Audio only

[yaaas_queen]

[For those of you network savvy imPorts, the local radio stations may be a cheap alternative to what you regularly get. But maybe you hear it in the background sometimes, in a store or on a bus as you go about your business, maybe it just starts playing on your nearest computer the way some haywire apps go. But this evening there's a good chance you might stumble on this airwave that announces itself with horns and then this little pop ditty before you hear a voice cut through it, sounding paradoxically demanding, sarcastic, and blasé.]

Good evening! Attention citizens or what--? [There's the rustle and click, like the announcer just turned away from the microphone.] Look, Mike, how can I be stealing music if I now have the power to control it, hmm? That's like telling the sun not to shine, the horses not to run, Adele to get over a breakup. So you can copyright that. And, yes, I know your name isn't Mike but you're near a microphone and I don't know what your real name is, so can we just agree that's the easiest way to identify yourself and get back to this program? Hmmkay.

Anyway, this is "Fix Your Selfie," with your host the fabulous Gina Linetti, A.C., M.P., and O.G. I am apparently required to tell you I'm not a medical or legal expert but when has that stopped me from being right? The answer is never, Mike. Never.

[There's a small pause where you can't hear anyone else but you probably feel like "Mike" is taking the brunt of this doubt. But it's over and then her voice gets more enthusiastic]

I have been brought here to soothe your broken souls, mend your damaged wings, and help you fly like a fierce eagle with the winds of self-esteem carrying you to victory! Buuuuuuut first that means I have to get to know your many, many problems. This will be a slight challenge because it's the radio and I am a master of facial expressions, and my understanding of language has transcended mere verbal cues, question face; but also easier because you won't be so distracted by my intensity and beauty that you can open up to me anonymously or whatever.

So, I turn it over to you listeners, call in and we'll start our first steps on this journey together. Just remember that because I'm telling you I care about your self-improvement doesn't mean I actually actually want to get to know you as you currently are.

[With that, there's a canned recording of a much more soothing automated voice telling you the number to contact them. Or, if you're on a computer, a button touch away from possibly connecting to this bizarre show. Do you think it's real? Maybe a parody stunt? Well, maybe you can find out if you call in...?]

Comments

[yaaas_queen]

As I should be. Do you have any requests, either musical or self-improvement related?

[lasersounds]

I wouldn't call it self-improvement related but...How good are you with relationship advice?

[Honestly, talking to a total stranger might be easier while he tries to figure out the mess that is his love life.]

[yaaas_queen]

I've been witness and subject to all kinds. Drama, casual, experimental, you name it.

[lasersounds]

Right...[Definitely more knowledgeable than him then.]

So. I like this person, we didn't always get along well...but we worked through that. We might be dating? But we haven't talked about it...Kind of made it complicated that there was someone else we both were into that was around for awhile, but she's been ported out for awhile now...

I'm basically in a mode of "what do," here.

[yaaas_queen]

It's always good to go with feeling out boundaries. For example, if this person came back would it make things weird? Would you be, like, "threesome?" or nah?

If you're feeling unsure about the "might be dating" part, try marking that territory. Things that you know will be memorable, so even if you're in that grey area of boyfriend of friend-friend, you'll still be the one and only...whatever your name is, in their heart.

[lasersounds]

That's...actually pretty solid advice. [Honestly, he probably just needed someone to sound logical about it.]

He's not exactly the type to do the whole "emotions" talk, but...we'll see what happens I guess.

[yaaas_queen]

[Sometimes terrible people do produce sound logic]

Oh, girl, you don't need to go straight to the Talk. You can test it out beforehand. Like bungee jumping with your heartstrings. Lay it out, give your gesture a little pizazz and see his reaction, then adjust accordingly.

[lasersounds]

Oh.Uh. I'm not a girl? [Or was that a colloquial "girl"? The downsides of not knowing someone well enough.]

But fair. Might make him run off if I just launch right into anyway...

[yaaas_queen]

It's a solidarity "girl," like in the part where I tell you to go get it. It, being your maybe boyfriend's attention.

[lasersounds]

Right. Gotcha. You never know around here, since people are pulled from wherever and whenever.

By the way, now that we've got that advice bit out of the way...Think you can do something to get us some Latin flair on the music waves? We're seriously lacking.

[yaaas_queen]

What kind of jams are we talking about? Salsa? Bossa Nova? I take suggestions, not requests, and the Macarena is out of bounds.

[lasersounds]

The Macarena has nothing when put up against other Latin hits.

I don't even know what they've got here, but if we could get something close to Selena, Iglesias, or heck even some Daddy Yankee up in here, I'd be happy.

Or if you want a challenge, try finding some Cuban hits. That's where all the good classic Salsa comes from. But I might be biased there.

[yaaas_queen]

Cementing my title as new favorite person, here's some Cuban jams by way of...Havana!

[What's one more dimensional copyright nightmare between fans]

[lasersounds]

Nice. You have some very good taste.

[yaaas_queen]

It's one of my many, many talents. But now these music powers make it so much easier to let others indulge in the caviar and Cristal of my music tastes.

[lasersounds]

Girl, you use those powers.
We need a hero like you.