01 | text

[deadtective]

I'm sure that someone will be flooding the network with existential garbage for the new soon enough, so I'm just going to skip all that bullshit. In a place like this it's just gonna tip into nihilism sooner or later anyway.

Everybody likes blind bags, right? Seems like they're pretty popular right about now; I guess getting random shit's kind of like spinning the wheel and praying that your luck isn't a total nightmare for the next twelve months. Just, you know. Less disappointing.

I've got a shit ton of car keys here with me right now. For a hundred bucks I'll send you a random key and the address where you can pick your new car of dubious quality up. No returns, so don't come bitching at me if it's a shitheap. Most of the people I took these from aren't exactly known for living lives of fucking luxury.

Offers expires tomorrow, so you better move fast. Cash only.

[attached is a photograph of a small mason jar filled with car keys as proof. working the graveyard shift at a gas station on New Years Eve was certainly a wild time.]

Comments

Text; UN: D33

[d33tached]

Are you attempting to sell stolen vehicles over the network?

[deadtective]

No, I'm attempting to sell stolen car keys over the network. The only time I touched the cars was to make sure they had a full tank of gas that somebody paid for.

[d33tached]

You don't find that to be a bit foolish considering who has access to these posts?

[deadtective]

Not really. Apparently you can skin an entire city's worth of people and they still let you fuck around without going to jail.

text

[knaval]

do i gotta drive the car
i want one to crush
gimme a key

[deadtective]

Cash first.

[knaval]

how much?

[deadtective]

Did you even read the fucking post, dude?

anonymous

[shadowglitter]

can i have one

let me clarify
i would like some keys, but for free

[deadtective]

If you kill me first, sure.

text

[hardcut]

yeah sure
how many you got left

[ DEEP SIGH ]

[deadtective]

Pretty much all of them. I forgot how big a stick everyone on here collectively had wedged up their asses.

[hardcut]

probably they just don't want to get ripped off
i'll take 'em anyway

[deadtective]

You say that, but they'll shell out the same amount of cash for a brown paper bag with random shit in it all the time.

But that's fine. That'll beeeee...thousand bucks even, if the other dude actually picks his up.

[am_i_a_monster]

Why take from people already living hard lives?

[deadtective]

Probably because I can't even think of which people you could've possibly assumed had hard lives from this post.

[am_i_a_monster]

The ones not living lives of luxury. I guess it's how you define luxury. For me, being able to go out and do things is a luxury. If they can't do that, it's a hard life.

[deadtective]

...yeah, I've got no idea who the fuck you're talking about here.

text;

[vanto]

I'll take one.

[deadtective]

Competition for these things is starting to heat up. You willing to outbid "I'll take them all" guy for one?

[vanto]

Sadly, I don't think I could afford it. I'll have to pass.

[deadtective]

Too bad. An online auction slapfight could've been a lot of fun.

text;

[notyourfathersosborn]

Liquidating a used car lot?

[deadtective]

Not quite, although a lot of liquid was definitely involved.

[notyourfathersosborn]

I'm sure the owners are thrilled.