Video, open 🍸

[pickledturncoat]

[The man in the video is sitting at a bar and he has three bottles in front of him; from what can be seen of the labels, they contain whiskey, gin and vodka respectively, all popular brands. None of them are full, with the missing contents presumably inside the man, who isn't exactly sloshed, more pickled or brined, he would call it; inebriated to a chatty degree—which will become more than apparent when he opens his mouth. For the record, his accent sounds English (or Imperial, depending upon your galaxy of origin); upper class and a bit snobbish.]

I am assured by the local barkeep—who also happens to be a fine example of a human male, by the way— [the video screen is angled briefly towards the man in question, currently looking too embarrassed for words] —that these intoxicants are typical of this planet and to be quite honest, I've never imbibed anything more boring in my life. I never thought I'd actually yearn for the sap of a Plooey tree, which is a lovely thick gummy liquor that glows green like industrial slime-waste and tastes like you're licking the underside of a leaky droid, or Knockback Nectar, which is basically made from lichen that's been scraped off rocks and pickled in fuel barrels, giving it that distinctive motor oil aftertaste, and yet... here we are.

Proper liquor should make you cough so hard your eyes water and instantly make your gums go numb and your teeth buzz. I want something strong enough to melt an astromech's circuits and instead I get dishwater.

[He waves an expressive hand towards the bottles, accompanied by a histrionic sigh. His life is so hard, truly. Help him imPort network; you're his only hope.]

Comments

[vanto]

You're at the wrong bar.

[grin] Also, you look old.

[Hi Sinjir, this asshole knows your face.]

[pickledturncoat]

I—what?

[He breaks off whatever he was going to say to squint at the little screen. Yes, he knows that face too, only it's quite a few years younger than it should be, what the—]

Vanto??

[Guess who didn't notice any names attached to text messages oops.]

video;

[cleptes]

Try absinthe. It's green and very potent.

[canonized_demon]

Damn son, you can hold your booze...although it sounds like you like rust-plant runoff water more than actual booze.

Try bad Sake, it's like Pinesol and Turpentine.

video.

[littlemissfutility]

[There's a teenage girl holding back a laugh, her scarred face crinkling into a smile.]

You need moonshine.

video;

[therewillbeorder]

[He would have assumed the accent was what the locals called 'English' but given the references, he knows it's proper Imperial accent.

But he couldn't think of any Imperial officer who would be getting drunk in public like this. He didn't recognize the name either but that wasn't a surprise, he was a child when the Empire fell.]

There are many things this world is lacking. The alcohol is the least of the concerns.

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[onlydoubts]

So basically, you want to drink engine cleaner, not alcohol.

[ He's not sure there is anything as strong as some of the stuff back home, honestly. ]

video;

[pickledturncoat]

Absinthe. [He repeats the word for the bartender's benefit and the man can be heard mumbling something.] Not available here, he's afraid. [A beat.] Do you have any?

[pickledturncoat]

Pfft, no. [He waves a dismissive hand.] I would never touch anything that actually has water in it. Perish the thought.

[He takes a moment to ask the barkeep about sake, then snorts at the answer.]

Low alcohol rice wine, excuse me? Did you miss the high octane part?

video.

[pickledturncoat]

Moonshine.

[–he repeats, the word rolling off his tongue as if its alcoholic potential could be gauged by name choice alone.]

Perhaps I do. The million credit question being, where can I get some?

[pickledturncoat]

[Speaking of proper Imperial accents—hello, that sounds fairly close to one as well. And then there's the friendly personable attitude; an Imperial trademark, truly.]

Ah, the big picture, yes. As I'm given to understand there isn't a whole lot you can do to alter that, I would posit, on the contrary, alcohol is essential in enabling one to not give a Psadan's patoot about it all.

[pickledturncoat]

I would be hard-pressed to disagree that some alcoholic concoctions are very comparable to industrial solvents, yes.

[therewillbeorder]

Getting drunk is hardly a solution to figuring out how to manage living on this primitive planet.

[And there is that trademark Imperial charm.]

I assume you are from the Outer Rim then.

[pickledturncoat]

It may not be a solution, but it does make life so much more pleasant; fuzzy up the sharp edges.

What a place, the Outer Rim. Have you spent any time there? As a friend so eloquently described it—the part of the toilet bowl no-one wants to clean. You assume in error; I'm from the inner part of the bowl where all the shit goes down.

[therewillbeorder]

Aren't you eloquent.

[But...he's not wrong, Hux has to give him that.]

Is that so? Where were you stationed?

[pickledturncoat]

I'm a big hit at parties, it must be said.

Sevenmoon, Velusia system. Although, not stationed so much as born. As most of us are.

[therewillbeorder]

[He has definitely heard of that system, his lips set in a hard line. The planet where the treaty of surrender had been worked out- a dark day in the history of the Empire.]

Interesting. What is the last thing you recall before arriving here?

[pickledturncoat]

Is it? Funny the things some people find interesting that are fairly yawn-inducing to others.

The very last thing? Hmm... well, I had been heading for a cantina to have a drink, but ended up here instead. Most disconcerting, considering my level of sobriety at the time.

[therewillbeorder]

I'm going to assume that you were too drunk to recall the year then?

[Just in case he had any doubt, there is that charming Imperial cattiness.]

If so, someone should inform you about Endor...and afterward.

[pickledturncoat]

Oh, is that what you were actually asking? Your obliquitous line of questioning could use a little work. I'd be happy to give you some pointers if you like.

Endor, hm—ah yes, nice place to visit as far as the Outer Rim goes. Lovely little forested moon there.

[therewillbeorder]

I thought it was obvious - why would I want to know you went to a cantina?

You've been there? I've never visited but I heard how....green it once was.

[pickledturncoat]

It did seem like an odd question, yes.

Once was? Is it no longer so green? The greenness was a little on the excessive side if you ask me.

[canonized_demon]

Hey man, you asked for stuff that "makes you cough so hard your eyes water" and you can't get to that any faster than shitty booze. You might try a different kind of whiskey? I've had some that I swear was just jetliner fuel.

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[phoenixleader]

You're the type of person who drinks Pamarthen Port-in-a-Storm for fun, aren't you?

[ Aka the alcohol not even some of the riskiest pilots she knows would dare to drink without at least 100 credits on the table for completing a glass ]

I use that stuff to clean my hyperdrive.

[pickledturncoat]

Jetliner fuel? That sounds promising. Where did you obtain this spirituous health hazard?