Audio only

[yaaas_queen]

[For those of you network savvy imPorts, the local radio stations may be a cheap alternative to what you regularly get. But maybe you hear it in the background sometimes, in a store or on a bus as you go about your business, maybe it just starts playing on your nearest computer the way some haywire apps go. But this evening there's a good chance you might stumble on this airwave that announces itself with horns and then this little pop ditty before you hear a voice cut through it, sounding paradoxically demanding, sarcastic, and blasé.]

Good evening! Attention citizens or what--? [There's the rustle and click, like the announcer just turned away from the microphone.] Look, Mike, how can I be stealing music if I now have the power to control it, hmm? That's like telling the sun not to shine, the horses not to run, Adele to get over a breakup. So you can copyright that. And, yes, I know your name isn't Mike but you're near a microphone and I don't know what your real name is, so can we just agree that's the easiest way to identify yourself and get back to this program? Hmmkay.

Anyway, this is "Fix Your Selfie," with your host the fabulous Gina Linetti, A.C., M.P., and O.G. I am apparently required to tell you I'm not a medical or legal expert but when has that stopped me from being right? The answer is never, Mike. Never.

[There's a small pause where you can't hear anyone else but you probably feel like "Mike" is taking the brunt of this doubt. But it's over and then her voice gets more enthusiastic]

I have been brought here to soothe your broken souls, mend your damaged wings, and help you fly like a fierce eagle with the winds of self-esteem carrying you to victory! Buuuuuuut first that means I have to get to know your many, many problems. This will be a slight challenge because it's the radio and I am a master of facial expressions, and my understanding of language has transcended mere verbal cues, question face; but also easier because you won't be so distracted by my intensity and beauty that you can open up to me anonymously or whatever.

So, I turn it over to you listeners, call in and we'll start our first steps on this journey together. Just remember that because I'm telling you I care about your self-improvement doesn't mean I actually actually want to get to know you as you currently are.

[With that, there's a canned recording of a much more soothing automated voice telling you the number to contact them. Or, if you're on a computer, a button touch away from possibly connecting to this bizarre show. Do you think it's real? Maybe a parody stunt? Well, maybe you can find out if you call in...?]

Comments

[shittywizard]

You know any psychics who are big on guidance, but no so big on vague and confusing prophecies? Cause honestly, that's my ideal: some helpful direction, but no responsibilities other than continuing to live my truth.

[yaaas_queen]

My old psychic was good for all kinds of social planning, but the only vague prophetic mutterings had to do with basketball mascots. Unfortunately, she is back in my New York and I'll have to fall back on my uncanny ability to read people and situations while I look for a good one.

[shittywizard]

There's gotta be at least a couple imPort psychics. Chances that they're not totally bonkers are a little worse, though.

[yaaas_queen]

True genius can sometimes look like madness. Especially when you're predicting the future that happens to be bizarre, like the time she predicted raining frogs but it wasn't a plague it was an ice cream truck that turned over in a high speed chase and dumped dozens of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle pops over a highway pass.

[shittywizard]

[ Taako gives a low, impressed whistle, but his voice remains as disaffected as ever. ] Nice. But I meant madness more like... they might want to use psychic powers to make you ax murder someone, instead of telling you to avoid the tuna salad on Wednesday or keep an eye out for a new someone in your life.

[yaaas_queen]

[A small pause since evil psychics in her world tend to just mean fraudulent tax cheats or mob money launderer]

That's true. I've never had to worry about that back home because I have a will of iron and the insight of someone raised on infomercials for all education matters.

But have you run into the ax murdering type?

[shittywizard]

Nah, that's a hypothetical. But imPorts probably have to have some kind of higher chance of being psychic ax murderer, otherwise we wouldn't have some huge crisis every other month.

[yaaas_queen]

You mean this government didn't drag a bunch of random people, give them powers, and then drop them in a place specifically to create drama for whatever crises they think of? Because I've been treating this like some Jersey Shore-slash-Project Runway deal. But with no Tim Gunn mentorship and a lot more the Situations.