maskormenace | Audio only

[For those of you network savvy imPorts, the local radio stations may be a cheap alternative to what you regularly get. But maybe you hear it in the background sometimes, in a store or on a bus as you go about your business, maybe it just starts playing on your nearest computer the way some haywire apps go. But this evening there's a good chance you might stumble on this airwave that announces itself with horns and then this little pop ditty before you hear a voice cut through it, sounding paradoxically demanding, sarcastic, and blasé.]

Good evening! Attention citizens or what--? [There's the rustle and click, like the announcer just turned away from the microphone.] Look, Mike, how can I be stealing music if I now have the power to control it, hmm? That's like telling the sun not to shine, the horses not to run, Adele to get over a breakup. So you can copyright that. And, yes, I know your name isn't Mike but you're near a microphone and I don't know what your real name is, so can we just agree that's the easiest way to identify yourself and get back to this program? Hmmkay.

Anyway, this is "Fix Your Selfie," with your host the fabulous Gina Linetti, A.C., M.P., and O.G. I am apparently required to tell you I'm not a medical or legal expert but when has that stopped me from being right? The answer is never, Mike. Never.

[There's a small pause where you can't hear anyone else but you probably feel like "Mike" is taking the brunt of this doubt. But it's over and then her voice gets more enthusiastic]

I have been brought here to soothe your broken souls, mend your damaged wings, and help you fly like a fierce eagle with the winds of self-esteem carrying you to victory! Buuuuuuut first that means I have to get to know your many, many problems. This will be a slight challenge because it's the radio and I am a master of facial expressions, and my understanding of language has transcended mere verbal cues, question face; but also easier because you won't be so distracted by my intensity and beauty that you can open up to me anonymously or whatever.

So, I turn it over to you listeners, call in and we'll start our first steps on this journey together. Just remember that because I'm telling you I care about your self-improvement doesn't mean I actually actually want to get to know you as you currently are.

[With that, there's a canned recording of a much more soothing automated voice telling you the number to contact them. Or, if you're on a computer, a button touch away from possibly connecting to this bizarre show. Do you think it's real? Maybe a parody stunt? Well, maybe you can find out if you call in...?]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Well, you don't sound like Oprah, but new worlds mean new TV show giving multi-millionaires...

[Since hearing that maybe the rules of fictional worlds and real ones could be flexible, Gina might briefly hope you're Lex Luthor (sorry, Tony, canon gave her dream entrepreneur goals to the bald jerk), but she's taking this radio time to clandestinely search on her phone for more results, well she'd do it even face to face but this one seems more stealthy]

No, I'm not Oprah. [ A half-laugh. ] Just a generous individual who knows exactly the type of people to invest in.

[ A beat. ] And when someone has charisma, they shouldn't keep the world from seeing it.

That does make my plan of taking over the YouTube and Twitter equivalents much easier if you're offering. So instead of scratch it would be the gourmet cake mix of social media planning.

[And because Gina may be a narcissist but not a total fool] What conditions are you asking for in this TV venture?

Oh, well if you want to take over the social media giants... [ A half-laugh. ] I can make that happen in a blink of an eye.

And let's see... I think the only condition would be the opportunity to come on and plug the big products. No more than once a quarter required. [ See how magnanimous he is? ] Oh, and probably 30% of the advertising profits to cover the overhead.

Hmm, where I'm from typical profit overhead for media is 23%. But new dimension, new rules. I mean, they haven't even invented dabbing, much less started to ruin it in ads for middle aged housewives.

So. I give 30% in exchange for trial period, no non-competing clauses, and dibs to keep a sample for anything I plug. Because, while I am amazing at creative truth telling, for the sake of the deep trust that is earned between a person with money and my effort in getting that money, I should have the chance to explore the nuances of...whatever it is.

[ He's actually surprised. That's about the typical overhead for media in his world too, but he knows how negotiating works.

Either she's stupid, or sneaky. He's not above the suspicion, but... can he really say no to Gina Linetti? Of course not. ]

Oh, of course. Those are all exceptionally reasonable. My lawyers might complain a bit, but... this just gives me a great reputation for later, when I start StarkTV. [ Well, if other people can toy with the idea... ]

So this sounds like a deal.

[It's the "C+ is the best way to get what you want" method. Why negotiate 7% when you can modify the deal later after easily blowing past lowered expectations?]

Hey, lawyers love to complain. That's why they're in one of the two jobs that pays you to do it.

So what do you think listeners? Are you up for the idea of StarkTV and the full Linetti Experience in HD? [She includes a clip of more Queen because they've already been summoned what's another music licensing nightmare?]

I think that's a "yes."

You even have good taste in music -- be still my beating heart.

[ It's said with a touch of enjoyment, and then he sobers, slightly. ]

It absolutely is a yes. Hell, we might even be able to bring the next experience beyond HD to the American home. I'm thinking something truly immersive.

Of course, you can't let the power of unlimited music potential be left in the hands of rank amateurs. That leads to imbedded midis and car salesman jingles.

As long as it's not the immersive you get from a TSA search at LaGuardia, I'm interested in seeing--nay, experiencing--this bright new future.

[ There's an audible shudder. ]

Oh, it won't be anything like that.

We'll experience a bright future together. I'll even let you in on the first reveal of the tech.

It shouldn't take me...more than a month to pull something together. I'm sure I have schematics somewhere...

[ Look, he might just devise things for the sole purpose of pulling them out when convenient. Who doesn't have a new way of harnessing nuclear fuel in their back pocket? ]

[While she may have many things, including enough items to rig an impromptu blowtorch, Gina does not have new energy capabilities in her purse. But she does get the idea of devising things simply for the theatrical aspect of it.]

A month would be plenty of time to design an advertising display to go with it. I'm thinking fireworks if it's not too enclosed, silver and red, and some Kanye. But the braggy Kanye, not the sad about feelings kind.

Also if there are kids some kind of animal, does this place have any extremely tame jackals? Nevermind, I'll research that on my own..

Oh, I'm sure someone can get you some jackals. Personally? Let's go as outlandish as possible. People love that on social media, especially if they can't understand it. They spend more time overanalyzing it and giving us free additional advertising than they do moving on with their lives.

So, if you need anything, let me know. I could probably doctor up anything we need.

Finally, someone who understands the science of the spectacle.

[Not that Gina doesn't respect Holt, but he was quintessential plain no nonsense kind of boss who only infrequently let her go into property damage territory. And this sounds like carte blanche to her.]

I've started making my own connections, part of the whole burden of being famous and beloved, you know what I'm talking about. But I can cc you any updates for creating the perfect popularity firestorm—sans actual things on fire—that will come out for positive spin.

CC me, and I promise I'll read every single email. [ Like no joke. He actually will. ]

We'll leave the fire for the grand finale, how about that?

I know it's always good to go out with a bang.

And that way if the fire gets out of control, it won't ruin all the previous planning.

[ A laugh. ]

That's it exactly. You really are a woman after my own heart.

Audio only

Thanks! I'm loving your Tony and your username

ok fer real I'm back for good; and thank you! It's honestly all my roommate

no problem, I likewise drop off the face of the earth sometimes

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