001??

[holisticallydetecting]

 [Hi, Network. Have a very cheerful looking man in a bright yellow leather jacket and a black t-shirt reading 'mexican funeral' beaming happily at you.]

Oh! Right. There we go. I think it's working now. Hello? Can you all hear me? [He taps the screen, but then just keeps beaming.]

Well, I'll find out soon I suppose. Isn't this exciting? It's almost like advertising. I thought about making up some business cards - you know, for self defence - but this seems much easier. And so much more personal! Now you can just talk to me, whenever you like. From your heads, even! 

Okay. Yes. Right. Where was I.

Hello!

My name is Dirk Gently, and I am a Detective. I mean, technically, I have a detective agency, but since they're still back home and I'm not, it's more of just a detective than an agency, so- yes. Just me!  And even then, technically, here, I work at a sword shop, or I am supposed to soon - though, haha, I've never used a sword in my life so I really wouldn't recommend me. As a salesman. For you. If you know what I mean. 

The point is! If you have any cases or unsolved mysteries or just some very weird happenstances-- well, happening-- please feel free to give me a call. Or a text! Or one of these video message things. They seem very handy. 

My rates are very reasonable.

Oh. Also. If I suddenly appear in your living room? I am very sorry. It's an accident. Probably. Though maybe you'll be happy to see me?
 

 

Is anyone missing an octopus? Because I maaaaaay have found one.

[He smiles brightly, and the video winks out.]

[ooc: option b: if your character needs help, for any reason, feel free to leave that as an action prompt instead of replying to the post. His power means that he will randomly teleport to people that need help. How much help? Well. That's up to you. It doesn't matter. If they need help, he can appear.]

Comments

[dreadinquisitor]

[A handsome laugh comes as response, and a man with a friendly smile.]

Give you a call for 'very weird happenstances,' hm?

Welcome, serah, I think you're going to be very busy.

[holisticallydetecting]

Oh, no, my name is Dirk, but I understand the confusion. This place is very confusing.

And I imagine I will be! Since this entire place seems like a weird happenstance, or maybe a parallel dimension, or maybe we're all stuck in a video game? Or- maybe- maybe- we're all actually in each other's dreams?

Now that would be strange.

voice;

[subroutined]

[ Ash still defaults to voice over video because it's easier to access mentally. He's trying his English accent on for size at the moment. ]

What makes a Mexican funeral different than any other funeral?

video;

[holisticallydetecting]

[Dirk continues to reply in video because it's already on. Is that a tentacle winding up his arm?]

What? [He has no idea what you're talking about, and then --]

Oh! OH. No! No no. [He gives a very smug, very proud smile.] Actually, it's a t-shirt from my best friend's band? Well his old band. And they sort of hate him now, but that's not the point, the point is he's my best friend and he gave me this t-shirt so that automatically makes me their biggest fan even though I've never heard their music in my life.

I've heard him play, though, and he's very, very good.

[Video]

[centelha]

What would you count as a 'very weird happenstance'?

...and is the octopus alive?

[Video]

[holisticallydetecting]

Well. I mean. Anything that you think you might need a detective to help figure out. That sort of happenstance.

[He looks down, then reaches out to move the camera to show the octopus, which is at the moment sitting in his bathtub, tentacles reaching up and curling around one of Dirk's sleeves.]

Oh, yes. It's alive. As much as anyone else is, anyway. Hypothetically.

action. bc u said to do it. there are witnesses.

[fauxmarth]

[Lucina's first encounter with indoor plumbing! probably the most challenging thing so far, since she's not sat down with the instruction manual for the communicator.

but she's a smart girl, she can figure this out! she doesn't want to have to bother Owain any more than she's already done -- her poor, sweet cousin's going to expire before he ever says he's exhausted from the emotional tidal wave of their unexpected reunion...and honestly? she can use a breather. hopefully a bath will help!

but.

um.]

...Right...

[Lucina, naked as the day she's born, is peering at the faucets and showerheads with a frown.

and lo, the magic words:] ...Now. How does this work?

Dirk Gently and the Naked Girl's Plumbing.........................??

[holisticallydetecting]

[One second, he was chatting cheerfully to an octopus who didn't seem particularly impressed with him, and the next the world suddenly went rainbow colours and POP! he was somewhere else entirely.

Specifically, he appeared in Lucina's bathtub, in Odin's apartment, his legs upside down and braced on the tile above him, his back on the bottom of the bathtub and looking up at the shower head above him.

He had expected this.

Well, not this exactly, but something like this. He scrambled a bit, to get upright, turned his eyes, and--]

Oh!

[He blinked, wide eyed, and then suddenly covered his eyes with his hands.]

Oh my--!

[hellosirs]

Hello, sir! It's always nice to meet another detective!

... Um, where did you find the octopus?

[holisticallydetecting]

Hiiiii~!

You're a detective too? That's amazing! Though I bet you're probably the normal kind of detective, who actually does things like follow clues and makes a case and collects evidence and all that.


Oh, yes - in the street. He needed help. Or she did? You know? I have no idea how to gender an octopus. Do they even have gender? Would they just be offended by the entire concept??

video;

[pyrogue]

So, what's your level of weird happenstances? Like say, from one to superpowered clone of Jack the Ripper?

video;

[holisticallydetecting]

Oh, well, I've never seen a clone, but I did know a man who built a time machine and became three versions of himself and a suit of armour that could electrify people??

And once there was a horse that faked its own death--

action ; i am a srs rper

[onlydoubts]

[ If Kay or Cassian were home, he would've asked them. While lacking in the muscles department, Bodhi isn't weak by any stretch. And he really wants pickles for his sandwich (he could've gone out for said sandwich, but he already had it made and didn't want it to go to waste).

Anyways. He can't open the jar.

It's really stuck. Bodhi has been trying to open it for the last twenty minutes, getting more and more frustrated with it.

How pathetic would it be if he were to call one of his housemates home to help him? ]

[holisticallydetecting]

[Suddenly, in the middle of Bodhi's floor, a man appears - in a bright yellow leather jacket, which has blood on the shoulders, now, lying very dazed and confused. But that doesn't last for too long, as he scrambles up right, looking in every direction for whatever or whoever he has suddenly appeared for. When he sees Bodhi he starts, as if expecting to be hit, wide-eyed and worried, and then immediately puts both arms out in front of him as if to keep the man at bay.]

I'm not an assassin!! I'm here to help!!

video

[h2no]

How do you... accidentally appear in a living room?

permavideo

[holisticallydetecting]

Now that is a very good question.


I have no idea. [He says this with a very bright smile on his face.]

[ Video ]

[ghoulking]

Weird things are constantly happening here. It's a daily thing.

Suddenly appearing in our living room - I assume it's your power.

permavideo

[holisticallydetecting]

It is very weird, here, but that's not actually that new to me - I just find weird things wherever they are, completely by accident. Which is probably why I'm here in the first place, if I'm totally honest.

And here, yes, apparently. I mean - the file is wrong, about what I do, but that one at least has turned out to be accurate. I've already done it a couple times, now, and it's very scary and people sometimes try to kill you? But yes. Apparently if people need help, I just - appear.

They laid out very clearly that I will have absolutely no control over it, which, to be frank, feels a little rude.

video;

[reexamined]

[Kay's noticing a connection here. Not to Dirk specifically. Not to some fate-ties-things-together logic.

But rather that people who wear that exact shade of yellow seem to be particularly talkative, and borderline annoying.]

'Weird' things happen here all the time. You're going to be busy soon enough.

video;

[holisticallydetecting]

[In Dirk's defence, back home he owns a jacket for every colour of the rainbow. The yellow one is just the one he happened to appear here in.

Also, borderline is definitely putting it mildly.]

I already am busy - I've teleported twice today and nearly gotten a concussion, was almost blown up and I had to open a jar. Oh and the octopus.

Oh no - Oh no, the octopus is still back home--

Video;

[momchester]

Wait, you found an octopus? You’re not mermaid, are you?

[holisticallydetecting]

[He gives a high pitched laugh, looking down as his legs and back up at the screen again.]

A mermaid? No, no, I would not make a very good mermaid, especially since I am not a maid and not particularly mer either. I'm just a detective.

I found the octopus on the street, and it obviously needed help. I don't think a mermaid would be able to walk on streets, very well. It would make my job very hard.

video.

[ohshutup]

Well, what a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Gently.

[Clara is completely and utterly charmed by the whole broadcast. It's possible that he's reminding her of another talkative, strangely-dressed, English bloke who used to be in her life.]

We're getting lousy with detectives here. I work with an agency myself.

video.

[holisticallydetecting]

[Oh. Mr. Gently. He looks very pleased about that, and tries to smother a smile.]

Dirk. Dirk is just fine, no one ever calls me mister anything. And it's very nice to meet you, Miss...? [Wait, she didn't actually say her name. So he just hangs there expectantly for a few seconds.

At the second part, he lights up.]

You do? Really? Does that mean you're a detective, or are you a detective's assistant?

Or are you a ninja?

[Video;]

[lasersounds]

Okay. Question...how does someone lose an octopus? Is it even legal to own one of those?

[holisticallydetecting]

I imagine like how anyone loses anything.

Maybe they got trapped in a freak tornado, or got caught between universes and dropped it, or maybe they didn't lose it at all but instead the octopus is actually a human and somewhere else there is a human that is actually an octopus.

It isn't illegal, no. As far as I'm aware. In most places. It isn't endangered. Or, well they aren't. This one may be. Individually.

VIDEO.

[handycapable]

So technically that'd make you more like a private detective now, wouldn't it?

[ Ray has dabbled as a P.I. too, so he's not even being cheeky-- well, maybe just a little bit, that's just how he does. But, raising an eyebrow as he lights a cigarette, he moves onto more important matters, adding: ]

Now is that some sort of an alias, or...?

[holisticallydetecting]

Sooooooorrt of...?

I'm a holistic detective. Sometimes I'm hired for cases but most of the time I simply sort of end up in them.

[At the second question Dirk suddenly looks very uncomfortable.]

No?? No. It's my name. My real name. Why would you even think that?