maskormenace | 1 💣 VIDEO.

[ The feed turns on to show a blonde, mustached man in a white dress shirt — the sleeves rolled up to his elbows — and blue tie, currently attempting to juggle holding his communicator, lighting a cigarette, and holding his suit jacket in place (slung over his shoulder) all at once, because these are all clearly equally necessary tasks. When he speaks it's with a twangy Southern accent — recognizable as West Virginian to those who would — seemingly not all that perturbed by his situation. Maybe just slightly inconvenienced, but that's all. ]

So… I guess this is pretty weird, but let's be honest— while I may barely know of any of you, I feel like I can still speak for most of us when I say things could easily be weirder. Personally if anything, I feel like it was only a matter of time before I ended up in some alternate dimension... it's like eventually you just reach that stage in life when everything else crazy's pretty much already happened to you, so all you can say is, "Sure, why not?" Makes perfect sense. [ That might just be sarcasm. Although maybe not? An even mixture, probably. ] But the best part is—

[ This is about the point where Ray proves why it can be dangerous to record yourself and walk, because as he starts to cross the street the video suddenly bounces, his communicator flying as he is struck hard by a car, shattering the windshield before he's tossed off the vehicle with a shriek. Oh, not a car; the screen shortly reveals that it was, in fact, an ambulance. Ray can be heard yelling, cursing, and making all sorts of noise as then the ambulance bumps over something -- maybe the curb or maybe Ray himself -- as it moves to pull over. Audio somewhat muffled, he shouts after it: ]

Jeezus! Y'all call that driving?! [ Then, pained and more to himself: ] Dukes. Well that's gotta be some kinda record. But maybe pain's a good sign in this case... okay--

[ He groans from still-mostly-off-screen, straining as he tries to determine if he can still move his legs, let alone get up. ]

Oh, wow, they still work!

[ After Ray's gotten back up to his feet he reaches for his communicator again with his singularly gloved hand, looking surprisingly pleased for a man who was just in a traffic accident. And whose face is bleeding and lacerated by glass, some shards still stuck in it. In the background: sirens, so he's gonna walk... as quickly as he can away from the crash site. ]

All good! I'm good, it’s all good, just a little— [ He cracks his back, hissing in mild discomfort, then exhaling in harsh relief. ] Whew. That's better. Boy though, could that have been ugly… especially since that ambulance sure isn't going anywhere in a hurry now. Some welcome wagon.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

It's just one outta four, actually.

[ But he won't dwell on the point. ]

Well I mean, they're all right, I guess... I'm mostly ambivalent, but at least it'd be something to do. I already got most of the skills for it and I figure, it'd probably have way better perks than at a daycare. Never know when something like that could come in handy.

Well, [he chirps.] that, and kids fuckin' suck.

No they don't. But taking care of them does.

Same difference.

[he can't with anyone below 10 okay that's his limit.]

...Though I'm used to dealin' with a bunch of teenagers so I guess I can't chat shit. Uh-- I think there's a special cop place for imPorts called... R... R-somethin'... ask Jacob.

Oh, not at all. See, my best friend just had a baby, and she's adorable as anything but, there is a huge difference between spending time with her while mommy's still around and being left to your own devices. It hasn't always been easy, but so far I've managed to avoid ever being left alone with that baby.

[ He's just not been ready, God!!!! Also, he's belatedly not sure why he used the term "best friend" to describe Lana, but... whatever, he won't worry about it. Helps to simplify the story, at least. ]

I have no idea who that is. [ A beat. ] But sure, I'll make a note to look into the other thing-- it's a lot to think about, whatever it is I end up doing.

Yeah, the moment they start cryin' I'm out. My paternal instincts begin and end at goin' to sleep when it starts raining.

[not true but whatever. HE'S NOT AWARE.]

Lemme get his-- ah, there it is. [he texts ray jacob's number.] He's a real nice guy, I'm sure he could probably direct you right on law enforcement careers anyway.

My paternal instincts begin and end at buying things out of a catalogue-- and maybe weekend babysitting if the kid isn't still in diapers. Big "maybe," though. And that's if we're just talking about one kid.

[ Ray's not sure if he'll actually call or if he'll see about investigating one of the local PDs himself yet, but he saves the number just in case. ]

Thanks. What was it you said he does?

See, that's me, but with pet clothes. You ever seen them little sparkly coats? Fuck, my dog's too big to get one on. I miss the custom shit you could get at home.

[...anyway.]

I'm not 100% sure but I know he's heavily involved in imPort police stuff. Also, his power is cool magic anti-grav stuff and in a fight club thing he beat the hell out of me with it. It was awesome.

Uh, no, what sparkly coats?! Oh my God-- no, listen, I don't even have a dog and I know there's a market for lil' doggie clothes. Go online and you probably couldn't shake a stick without hitting someone who makes those things custom-fit, seriously.

[ ............ Yeah, anyway... ]

His power is... wait, what? That description barely-- [ A beat. ] Dude.

I should get one for Arcanine as well so they can be matching lil' buddies!! Though Arcanine's would have to be huge... and fireproof... hm.

[ANYWAAAAY]

It was a friendly match! It's not like he just came up to me and started kicking the shit outta me.

No, I didn't think he did, but-- [ Well. ] How do you even beat somebody up that way? I mean, anti-gravity...?

Oh! He fired like... a magic bolt or something at me and when it hit me it made me float for like a minute or so. Then he just kind of wailed on me like a punching bag.

[he laughs, clearly extremely unbothered.]

I got some good hits on him, though! Anti-grav means you can get good momentum to kicks!

Okay...

[ Ray's not even gonna ask why they were in a fight club. Not... even gonna ask... ]

Man, I wonder how they even decide who gets what sort of power, though. Cuz it seems like there's all kinds of neat healing and offensive ones, but then you got some other people with the most trivial bullshit.

He had it before he came here, actually. You'd have to ask him about it, though.

Oh... right, I guess that would probably influence things somewhat. Powers weren't really a thing where I come from, we're all just normal people mostly.

[ Mostly. ]

Yeah, same. I mean, there's some people with mild psychic powers but they're pretty rare and honestly never that powerful.

[he shrugs.]

It's the Pokémon that're really strong.

Sort of weird to think about how many differences there must be between all these places... this one isn't even that different from mine, but Goddamn.

I think we do have those too, though. Or well, at least people who claim that they're psychic.

Seems like most Earths are similar enough... I mean, they all have humans.

[he shakes himself briefly.]

Er, I digress. How are you feelin'?

I guess so... I mean they'd have to, right?

[ And he doesn't know enough about all the alien/etc. worlds to dispute it. ]

And well, I've been worse? As long as I can still move in a couple of days, I'll consider it a win.

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