Audio only

[yaaas_queen]

[For those of you network savvy imPorts, the local radio stations may be a cheap alternative to what you regularly get. But maybe you hear it in the background sometimes, in a store or on a bus as you go about your business, maybe it just starts playing on your nearest computer the way some haywire apps go. But this evening there's a good chance you might stumble on this airwave that announces itself with horns and then this little pop ditty before you hear a voice cut through it, sounding paradoxically demanding, sarcastic, and blasé.]

Good evening! Attention citizens or what--? [There's the rustle and click, like the announcer just turned away from the microphone.] Look, Mike, how can I be stealing music if I now have the power to control it, hmm? That's like telling the sun not to shine, the horses not to run, Adele to get over a breakup. So you can copyright that. And, yes, I know your name isn't Mike but you're near a microphone and I don't know what your real name is, so can we just agree that's the easiest way to identify yourself and get back to this program? Hmmkay.

Anyway, this is "Fix Your Selfie," with your host the fabulous Gina Linetti, A.C., M.P., and O.G. I am apparently required to tell you I'm not a medical or legal expert but when has that stopped me from being right? The answer is never, Mike. Never.

[There's a small pause where you can't hear anyone else but you probably feel like "Mike" is taking the brunt of this doubt. But it's over and then her voice gets more enthusiastic]

I have been brought here to soothe your broken souls, mend your damaged wings, and help you fly like a fierce eagle with the winds of self-esteem carrying you to victory! Buuuuuuut first that means I have to get to know your many, many problems. This will be a slight challenge because it's the radio and I am a master of facial expressions, and my understanding of language has transcended mere verbal cues, question face; but also easier because you won't be so distracted by my intensity and beauty that you can open up to me anonymously or whatever.

So, I turn it over to you listeners, call in and we'll start our first steps on this journey together. Just remember that because I'm telling you I care about your self-improvement doesn't mean I actually actually want to get to know you as you currently are.

[With that, there's a canned recording of a much more soothing automated voice telling you the number to contact them. Or, if you're on a computer, a button touch away from possibly connecting to this bizarre show. Do you think it's real? Maybe a parody stunt? Well, maybe you can find out if you call in...?]

Comments

[darkpants_warmfeeling]

Uh. Think you might have lost me there.

[Who are those people what is happening.]

But I get what you're suggesting. I've got plenty of hobbies already, but... they're all about being good at something, and working hard at it. Probably not what you have in mind.

If you think photos will help, I'm okay with that.

[He's also okay with a bit of appreciation. He works hard to look this good, and doesn't mind having that recognized at all.]

[yaaas_queen]

Not at all. I'm talking the kind of hobbies people try to be passably okay at, because training for any of them implies a poor sense of time and effort management. Karaoke. Mini-golf. Bumper lane bowling. A great SAT score that would make people realize you're smarter than you let yourself appear to be, thus making it harder to take advantage of their expectations...

Incidentally, the first three are perfect venues for casual dating because it sets a low bar.

[Is that a suggestive hint? It could or could not be a hint.]

You need to find something you would enjoy being bad at. Something that doesn't trigger your need to put 100% of your glistening muscles behind it. And you'll want to let other people watch you do it, to talk about it and learn to loosen up.

[Also if that means she gets to see him flexing his, uh, emotional muscles, she could count that as part of her job]

[darkpants_warmfeeling]

Hey now. My muscles don't always glisten.

[They do quite often, though. Not that he ever admires them or anything.]

Bowling sounds great to me. It's a nice way to relax... low key, like you said. Nonah's got some good lanes. All I'd need is someone to play with.

[So they're basically flirting on live radio now? Jacob's okay with that, even if part of him recognizes it may not be the smartest idea.]

[yaaas_queen]

Well, in that case I offer my services as the host of "Fix Your Selfie" to make sure you stray in the gutter a few times. At least.

[They are definitely flirting, and Gina's not even shy about it. But at least you don't have to worry about the really terrible innuendo that would come from her friends]

[darkpants_warmfeeling]

I think I'll take you up on that, Gina. Why don't I text you sometime to set up a time?

And thanks. Wish I could always get advice this great.

[He's gotta start calling into radio shows more often if this is what it can lead to.]

[yaaas_queen]

That would work to both of our benefits. So thank you for calling in, and I'll be waiting for a follow up consultation.

[You can practically hear the coy smile in her voice. Jeeze, Gina would probably be genuinely helpful more often if it meant getting offers for a date with a hot guy!]

[darkpants_warmfeeling]

You won't be waiting long. Have a good one, Gina.

[yaaas_queen]

A'ight, you too tall, dark and handsome.

[She's definitely doing this once he hangs up
]