Audio only

[yaaas_queen]

[For those of you network savvy imPorts, the local radio stations may be a cheap alternative to what you regularly get. But maybe you hear it in the background sometimes, in a store or on a bus as you go about your business, maybe it just starts playing on your nearest computer the way some haywire apps go. But this evening there's a good chance you might stumble on this airwave that announces itself with horns and then this little pop ditty before you hear a voice cut through it, sounding paradoxically demanding, sarcastic, and blasé.]

Good evening! Attention citizens or what--? [There's the rustle and click, like the announcer just turned away from the microphone.] Look, Mike, how can I be stealing music if I now have the power to control it, hmm? That's like telling the sun not to shine, the horses not to run, Adele to get over a breakup. So you can copyright that. And, yes, I know your name isn't Mike but you're near a microphone and I don't know what your real name is, so can we just agree that's the easiest way to identify yourself and get back to this program? Hmmkay.

Anyway, this is "Fix Your Selfie," with your host the fabulous Gina Linetti, A.C., M.P., and O.G. I am apparently required to tell you I'm not a medical or legal expert but when has that stopped me from being right? The answer is never, Mike. Never.

[There's a small pause where you can't hear anyone else but you probably feel like "Mike" is taking the brunt of this doubt. But it's over and then her voice gets more enthusiastic]

I have been brought here to soothe your broken souls, mend your damaged wings, and help you fly like a fierce eagle with the winds of self-esteem carrying you to victory! Buuuuuuut first that means I have to get to know your many, many problems. This will be a slight challenge because it's the radio and I am a master of facial expressions, and my understanding of language has transcended mere verbal cues, question face; but also easier because you won't be so distracted by my intensity and beauty that you can open up to me anonymously or whatever.

So, I turn it over to you listeners, call in and we'll start our first steps on this journey together. Just remember that because I'm telling you I care about your self-improvement doesn't mean I actually actually want to get to know you as you currently are.

[With that, there's a canned recording of a much more soothing automated voice telling you the number to contact them. Or, if you're on a computer, a button touch away from possibly connecting to this bizarre show. Do you think it's real? Maybe a parody stunt? Well, maybe you can find out if you call in...?]

Comments

[youresovein]

Good evening, Gina! I do have one very long-standing question that I'm hoping you can answer for me. What would you recommend for your listeners who are already perfect?

[yaaas_queen]

[There's a small inhale on her end, sort of a yes, recognition as her tone actually gets a little thoughtful, the kind she normally reserves for when you ask her which Channing Tatum ab is the most defined]

Excellent question, listener! Normally, I would save this for a later time but since I have two callers asking the same question, I'll go ahead with it. Imperfect listeners, turn away so as not to spoil yourself.

[Now, getting into a more conspiratorial tone]

If I may digress, this gets into the age old question: what is perfection? Some spiritualists say it's finding your best self, attaining oneness with the universe, Nirvana, Heaven, blackouts due to taking too much gigglepig. And that's fine if you want to sit in a room with nothing to do except avoid how you haven't bathed in weeks because you're trying to solve world peace. It's "technically" true.

The other, more difficult perfection, is the one I strive to maintain every damn day. The way of being so perfect so that other people realize you are better than them. This is harder because people are The Worst. Even if you wake up every morning looking like you walked out of a Chanel commercial, somebody is going to expect that as routine. It becomes normal for them. We have short attention spans, limited engagement. I have checked my phone at least eighty times since I started this show, and I am fascinating.

The trick is innovating your perfection. In the 1920's Josephine Baker was our Beyonce, and she would walk her pet cheetah along streets of Paris wearing nothing but pearls and bananas. But you can't do that today. I know, because customs told me it that I wasn't allowed to smuggle a cheetah or bananas, something about how it could wreck the ecology of New York as well as ruin airplane upholstery. And, side note to listeners: cheetahs are apparently very neurotic and can't sheath their claws.

Anyway, my point is that Beyonce has become perfect by finding the perfection in the current landscape. We didn't know we needed her "Lemonade" until she dropped it out of the blue and slaked our cultural thirst. And fifteen minutes or twenty years from now we, an insatiable and ignorant mass, will be expecting something entirely new for our standards of perfect...

[youresovein]

Well, I didn't think it possible, but you've truly given me food for thought! It seems I had gotten myself attached to the idea of perfection as an external immutable goal, a sort of a 'are you perfect, check yes or no,' when in reality it's something far more ephemeral than that, isn't it? Your perfection and my perfection would look entirely different while both being, objectively, perfect — just as yours would have been different a century ago before the advent of social media.

You could have gotten a step ahead of the lovely Miss Josephine Baker and imported a pair of semi-domesticated luxury jackals, for example.

[ that sounds so much better than self-improvement. ]

[yaaas_queen]

[self-improvement is for losers concerned about other people's opinions]

Luxury jackals, nice example. I do feel more aligned with wolves but their ruggedness may somehow clash with the sleek look that jackals offer. Then, of course, there's the tried and true jaguar that the Pop King Jackson used before in his Black or White video.

It's all about seizing the moment of relevancy. So do you feel as if you are still the center of the universe and everyone you know is asking "why am I not trying to be more like him?" then you're on the right track of perfection.

[youresovein]

It's a bit of an aside, but if I might offer a word of advice on the subject of relevancy vis-à-vis wolves? Played out. Completely done. Unless you plan on reinventing the wolf on a ground-up conceptual level...

[ it's an invitational sort of trailing off. ]

[yaaas_queen]

That's been on my T.D. list. Hungry wolves? Done. Robot wolves are still in bad CGI or nightmare fuel droid level. The three wolves behind a moon has become so played out you can get it on a gas station t-shirt.

But! They're still everywhere in social-wise. You have your lone wolves and your alphas, your betas, your weird animal sex stuff, your wolf pack. We have whole kingdoms of animals to choose from and we still use wolves because nobody wants to be compared to squid school; and pandas, while cute, are worthless contributors to the natural order.