003 🌙 VIDEO

[heliophilic]

[Happy New Year, MoM. M is lounging on one of his couches in his apartment, a laptop partially visible in his lap.]

So how many of you have gotten one of these Instagrahm things? My boyfriend gave me grief about not having one of these--or any social media really--to talk to my "fans" with, so I figured one of my New Year's resolutions would be to give one a shot.

[The camera pans down to the laptop, where M's brand new Instagrahm "butwithpunching" (he steadfastly refused going with "officialm") is visible. It's so new that he hasn't posted anything yet. M turns the camera back up to his face.]

I guess the first thing is "add me." Or "follow me." Or whatever. That's what you're supposed to say in this situation, isn't it? Second part is a question--or I suppose a few questions...

Are you one of these people who pimps themselves out to get the most followers? Why? What do you all get out of this?

No need for the "how to" tutorial... I already know exactly how this all works. [The beauty of implants that give him an innate understanding of computers.] It's the why I haven't figured out yet.

Comments

[incogneto]

It's the new necessary tool of self-promotion.

And it's Instagram.

[heliophilic]

That exact sentence is what sparked that whole guilt trip in the first place.

You can see how little I care about this website. App. Whatever.

[incogneto]

I guess that depends on if you want to communicate with your fans or not.

[heliophilic]

I... haven't decided. Before I got here I wasn't a "fan" kind of... aggressive anthropologist.

[incogneto]

Well, I can't answer that for you... Maybe you could just post to your boyfriend's instagram.

[heliophilic]

Pretty sure Nonah News 9 wouldn't appreciate me hijacking their weatherman's instagram account.

...But what about you? You a self-promoter?

[incogneto]

Yes, and how come he doesn't have a personal account? I've got a different one for my business.

[heliophilic]

You need to take that up with Andrew. Frankly I neither know nor care.

That said, you don't strike me as the "selfie life" type.

[M does, however, see Erik having a perfectly curated instagram life.]

[incogneto]

I don't strike me as the type, either.

You don't just have to take photos of yourself, although you do have to have a few interspersed if it's meant to be for your fans.

You could just as well have pictures of your dog.

[heliophilic]

I don't have a dog.

I have a foot-long, 2 pound, fighting robot shrimp.

[In case Erik thinks M is fucking with him, he turns the camera around to show said shrimp attempting to maul a stuffed chipmunk toy in front of one of those fancy, stylish dog beds.

[incogneto]

Perfect. You've got your subject figured out. Lights, camera. You know.

[heliophilic]

There's a market for robot shrimp? I thought it was reserved for cute things like puppies and kittens.

[incogneto]

There's an instagram that's full of videos of a woman planting her face into bread. She's not even eating the bread.

There's a market for robot shrimp.

[heliophilic]

Why did you have to go and tell me that? Because now I've given up on humanity and I have nothing else to live for.

[incogneto]

That was your tipping point?

[heliophilic]

I thought I'd learned of all of the lows of society, but then you have to introduce me to bread faceplanting.

[incogneto]

Sorry to have destroyed your innocence, but trust me. There's an audience. And Instagram is an easy way to keep up and see what your acquaintances are up to.

[ And also to like. Try to understand your grandson. But he's thinking that's probs not a problem for M. ]

[heliophilic]

If I wind up dead in a few days I hope that you thoroughly blame yourself.

And this is just reminding me that conversation is thoroughly dead.

[h2no]

EXCUSE ME
WHY ARE YOU KEEPING THIS SWEET SWEET BOY FROM ME

[heliophilic]

I'm not keeping D from you, you've never asked.

And they are a they.

[h2no]

oh no i didn't see SORRY D YOU'RE AMAZING
can i see them

[heliophilic]

They're a robot shrimp.

They can't read.

And yes you can.

[h2no]

THE IMPLICATION
M!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
IS THAT YOU TELL THEM I SAID THAT

[heliophilic]

😇😇😇😇😇😇😇😇😇😇😇😇😇😇😇😇😇😇😇😇

[h2no]

😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈