still be here if they could, or at least they wouldn't have to keep trying to butter us up with free housing and things. So what would waging war really even accomplish, except muck up a perfectly fine world that didn't want us here in the first place?

[devoutish]

[It is a sensible answer. Well thought-out, nonreactive. It gets a very small nod.

If they ever try to take the base, they'll have to figure out the then what first.]

I still can't help but notice how many people here seem to have settled in.

[wizzardly]

We're a remarkably adaptable lot. [wryly.]

[devoutish]

And you?

[wizzardly]

You know that whole bit about square pegs in round holes?

I've been shoved through so many I don't think I even have a shape anymore. It's amazing what you can learn to live with as long as it means you get to keep living.

[devoutish]

Mm.

[Alfie hasn't had a cushy life, but it hasn't been nearly that difficult either. Still, he does consider himself adaptable - he just hopes this place won't prove him wrong there.]

Well, speaking as a man who's got a shape, and who intends to keep it - I'll adapt, but I won't settle. Yeah? Compromise.

[wizzardly]

Sounds wonderful. If you end up learning how other people can manage that while still maintaining all their limbs, maybe write a book or something.

[devoutish]

I hope you don't mean to imply I'd be the first one.

[wizzardly]

Oh, I'm sure other people can manage it fine. It's just how you do that without being a very good fighter or having very many weapons is what I don't understand. I'm afraid I'm severely lacking in both departments.