video;

[shutterbugged]

Hey, Network. I didn’t mean to go so long without posting, but it’s been, uh, a while--

[ --since shortly before he was unmasked on the network by Tony Stark’s evil alternate universe counterpart, actually. THANKS FOR THAT, BUDDY.

In deference to the new status quo, Peter is wearing one of his usual button-downs with the sleeves rolled up, but with the collar unbuttoned enough that the red of his costume peeks through. Baby steps! ]

If we haven’t met, I’m Peter Parker, also known as [ cough ] Spider-Man, and I’ve been here for a few years now, so if you’re new and have questions about how to manage this whole kidnapped-to-another-universe thing, I can try to field them. Not that you can’t ask if you’re not new, but anyway.

I've got two announcements to make--sort of a good news, bad news kind of thing.

[ Clasping his hands together: ] First, the good news! As some of you saw on a recent Majority Report, I'm going to be working with Kanaya Maryam, Norman Osborn, and Revan on our new venture to provide costumes and equipment to the superheroic masses. I'm really excited to be working with the team, and I want to thank Kanaya and Normie for bringing me on. Details at the link below, etcetera, etcetera.

[ There's an attached link which will take the curious onlooker or potential client to the project's website. ]

For the record, I'm signing on as one of the tech-heads. My job is to do everything in my power to help you use your powers most effectively and then get home safely. I've been advised in the strongest possible terms that I'm not allowed to give fashion advice under the auspices of the company--[ He may be slightly grumpy about this. His costume's a classic, Kanaya!!! ]--so for that you'll have to ask Kanaya.

[ Beat. ]

Onto the bad news. Some of you may have already met a new arrival ported in from my universe, name of Otto Octavius. Or you may have seen him around--he’s the guy with the four extra, metal tentacle-arms. Now, Otto likes to pass himself off as a quiet, gentlemanly type of discerning taste and modest scientific ambition. Problem is that by “modest scientific ambition,” he means “repeatedly trying to take over and/or nuke New York City.”

Doctor Octopus’ list of crimes include murder, attempted murder, attempted mass murder, kidnapping, child endangerment, theft, mental possession and impersonation, political destabilization… crimes against fashion… probably jaywalking, while we’re on the subject.

Short version: on a scale of evil from 1-10, where 1 is your neighbor who won’t clean up their dog poop, and 10 is Norman Osborn Sr... No relation to--well, technically relation to Norman Osborn Jr, but not, you know, in spirit... Doc Ock is bad news. And I’m not just saying that because he’s been trying to kill me since I was fifteen years old.

I get this is a “he said, he said” situation and you’ve got nothing to go on here but my word. I hope that after six years as an imPort in good standing that that counts for something at least, but maybe not. Maybe you don’t believe me, or maybe you want to think he’s turning over a new leaf in a new universe.

Just, even if you do decide to give Otto a chance...if you come into an inheritance of a nuclear power plant and he proposes, turn him down, okay? Best for everyone involved, trust me.

Comments

[trouvaille]

( blah blah blah superhero stuff she doesn't care about, some guy she's never heard of; ANYWAY: )

Could you do some sort of backpack that's completely water-proof and vacuum seals?

[shutterbugged]

In a word: yes. In slightly more than a word, yes, but exactly how I do that would depend on what exactly you want to do with the bag. Beyond, you know, somewhere with water.

Voice

[liverletdie]

You know... You never gave him an actual number on that scale.

Not that I don't agree -- he is dangerous.

[shutterbugged]

Please, like I'd feed his ego that way. [ He got distracted. ]

Should I have emphasized the nuke fixation part a little more, d'you think?

[Video]

[cadbane]

So you're good with technical equipment?

[shutterbugged]

Not to toot my own horn, but I know my way around a circuit board. What can I help you with?

Voice;

[doctopussy]

Now, Parker, it's incredibly crude to accuse me of crimes I allegedly committed in my future. [ There's a sound like he just took a sip of tea. ] If I commit them at all. [ This isn't him being redundant; the emphasis on "I" is very purposeful. ]

Beyond such crass condemnation, I take offense to your final implication -- I would have been an extremely lucky man to marry your aunt regardless of circumstance.

voice;

[shutterbugged]

[ Peter turns off his comm so he can let loose the INDIGNANT SQUAWKING SOUND that accusation deserves in dignified privacy, then replies: ]

First of all, if we're talking crudeness, there was a time a few years ago when I'd have said you were the last opponent of mine who'd be crude enough to attack me the way you did. [ Beat. ] Will do. Might will do. So sorry-not-sorry for not giving you the benefit of the doubt that you might not come up with another plot to use someone as a meat-puppet while sipping your chianti, or whatever it is you're doing over there.

Secondly, hell yes you would have been. She's worth a million of you. At least.

[ He almost adds how unlucky May would have been in that scenario, but that seems a little mean. Even for his probable future body-napper. ]

audio

[devoutish]

What does a spider man do? Do you turn into a spider?

[Here for the important questions.]

audio;

[shutterbugged]

I prefer not to. Ichor's rough on the dry cleaning budget, you know? Stuff gets everywhere.

[ He speaks from experience. Comics, everybody! ]

video;

[pottering]

[Someone trying to kill you since you were fifteen? Not at all relatable. Not one bit.

Also, unless he misses his guess, this is Spiderman. Harry's been carrying a boatload of denial on his shoulders about being fictional in another universe, but if this is Spiderman (who is a story in his universe, Dudley's got loads of the comics moldering away at the house), then maybe his life really is a story to some other people.

So. Hi. He has some questions. The picture is focused on messy black hair, the top rim of glasses, and a close-up of a lightning-shaped scar, before Harry realizes it's too zoomed in and sits back.]

I haven't run into Doctor Octopus yet, but I have got, er, some questions. I've only been here a few days and I'm not really sure, um, why. I'm sort of busy back home. [Lies, he's sort of wound up at home, walking for miles even during the heatwave and wondering if anyone's ever going to tell him what's going on now that Voldemort's back.] ...or I'm meant to be. I think there's a lot going on and I ought to be there.

video;

[shutterbugged]

[ Wait a minute, is that--? Play it cool, Parker. You didn't grow up reading about this guy's life with a flashlight under the covers after bedtime, no sirree.

(Peter would not be happy to learn that Dudley is a Spider-Man fan. Ugh.) ]

We still don't have a good answer for "why," honestly. Some universes seem to get raided for imPorts way more often than others, but as far as I know there isn't a consistent pattern beyond that trend. I think there's a guy--well, a robot--named Skeets who's doing some research on it? You could ask him.

Good news for you, though: you could be here for days or you could be here for years, but either way, you get sent home to the very moment you left, without any memories of being here. From your perspective it'll be like it never happened at all.

[ From Peter's expression this is more mixed news than good, but he's trying to put a good face on things for the newbie! ]

video!

[eatsnutsandkicksbutts]

What.

WHAT.

WHAT.

[ THIS IS A LOT TO TAKE IN AT ONCE, OKAY. ]

You-- you're the cosplay guy! From the... ohhhhh jeez you weren't in cosplay at all it totally makes sense now.

[shutterbugged]

You thought I was--that explains a lot, actually.

[ Beat. ]

If I were cosplaying I'd do a way better job than throwing a shirt on under my shirt and calling it a day!

[ Lies, that's totally what Peter would do if he were a cosplayer. ]

[notyourfathersosborn]

I put the "H" in my business cards, but now I'm wondering if I should start saying it whenever I give my full name. I prefer "Norman H. Osborn" to "Norman Osborn Jr," anyway.

[He's just thinking out loud. He knows Peter has no way of knowing this.]

Also, that was a weirdly specific example you gave there, Pete. About power plants.

[shutterbugged]

I realize it scans better, but counterpoint: it's not like anyone remembers what your dear old gramps' middle initial was, anyway.

Oh, have you never heard the story of how Aunt May almost became Mrs. Octopus?

video;

[ofgoldenfoil]

[ Aurican has nothing to say about Doctor Octupus because, really, that's nothing that Aurican feels compelled to be worried about. But something did caught his eye. ]

For costumes - is it possible to have an outfit that can change shape along with its owner?

video;

[shutterbugged]

[ Peter peers at the username. He doesn't recognize the face, but the name seems vaguely familiar... ]

What kind of shapechanging, exactly? Are we talking about one distinct shape to another, or total mutability? Change of mass, or just of physical form? For that matter, do you stay in the same...well, state of matter? Gaseous transformation could be a challenge, but it'd be an interesting one.

[songwrite]

[Okay first of all, Spider-Man. (Spider-Man!!!!!)

Second of all, providing costumes! Exactly what he needs!! Not that he's not still exactly as poor as he has been for the last two weeks while trying to figure out what to do for a superhero outfit.....]

So like, generally speaking, how bad would a costume break the bank?

[shutterbugged]

[ It's not quite a !!!!!, but Peter definitely does a double-take at Archie's name. Archie Andrews with superpowers; what a thought. ]

I can't give you a fixed number, because it really depends on what you need your costume to do for you. A bit of bulletproofing is a whole different kettle of fish from, say, a costume that doesn't burn off when you use your combustion powers to fly, just to use a totally random example from my experience.

Our priority is to help you stay safe, and we do have payment plans and sliding scale, but I'm not really the finances guy. Let me get Kanaya for you.

[ He's worried he's about to stick his foot in his mouth, tbh. ]

[ Video ]

[ghoulking]

I thought we were over the whole "announcing the world how bad this person is".

So, what now? Are we supposed to arrest him for two months? [ because let's be honest here. Even if the man did anything, that'd would be his only punishment anyway ]

[shutterbugged]

I know, I know, it's a network cliche. I might as well have started by asking how my comm had turned on and who all you people were--but some things are classic for a reason, you know. He's too dangerous to take the risk of not warning people, especially when he already gave me the announcement that he's got something up his sleeves. Probably all six of 'em. And the pant legs.

voice

[siriusly]

Wow...I was just wondering what tech-types were still here. Was going to ask and everything. [huh.

beat.]

That's a pretty ambitious project. But if Kanaya's involved, it's going to look good at the least...

I, ah. May have a request, if that hard work extends to ImPorts that...that don't wear a fancy cape when they help out.

sorry for the delay!

[shutterbugged]

We tech-type imPorts are like cockroaches, we're around pretty much everywhere you look.

[ Peter would say they're disproportionately represented, but...well, he's from the Marvel universe. They're pretty thick on the ground there too. ]

And it's always good to meet another friend of Kanaya's. To answer your question, absolutely--fancy capes, bright colors, and weird faceless balaclavas entirely optional.

[Voice]

[hellrisen02]

Aha! So you are here.

[Duo should probably stop cold-opening people, but his brain-to-mouth attention span is too short for that, even now.] --Um, longshot, but 'Shinigami' ring a bell? Robots? Better jokes than you? Well, I don't got the braid no more, so that ringer 's out...

[There's a pause as he counts- 6 years, it was what, AD 2017? Then a quiet snort. Maybe it'd been too much to hope. So instead, sarcastically,] "Modest scientific ambition". I've seen how this one ends.

[shutterbugged]

Uh...yes. Yes I am?

[ He sounds friendly, but that kind of out-of-nowhere declaration never works out for Peter. ]

And to answer your questions: not in the slightest, what kind? and in your dreams, buddy.

But hey, at least there's one other person here who understands supervillain innuendo when he hears it, so there's that.

Video

[darkpants_warmfeeling]

Thanks for the tip about Octavius, Peter. I'll keep an eye out for him.

[RISE probably can't arrest someone just based on reputation, but Jacob trusts Peter's word enough to give some serious pre-emptive stink-eye.]

I've already talked to Kanaya about having your team upgrade my gear. Looking forward to seeing what you all come up with.

[shutterbugged]

Appreciate that, Jacob. Like, keep an eye out, or keep an eye out?

[ Is RISE getting involved? He's not sure he likes the idea, honestly. Otto's far smarter and far more dangerous than any possible description of Peter's could get across. ]

Yeah, so I've heard. Looking forward to working with you, buddy!

[ret2go]

Oh! You can turn into a spider too? Small world!

oh right, you need to hit "post" after writing the tag...

[shutterbugged]

[ He should have known better than to make that quip, honestly. ]

I mean...I have, not on purpose, but it's not really my wheelhouse--web-house? Just "web"?--and I'd like to keep it that way.

[zee_zatara]

Think you might need the occasional magical-type insight for those goodies on occasion? I can't do tech, but I can do fishnets that don't get snagged, and have protective charms against the elements.

[glowsferatu]

[ Oh, Kanaya is on this immediately. ]

Absolutely! I've been dreadfully short of sources to consult for magical matters of late. In fact, I've been approached for a job requiring a protective charm against certain elements, and have been rather stumped on how to complete it!

[ Hold on, she forgot something. ] Sorry, I should have introduced myself. Kanaya Maryam, I administrate this venture.

[video]

[glassfall]

Spider-Man?

[Does that mean he can communicate with spiders?]

I like to believe that everyone deserves a second chance, but I'll be careful. I'm Cinders, by the way.

[shutterbugged]

That's with a hyphen, and a capital M.

[ No, that's his brother. ]

Believe me, nothing would make me happier than if Otto decided to turn over a new leaf, but since he's already as much as told me otherwise...better safe than sorry.

Nice to meet you, Cinders. Is that a codename, or just what you're called? [ Because with a name like that, it could go either way. ]

[faderbroderson]

[Failing to pay attention to comic books is not previously something Godric would have put on his list of Things to Regret. Thankfully, he didn't live under a rock and thus knows who Spiderman is. Beyond that, he's clueless. Hence the question...]

He goes by Doctor Octopus?

[To his credit, it comes out sounding like a fairly neutral question, with only a hint of the incredulity he's currently suppressing.]

[shutterbugged]

I think it was one of those, "They sought to mock me with their feeble taunting epithet, but now I, DOCTOR OCTOPUS, have all the power, and I shall make them rue the day!" kinds of things.

[ The speech might be mediocre, as supervillain rambling goes, but for anyone who's met Otto Octavius the voice and expressions--complete with dramatic arm wiggling for the tentacles--are dead on. No pun intended. ]