maskormenace | 001

[There's the sound of some fumbling with the communicator as someone struggles to get the thing oriented and recording. For a moment, there's a flash of one giant, emerald green eye close up to the lens as the owner inspects the device.]

Is this...is this thing on? Is it recording...? Gods dammit...how the hell...

[More fumbling. Then another voice offscreen can be heard: 'Hey boss, you want me to show you how to--']

No. Look, I got this. Go over there and finish checking the inventory and let me--

[Finally, he manages to get the comm aligned and recording. The blue haired newcomer looks absolutely exasperated.]

Okay, I think I've got it. Anyway, I'm not sure who all can see this? But I'm having some issues here. Now, I, for one, am glad that I was provided employment upon working here. I kinda wish it was more in my field, but hey, beggars can't be choosers, am I right? I've run a shop before. I know business. I know how to sell. I can sell a full set of plate mail to an eighty year old wind mage. My point? I can do this job. Here's the problem:

[Darin tilts his comm to show his store, namely the Thot Topic in Nonah that he has been given management of. The store is in great shape and people are shopping and being helped by the staff. But over by the entrance there stands three seemingly disaffected teens. Two girls and a guy, and they are all taptaptapping away at their phones.]

Can someone explain to me what the hell is happening here? They've been here for hours. They're here every other day, it seems. They don't talk. The best part? Hang on.

[Okay, looks like we're moving now. Darin walks over to the group and not-so-discreetly circles them while holding his comm aloft. Maybe some eagle-eyed viewers might catch one of them texting 'omg, the old blue haired guy is back guys lmao' before Darin walks back to his original position towards the back of the store.]

Did you catch that? Did you? They're sending those messages to each other. They're talking to each other! Through their little devices! Instead of using words! Culture shock my ass, is there a priest or something out there? Because I think these kids are possessed and I do not deal with ghosts. Seriously, if anyone can offer me any insight into what the hell is wrong here, I will give you ten percent off of whatever the hell you want from my store. Hell, make it twenty percent.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I put a boogie dollar down that you start talking like this and everyone at work will think you're fly

what does fly mean

the Combee's knees

is there like a slang to common translator on this thing whats a combee and why are its knees so great Im not trying to be a jackass now I seriously wanna know

That's a great question cuz they don't have legs ihni

wait what are you trying to say I need a crash course in this texting crap its really getting on my nerves

Yeah maybe they have like schools for this or something?? old people 101

IM NOT OLD IM JUST FROM A DIFFERENT TIME!!!

okay gramps and I'm not an alcoholic I'm just drunk all the time

im beginning to think this conversation is saying a little more about you than it does me

ONE of us isn't afraid to admit our problems!!

Im not afraid to admit my problem Im talking to it right now

What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Pokémon League, and I’ve been involved in numerous Pokémon Worlds Tournaments, and I have over 300 confirmed victories. I am trained in Pokémon Contests and I’m the top Gym Leader in the entire Indigo League. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of trainers across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can beat you with over seven hundred Pokémon, and that’s just with my side teams. Not only am I extensively trained in Pokémon battles, but I have access to the entire database of the Pokédex and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo.

Wow that took way too long to edit on mobile

[Darin has to squint to really read all of that.]

[And he does read all of that.]

[So far, he understands what a Pokemon is because of Archie. The rest of that is basically so much gibberish.]

[Okay wait, hold on, he can just google some of these letters and see what comes up...]

[U...S...A...]

[I...P...]

[Huh...]

[This is interesting...]

[Just gonna read about...all of this...]

[Thank goodness for this wikipedia stuff...]

[Oh wait, I should respond to that guy, I've been keeping him waiting for...]

[SEVEN HOURS?! WHAT THE HELL?! WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL?! DID I JUST SPEND SEVEN HOURS ON WIKIPEDIA?!]

[WHO CLOSED THE STORE?? WHAT TIME IS IT?! HOLY SHIT WHAT?! THE INTERNET IS DANGEROUS!! OKAY WAIT, LET ME RESPOND TO THAT JACKASS.]

OKAY SORRY I FORGOT WHAT WE WERE TALKING ABOUT WIKIPEDIA IS THE DEVIL AND A TIME SUCCUBUS ALL IN ONE YOU WERE THROWING AROUND A LOT OF NONSENSE WORDS SO I HAD TO LOOK THEM UP BUT THEN I SPENT THE LAST SEVEN HOURS LEARNING WHAT THE UNITED NATIONS WAS

[At this point it's like 3 AM]

[Blue blinks blearily at the bar he's drinking in (Saturday night get liiiiiiiiiit) and stares at his comm]

[Lol this nerd again???]

[Darin receives back in reply a blurry photo of a bar table with like 5 empty shotglasses surrounding a used napkin, on which has been scribbled;]

oak nuggins

wait is this some place in nonah I could use a drink

[The loud blaring of club music starts the message]

[and then, screamed drunkenly:]

DEE CEE OR BUUUUUUUUUST!

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IMAGE; bless

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voice