THE MAJORITY REPORT: APRIL 10TH, 2017

[maskormods]

THE MAJORITY REPORT: APRIL 10TH, 2017Holy narcolepsy, Batman! A pandemic sleeping sickness has been sweeping the streets, dropping imPorts right and left. What sort of new medical terror is this? Where's the Prince Charming to kiss these fallen beauties out of their slumber??

HE WAS ICE SK8TER BOY
As seen in on BlueTube, Bwitter, Rumblr:
W O W!!

A new viral video of an impromptu figure skating exhibition has been making the rounds on social media lately, and it is stunning. Who knew something as simple as skating could be this moving? And to see something so beautiful coming from such a cranky little kitten, astounding!

Do yourself a favor and watch it here. You won't regret it.

TENDER HEARTS
As seen in Bwitter, Rumblr, and all the good gossip tabloids:
Is there anything more wonderful in this world than young love?

Certainly not, if recent developments are anything to go by! What seemed to begin as an budding friendship between imPorts, students at a local middle school eagerly report, seems to have blown into a full-fledged secret romance!

According to classmates Hinami Fueguchi and Yuuto Kidou, both imPorts and students of Nonah Middle School, always seemed to have what was described as a "formal, kind of uneasy" friendship. But are things looking up? Their fellow students seem to think so!

Over the last few weeks we have been informed, some of that formality seems to have been disregarded. Though Mr. Kidou seems to have opted to remain with last names (What a gentleman!), Ms. Fueguchi is reported to have begun to call him by the nickname "Kikkun", though none of their classmates seem to be sure where exactly the nickname came from.

As if that wasn't enough to get some middle school gossip going, the two were involved in what students described as a rescue so brave and romantic, it deserves its own movie moment! With the apparitions plaguing our cities this past March, even our younger imPorts weren't spared the trouble. According to onlookers, Mr. Kidou spotted Ms. Fueguchi cornered by one and valiantly cleared out the students so he could run to her rescue! Perhaps he wanted to be the only one around to do so? What a dedicated young man!

Though the pair have denied the relationship when asked about it, classmates were insistent that it was nothing more than a cover meant to protect Mr. Kidou from the potential wrath of Ms. Fueguchi's notoriously protective older brother, Ken Kaneki. Some even reported spotting the two meeting up after classes under the guise of studying, and Mr. Kidou gifting Ms. Fueguchi with numerous treats, from sweets to lunches.

Students also reported that Ms. Fueguchi had been receiving love letters from an admirer in her locker for many months. Has the secret admirer perhaps finally come forward?

What's next for this young couple? Sign up for updates and find out!

A LITTLE BIRD TOLD ME
As seen in local Maurtia Falls newspapers and heard on talk radio:
They poison them in the wild. They poison them in the park. It's hard being a pigeon in 2017. On Sunday 9th, an unprecedented number of pigeons were found poisoned in Maurtia Falls Municipal Park, done in with a squirrel or two. No other animals appeared affected. Park keepers gave no explanation for the cause, other than to say, "we condemn this impiety and lack of propriety and remain convinced the culprit made off with a dead pigeon or two."

Is it against your religion to poison pigeons in the park, imPorts? Call, bweet, or e-mail us with your comments.

I SOLOMONS SWEAR I AM UP TO NO GOOD
As seen in national and local news:
Alfie Solomons, cooking show host extraordinaire, has been arrested for bank robbery! Shock, gasp! Though there is video proof along with witnesses (as well as a lot of whispering that this isn't the first time he's been involved in illegal dealings) and though he wasn't able to provide an alibi, he maintains his innocence, claiming that someone must have either doctored the footage and tampered with the witnesses in some way (implanting false memories, paying them off, etc.) or disguised themselves as him. Despite the best efforts of his lawyer, there was not sufficient evidence to dismiss the case outright, and so it will be proceeding to trial.

THE APPLE DOESN'T FALL FAR
As seen national news, but no one really pays attention to it because it's in the science section:
The CDC reports that investigation into the very brief apple famine is ongoing. It is accurate to conclude that no imPort was behind the incident. Rumors that this was a biogenetic testing sample gone wrong persist, much to the dismay of the CDC and other government facilities.

CODE SWITCH
The Homeland Security Advisory System has moved from SOLAR ECLIPSE to OF THE HEART in honor of Dorian Gray's probably accidental sacrifice.

WANT TO SUBMIT TO THE MAJORITY REPORT?
The Majority Report comes out the 10th and 20th of every month. You may find details and submit here. The cut-off time is 12:01 AM PST on the 9th and the 19th for the corresponding dates.

Comments

Voice

[beautiful_monster]

WHO ARE THEY CALLING A KITTEN?!

Voice

[matataku]

I think it's pretty endearing, Yuri-kun.


But I've never considered you the angry type...[Until now.]

[beautiful_monster]

It's weird. At least at home they called me the Ice Tiger.

[matataku]

I wouldn't take it too seriously, Yuri-kun.

These things...they're more like a tabloid than real news.

[beautiful_monster]

You have no idea how many people believe what they read in those garbage mags, do you?

[matataku]

Like...aliens, right?


[Laugh at his own joke, Yuri. Laugh at it.]

[beautiful_monster]

[He makes a sound that might be a laugh or a groan. Does that count?]

Is it really fair to say that when you are one?

[matataku]

[You get half a point.]

You've got me there. Although we're technically all aliens to this Earth, aren't we?

[He taps his lips with his finger.]

'Angry Kitten' or not, your skating was impressive, though. Perhaps that'll be what the audience sees, and not the nickname.

[beautiful_monster]

In my experience people see both, but I can put up with it as long as they're paying attention to my skating too.

[matataku]

At the very least, it's what I paid the most attention to.


You're truly something, Yuri-kun.

[beautiful_monster]

Thanks. I worked really hard to get this good, so it's always nice to hear people appreciating it.

It's like that for you and your soccer too, right?

[matataku]

Mm. When you score a goal in front of the world, aiming to be the best...

Hearing the crowd cheer and your teammates run up to you is one of the best feelings in the world.

[beautiful_monster]

Oh, that reminds me. Do you have any soccer matches here?

Voice

[carbonfrozen]

Pretty sure it's you.

[beautiful_monster]

Why couldn't I be associated with something cooler?!

[carbonfrozen]

Hey, it could be worse. It could be—

[There's a moment's pause, during which Han is clearly trying to figure out what would be worse than being called a baby animal.]

Y'know what, that's probably as bad as it gets.

[beautiful_monster]

I don't know... They called me the Russian Fairy at home. [There's a long-suffering sigh. He wasn't sure who'd started that one—probably one of his fans. Or JJ.] I think that one might be the actual worst.

[carbonfrozen]

Really? I can't imagine why. [Judging from the cheerful smirk, Han actually can.] I guess that just goes to show, it could always be worse. At least it's not, say, the Ice Fairy Kitten.

[beautiful_monster]

—Don't give them ideas! [Yuri's tone has taken on all the desperation of a teenage boy who just knows a horde of teenage girls is waiting to leap on that nickname and make it his entire legacy.]

[carbonfrozen]

What? Now I think about it, it's kinda fitting.

[Oh, no. He's on a roll.] Or, hey, why not the Coolest Cat? The Prince of Ice-Skitty? [Smashing skate and kitty together, he is so proud.]

[beautiful_monster]

Oh my god, you're even worse than they were. [He didn't think it was possible.]

[carbonfrozen]

Just saying, kid. [A moment's pause. Then, with absurd glee:] Or should that be ice kitten? [HAN.]

[beautiful_monster]

Stop. [What has Yuri ever done in his life to deserve this!!]

I should come up with a shitty name for you!

[carbonfrozen]

[Associating with Han Solo.]

Do your worst. Just know I've probably heard worse. [Says the guy who'll probably take offense at the first thing Yuri comes up with.]

[beautiful_monster]

[There's a long pause while he gives this some consideration. Whatever he comes up with has to be good.]

Hm... You can be the Heroic Hobo.