text ➺ misfire

[douchebag]

[ There is a picture attached to this message. It's of this cat, wearing a Santa hat, a wreath around its neck, and an ugly red sweater with a big green Christmas tree on it. The cat does not look thrilled by the fashion statement it's making. Below is the following message: ]

Bet you thought I was kidding when I said I was getting Christmas decorations, didn't you?

Comments

text;

[resoundingpledge]

!!!

Are you two getting along better now?

[douchebag]

He didn't scratch my face off when I put the sweater on him! That's probably improvement.

[resoundingpledge]

Did you think that he would?

[douchebag]

Yeah, there was a good, I don't know, 95% chance. Had the valium on had and everything. Didn't even need to use it.

[beneathbluerafters]

what in heaven did the poor creature do to deserve that??

[douchebag]

Excuse you. He's celebrating Christmas.

[beneathbluerafters]

it looks rather more like he's enduring it.

[douchebag]

It's his first Christmas. He'll get used to it.

[classification]

[ Why. ]

No, I hadn't thought that. Why did you decorate the cat?

[douchebag]

Why not? I decorated the rest of the house. Seemed like a douche move to ignore him. Especially after I got stuff for us.

[ Enjoy that offensive Christmas sombrero! ]

[classification]

[ HE DOES NOT ENJOY THAT!! ]

He's an animal. They don't decorate.

[douchebag]

[ Learn to love the sombrero. ]

Don't be a grinch.

I got him one of those dog leashes made out of sleigh bells too. He can spread Christmas cheer when we take him for walks now. Do you think I should put a few ornaments on his sweater?

[classification]

[ IT'S OFFENSIVE!!! ]

No. Do not. They'd break and I don't feel like cleaning that up. Or him when it inevitably embeds itself into him.

1/2

[douchebag]

[ He just wants to celebrate Locus' heritage! ]

Fine. No ornaments.

[douchebag]

How about glitter? That's probably better anyway.

[classification]

[ CELEBRATE IT A DIFFERENT WAY!! ]

No. No glitter. Don't even think about it.

[douchebag]

[ Uh oh... ]

Out of curiosity, where do you keep the vacuum?

1/?

[classification]

[ Though he's been trying to tap into other emotions, it's been a little hard. Especially in moments like these where he can feel his blood pressure spike and all he wants to do is not nice things. ]

[classification]

[ Things like get Really Mad. ]

[classification]

[ In fact, there's going to be a few broken pens in the office at the restaurant. It's kind of a mess and he has to clean that up. Probably replace his clothes. ]

[classification]

[ But okay. It's fine. It's cool.

He's not mad. ]

[classification]

[ ( He's mad. ) ]

d.

[classification]

How much of a mess have you made?

1/7

[douchebag]

Me?

[douchebag]

Why do you always assume it's my fault??