maskormenace | text - absence makes the heart grow until it explodes

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text - absence makes the heart grow until it explodes

YO. I KNOW THERE'S ONE THING A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T REALLY WANT TO ACKNOWLEDGE BECAUSE WE ALL GET IT: HOMESICKNESS. I KNOW EVERYONE IS MISSING THEIR HOME AND THEIR FRIENDS. I'D BE SURPRISED IF THERE'S PEOPLE HERE WHO AREN'T. NOT TO SAY IF YOU AREN'T THAT YOU'RE A WEIRDO, OF COURSE, I SUPPOSE YOU'RE JUST A BIT LUCKIER. NOW, I'M NOT GONNA ASK YOU TO TELL ME ABOUT THE PEOPLE YOU MISS OR THE PLACES YOU MISS. THAT WON'T HELP, IT'LL PROBABLY JUST MAKE YOU FEEL EVEN WORSE. I AIN'T EVEN GONNA GIVE A BIG SPEECH ABOUT HOW WE'RE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER AND WE GOTTA TAKE CARE OF EACH OTHER, BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW THAT CRAP AIN'T GONNA HOLD UP. BACK HOME I HAD A LARGE TEAM OF PEOPLE WHO VARIED IN AGES. A LOT OF THEM GOT HOMESICK AND WHEN IT OVERWHELMED THEM THEY WENT ON A DOWNWARD SPIRAL. THING IS, IT'S REAL EASY TO LET IT OVERWHELM YOU. MAKE A LIST OF EVERYTHING YOU MISS. EVEN IF IT'S SOMETHING YOU THINK IS SILLY, LIKE THE TREE THAT WAS NEAR WHERE YOU LIVED, OR A CAFE THAT DID THE BEST VERSION OF A FLAT WHITE COFFEE YOU'VE EVER TASTED. ANYTHING YOU CAN THINK OF. EVEN IF YOU'RE NOT FROM EARTH. I GUARANTEE YOU THERE WILL BE SOMETHING HERE THAT IS SIMILAR ENOUGH IT'LL BE LIKE BEING AT HOME. EVEN IF IT'S JUST A GIANT ROCK THAT'S THE SAME SHAPE. NOT TO MENTION GETTING OUT AND GETTING FRESH AIR ALWAYS HELPS. DO STUFF YOU DID AT HOME. DON'T GET WRAPPED UP IN THE FACT THAT IT'S NOT THE SAME. YOU HAVE TO ADAPT TO HELP YOURSELF, THAT'S LIFE. BUT THAT THE SAME TIME... DON'T SINK INTO IT. DON'T THINK OF NOTHING BUT WHAT YOU MISS. IGNORING IT WON'T WORK, BUT NEITHER WILL DIVING INTO IT. FIND A BALANCE. DON'T LET IT OVERWHELM YOU.

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[squints. it seems like what he is describing is obsession, yet...]

MAYBE IT WOULD BE BEST TO NOT FOLLOW THE SUGGESTION, THEN. DISTANCE YOURSELF INSTEAD.

[Brendan is obsessive the way water is wet. It's less a character flaw and more a constant malfunction these days.]

i tried that back home. almost worked.
then she died and i was fixed to let her go, but i can't.

[Admittedly, it hasn't been a full month since it happened, so that's part of it.]

SHIT, BRO. I'M SORRY. HAVE YOU WORKED THROUGH SOMETHING LIKE THIS BEFORE? I'M SURE YOU COULD BE PROVIDED WITH SOMEONE TO TALK TO BY THE GOVERNMENT.

[That's the first time someone's said that to him. It gives him pause. But turn as the tables may, he'll never spill his heart out to a shrink.]

no, i haven't
i don't think that'd help
and didn't you just say not to think about her anyway?

I DID, YEAH. IGNORE IT. I WAS WRONG. I DIDN'T KNOW WHO YOU MENTIONED HAD PASSED AWAY.

so what do people normally do in this situation
that doesn't involve a comfy couch and a two-bit shrink, i mean
not taking that option
ever

USUALLY WITH GRIEF YOU HAVE TO COME TO TERMS WITH WHAT HAPPENED. EASIER SAID THAN DONE, THOUGH. ESPECIALLY IF IT'S RECENT. FOR NOW ALL THE ONLY ADVICE I CAN REALLY GIVE IS TO MAKE SURE YOU TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. DON'T LET IT GET YOU TO THE POINT WHERE YOU STOP SELF-CARE.

is three weeks and two days recent?

[That is not sarcasm. He has no idea how to grieve, how long it's supposed to feel this awful, it's all uncharted territory.]

i can take care of myself, i guess
been doing it this long, after all

YOU CAN'T REALLY PUT A TIMESTAMP ON GRIEF BUT YEAH, THAT'S RECENT. SOMETIMES PEOPLE NEED YEARS TO COME TO TERMS WITH THINGS. IT'S GONNA BE HARD BUT DON'T STOP. YOU GOTTA KEEP GOING.

it feels like it was yesterday
i'll keep going. i always do
mostly because i don't see what other options there are
life keeps speeding up and i manage to keep pace with it

[Brendan Frye: certified ray of sunshine.]

IT WILL FOR A LONG TIME. PEOPLE PASSING AIN'T REALLY SOMETHING THAT'S TO BE TAKEN LIGHTLY. IT'S GOOD THAT YOU FEEL YOU CAN KEEP PACE. FALLING BEHIND AFTER LOSING SOMEONE LIKE THAT IS THE WORST FEELING IMAGINABLE. WHAT ARE YOUR PLANS?

well i got here yesterday so
right now my plan is to figure out a plan
maybe do the hero thing. gotta be some reason i wasn't the one who got shot

[Or so he hopes. It's entirely possible the reason is just wrong place wrong time and actually he'll be shit at being a hero, but he's not seeing a lot of other options available so far that come out on the right side of a cost-benefit-analysis.]

ARE YOU GONNA STICK WITH THE GOVT HOUSING AND JOB OR FIND YOUR OWN WAY?

i don't know
no decision looks particularly good right now either way

TAKE THE HOUSING. HAVING A PLACE TO SLEEP IS BETTER THAN NOTHING.

makes sense. is that what you did?

IT IS WHEN I FINALLY PULLED MY HEAD OUT OF MY ASS. I HAD A REAL DOWNWARD SPIRAL AND ENDED UP PASSED OUT ON A BENCH A COUPLE NIGHTS. IT DID NOTHING FOR ANYONE EXCEPT FUCK UP MY OWN HEALTH AND GET IN THE WAY OF PEOPLE.

okay, so. how do i avoid the downward spiral
zero desire to end up on a bench
no offense meant

NONE TAKEN. I WOULDN'T WANT YOU TO END UP LIKE THAT. AS I SAID, START SMALL. MAKE SURE YOU HAVE A PLACE TO SLEEP AND FOOD. THEN BUILD UP FROM THERE.

not sure what to build up past that honestly
everything i was building up back home was centered around one person. what do i center it around without her?

[What is there to life, without the only person who ever really gave a damn about him in it?]

WHEN I LOST EVERYTHING I'D BUILT MY LIFE AROUND, I FIGURED I HAD TO CONCENTRATE ON MYSELF INSTEAD. IT SOUNDS SELFISH, BUT IT WAS NECESSARY. YOU HAVE TO FOCUS ON YOURSELF. JUST KEEP GOING THROUGH THE MOTIONS UNTIL YOU CAN FIGURE OUT WHAT TO DO.

i used to do that. go through the motions, i mean.
it's exhausting. i can do it but i don't want it.
sounds stupid but i just want her back.

[Wait until he hears it's possible for people to pop up post-death here, then he'll really be a wreck.]

[fortunately, even if archie was aware of that fact, he wouldn't mention it.]

IT'S NOT STUPID. NOT AT ALL. I'D PROBABLY SAW MY OWN GODDAMN ARM OFF IF IT WOULD BRING THE PEOPLE I WANTED TO SEE HERE. JUST REMEMBER IT'S A REALLY RECENT OCCURANCE. YOU DON'T OWE IT TO ANYONE TO "GET OVER IT" OR ANYTHING. TAKE IT AT YOUR OWN PACE. ALL I CAN REALLY SAY IS MAKE SURE THE GRIEF DOESN'T OVERWHELM YOU. THIS IS GOING TO SOUND WEIRD, BUT I HAVE A GIANT DOG YOU CAN PET IF IT WOULD HELP.

i don't know where you are or how to get around here just yet but that might actually work. i like dogs; never had one, but still

I'M AT A HEROPA DOG PARK. HOLD UP.

[beep boop here's a Not Google Maps link.]

IT'S RIGHT OUTSIDE A BUS STOP.

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