Gina Linetti (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
yaaas_queen) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
maskormenace2018-02-05 06:53 pm
yaaas_queen) wrote in maskormenace2018-02-05 06:53 pm
Entry tags:
- harleen quinzel | harley quinn,
- † alison hendrix | n/a,
- † charles boyle | the deuce,
- † gina linetti | re;gina,
- † hans gruber | n/a,
- † jacob taylor | the protector,
- † lestat de lioncourt | n/a,
- † linda belcher | n/a,
- † qymaen jai sheelal | grievous,
- † rosa diaz | espada de muerte,
- † sadie doyle | n/a
Audio only
[For those of you network savvy imPorts, the local radio stations may be a cheap alternative to what you regularly get. But maybe you hear it in the background sometimes, in a store or on a bus as you go about your business, maybe it just starts playing on your nearest computer the way some haywire apps go. But this evening there's a good chance you might stumble on this airwave that announces itself with horns and then this little pop ditty before you hear a voice cut through it, sounding paradoxically demanding, sarcastic, and blasé.]
Good evening! Attention citizens or what--? [There's the rustle and click, like the announcer just turned away from the microphone.] Look, Mike, how can I be stealing music if I now have the power to control it, hmm? That's like telling the sun not to shine, the horses not to run, Adele to get over a breakup. So you can copyright that. And, yes, I know your name isn't Mike but you're near a microphone and I don't know what your real name is, so can we just agree that's the easiest way to identify yourself and get back to this program? Hmmkay.
Anyway, this is "Fix Your Selfie," with your host the fabulous Gina Linetti, A.C., M.P., and O.G. I am apparently required to tell you I'm not a medical or legal expert but when has that stopped me from being right? The answer is never, Mike. Never.
[There's a small pause where you can't hear anyone else but you probably feel like "Mike" is taking the brunt of this doubt. But it's over and then her voice gets more enthusiastic]
I have been brought here to soothe your broken souls, mend your damaged wings, and help you fly like a fierce eagle with the winds of self-esteem carrying you to victory! Buuuuuuut first that means I have to get to know your many, many problems. This will be a slight challenge because it's the radio and I am a master of facial expressions, and my understanding of language has transcended mere verbal cues, question face; but also easier because you won't be so distracted by my intensity and beauty that you can open up to me anonymously or whatever.
So, I turn it over to you listeners, call in and we'll start our first steps on this journey together. Just remember that because I'm telling you I care about your self-improvement doesn't mean I actually actually want to get to know you as you currently are.
[With that, there's a canned recording of a much more soothing automated voice telling you the number to contact them. Or, if you're on a computer, a button touch away from possibly connecting to this bizarre show. Do you think it's real? Maybe a parody stunt? Well, maybe you can find out if you call in...?]
Good evening! Attention citizens or what--? [There's the rustle and click, like the announcer just turned away from the microphone.] Look, Mike, how can I be stealing music if I now have the power to control it, hmm? That's like telling the sun not to shine, the horses not to run, Adele to get over a breakup. So you can copyright that. And, yes, I know your name isn't Mike but you're near a microphone and I don't know what your real name is, so can we just agree that's the easiest way to identify yourself and get back to this program? Hmmkay.
Anyway, this is "Fix Your Selfie," with your host the fabulous Gina Linetti, A.C., M.P., and O.G. I am apparently required to tell you I'm not a medical or legal expert but when has that stopped me from being right? The answer is never, Mike. Never.
[There's a small pause where you can't hear anyone else but you probably feel like "Mike" is taking the brunt of this doubt. But it's over and then her voice gets more enthusiastic]
I have been brought here to soothe your broken souls, mend your damaged wings, and help you fly like a fierce eagle with the winds of self-esteem carrying you to victory! Buuuuuuut first that means I have to get to know your many, many problems. This will be a slight challenge because it's the radio and I am a master of facial expressions, and my understanding of language has transcended mere verbal cues, question face; but also easier because you won't be so distracted by my intensity and beauty that you can open up to me anonymously or whatever.
So, I turn it over to you listeners, call in and we'll start our first steps on this journey together. Just remember that because I'm telling you I care about your self-improvement doesn't mean I actually actually want to get to know you as you currently are.
[With that, there's a canned recording of a much more soothing automated voice telling you the number to contact them. Or, if you're on a computer, a button touch away from possibly connecting to this bizarre show. Do you think it's real? Maybe a parody stunt? Well, maybe you can find out if you call in...?]
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...
How buggered am I?
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[The last part is in that vague Italian accented tone she only rarely uses because the actual mafia is such a stereotype but also very illustrative of retribution]
But, maybe he is a saint, able to rise above the petty drama that is a minor attempt on his life and those he cares about. In that case, you should try a good faith gesture, like seeking vengeance on the other people involved in ruining his life. Show him that your betrayal of trust wasn't personal, it was a thing you're capable of doing for him as well as to him.
Unless you're also still friends with them, in which case this double agent lifestyle is not working out for you and you should ease back the drama a bit.
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I think he is, honestly. He's really nice when I don't deserve it... [he trails off. sorry, what was that about platonic?] Uh-- no, god. I'm not doing that double agent-- what? No! Honestly, if the guy responsible showed up I'd tear his head off.
Okay. Uh. How do I show him it wasn't personal? 'Cause that's really good advice but I'm not sure how to start with it.
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Hmmkay, did you gain anything from the betrayal that he'd think was valuable? Money, favors, something you can pawn for a ridiculous amount of money?
Because showing someone how much you were willing to sell them out may feel like it's devaluing them, especially if it's something they don't care about, it's also nice to know you have standards. Like, my friend Jake knows I would betray him in a heartbeat if it meant getting a dance contract for Lady Gaga, but I wouldn't do that for anything less than headliner perfection.
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[SAD SAD SAD WHATEVER, RIPTIDE]
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In that case you're gonna want to go with the extreme pathetic loser route and hope he takes pity on you. Sell your devastation. Watch those animal cruelty prevention ads, the ones where Sarah Maclachlan comes to stab at your heart with her acoustic guitar? Copy that as your personal soundtrack.
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Uhh...
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Think really sad thoughts. Puppies that haven't been petted. Spilt milk. The dispassionate universe's slow descent into entropy. Then, focus all that sadness into a laser beam to make your friend feel sorry that you feel really sorry.
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[he thinks for a moment.]
Think buying him something would work?
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...
V...video games?
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[HE'S NOT GOOD AT THIS.]
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...keep in mind what I said about practicing that pity party. Have a backup plan that plays to your non-puppet strengths.
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[oh, riptide. you are in for a shock.]
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