THE MAJORITY REPORT: APRIL 10TH, 2017

[maskormods]

THE MAJORITY REPORT: APRIL 10TH, 2017Holy narcolepsy, Batman! A pandemic sleeping sickness has been sweeping the streets, dropping imPorts right and left. What sort of new medical terror is this? Where's the Prince Charming to kiss these fallen beauties out of their slumber??

HE WAS ICE SK8TER BOY
As seen in on BlueTube, Bwitter, Rumblr:
W O W!!

A new viral video of an impromptu figure skating exhibition has been making the rounds on social media lately, and it is stunning. Who knew something as simple as skating could be this moving? And to see something so beautiful coming from such a cranky little kitten, astounding!

Do yourself a favor and watch it here. You won't regret it.

TENDER HEARTS
As seen in Bwitter, Rumblr, and all the good gossip tabloids:
Is there anything more wonderful in this world than young love?

Certainly not, if recent developments are anything to go by! What seemed to begin as an budding friendship between imPorts, students at a local middle school eagerly report, seems to have blown into a full-fledged secret romance!

According to classmates Hinami Fueguchi and Yuuto Kidou, both imPorts and students of Nonah Middle School, always seemed to have what was described as a "formal, kind of uneasy" friendship. But are things looking up? Their fellow students seem to think so!

Over the last few weeks we have been informed, some of that formality seems to have been disregarded. Though Mr. Kidou seems to have opted to remain with last names (What a gentleman!), Ms. Fueguchi is reported to have begun to call him by the nickname "Kikkun", though none of their classmates seem to be sure where exactly the nickname came from.

As if that wasn't enough to get some middle school gossip going, the two were involved in what students described as a rescue so brave and romantic, it deserves its own movie moment! With the apparitions plaguing our cities this past March, even our younger imPorts weren't spared the trouble. According to onlookers, Mr. Kidou spotted Ms. Fueguchi cornered by one and valiantly cleared out the students so he could run to her rescue! Perhaps he wanted to be the only one around to do so? What a dedicated young man!

Though the pair have denied the relationship when asked about it, classmates were insistent that it was nothing more than a cover meant to protect Mr. Kidou from the potential wrath of Ms. Fueguchi's notoriously protective older brother, Ken Kaneki. Some even reported spotting the two meeting up after classes under the guise of studying, and Mr. Kidou gifting Ms. Fueguchi with numerous treats, from sweets to lunches.

Students also reported that Ms. Fueguchi had been receiving love letters from an admirer in her locker for many months. Has the secret admirer perhaps finally come forward?

What's next for this young couple? Sign up for updates and find out!

A LITTLE BIRD TOLD ME
As seen in local Maurtia Falls newspapers and heard on talk radio:
They poison them in the wild. They poison them in the park. It's hard being a pigeon in 2017. On Sunday 9th, an unprecedented number of pigeons were found poisoned in Maurtia Falls Municipal Park, done in with a squirrel or two. No other animals appeared affected. Park keepers gave no explanation for the cause, other than to say, "we condemn this impiety and lack of propriety and remain convinced the culprit made off with a dead pigeon or two."

Is it against your religion to poison pigeons in the park, imPorts? Call, bweet, or e-mail us with your comments.

I SOLOMONS SWEAR I AM UP TO NO GOOD
As seen in national and local news:
Alfie Solomons, cooking show host extraordinaire, has been arrested for bank robbery! Shock, gasp! Though there is video proof along with witnesses (as well as a lot of whispering that this isn't the first time he's been involved in illegal dealings) and though he wasn't able to provide an alibi, he maintains his innocence, claiming that someone must have either doctored the footage and tampered with the witnesses in some way (implanting false memories, paying them off, etc.) or disguised themselves as him. Despite the best efforts of his lawyer, there was not sufficient evidence to dismiss the case outright, and so it will be proceeding to trial.

THE APPLE DOESN'T FALL FAR
As seen national news, but no one really pays attention to it because it's in the science section:
The CDC reports that investigation into the very brief apple famine is ongoing. It is accurate to conclude that no imPort was behind the incident. Rumors that this was a biogenetic testing sample gone wrong persist, much to the dismay of the CDC and other government facilities.

CODE SWITCH
The Homeland Security Advisory System has moved from SOLAR ECLIPSE to OF THE HEART in honor of Dorian Gray's probably accidental sacrifice.

WANT TO SUBMIT TO THE MAJORITY REPORT?
The Majority Report comes out the 10th and 20th of every month. You may find details and submit here. The cut-off time is 12:01 AM PST on the 9th and the 19th for the corresponding dates.

Comments

[ not here ]

[ghoulking]

[ HEAVY BREATHING ]

[ not here ]

[tacticianing]

[ Please don't murder him! ]

[Video]

[sleight_of_hand]

[ Adachi doesn't even realize he tapped for the video to start, preoccupied with watching that video of Yurio. ]

Hunh... he is really good. Shame he's such a brat.

[ And... that's when he realized he was recording. Whoops; he shrugged slightly, before turning his attention to more important things. ]

Am I the only one that thinks Solomon-san robbing a bank seems... not like him at all? I only talked to him a few times, but still...

text; registered username dh4z3

[nastygram]

dude every time there's a crime you get people on tv giving interviews like ~ we never saw it coming ~
but u know what they say
still waters run deep playa



THAT BEING SAID, ia
like tbh who actually robs banks anymore

[beautiful_monster]

[Adachi is rewarded with a very brief video response of Yuri flipping him off before he promptly closes his end of the feed.]

video;

[leaflets]

We're not--!!

[ THE MOST LONG SUFFERING SIGH

she's just going to let her head thump onto the table she's sitting at don't mind her. ]

Video

[tacticianing]

There's nothing between us. That is the honest truth.

[There's probably not even a point in insisting this anymore, but he has to. It's quite possible his life might depend on that.]

Video

[leaflets]

I feel like the more we say it, the less people listen.

ACTION

[substrategist]

[It's all false. At least, the most worrying parts are. Sakuma knows this. But what he doesn't know is what could have prompted Kidou to spend so much time with Fueguchi in the first place. It wasn't as if Kidou wasn't aware that Fueguchi and Kaneki were ghouls. So, was it obligation? And if so, where on earth could it have come from and who did Sakuma have to yell at for putting Kidou in that position?

It's those questions that finally convince him to leave his room and head for Kidou's. He won't get answers if he doesn't ask, after all. And the only one the rumor includes that Sakuma trusts is Kidou.

The sound of his knuckles rapping softly against the wooden door seems louder than it is to his ears. Much like the hard swallow Sakuma forces down before he hears anyone moving around within the room.]

Kidou?

[His tone says the rest for him. We need to talk.]

1/?

[substrategist]

2/?

[substrategist]

3/?

[substrategist]

4/?

[substrategist]

[What a dirty lie! All of it!]

5/?

[substrategist]

[Deep breaths, Sakuma. Remember to breathe.]

video;

[baetiful]

[ Bird killing?? On his watch??? ]

The poisoning is an outrage. You have to be a monster to kill innocent birds in this manner. Rest assured, my team and I will be looking into this incident.

[ He and his team of mockingbirds, of course. ]

video;

[song_of_ice]

Were they among your spies too?

[Shade, Baelish.]

video;

[taraincognita]

Kidou??? Soccer kid?? Oh my god, that's so cute. Adorable.

[tara, you're the same age.]

Hey, can I be your best man??

video;

[tacticianing]

No.

@dh4z3

[nastygram]

my religion actually IS pigeon poisoning
serious props to brave MF anon hero doing LORD'S work 🙌🙌🙌

permatext

[deadtective]

I think we should all just be glad that he found a three-dimensional girlfriend without having to order one.

permatext; omg hazel

[leaflets]

That's mean, don't say that!

...Besides, I think he's dating a soccer ball. Or actual soccer.

Video;

[matataku]

Kikkun.

[He's not sure what's funnier: that or the idea that Kidou was just called a secret admirer. And the fact that he snorted when he heard that is enough to say it, trying to stifle down anything more.]

Rumors will be rumors, I guess. [Shikataganai...

He'll move onto something less...humorous.]


Yuri-kun's performance was beautiful...It's no wonder he was the best in the world.

[He's got some tough shoes to fill if he's gonna learn to stand on the ice with that.]

Angry kitten, though? [Scratch that--TWO humourous things.]

Video;

[leaflets]

I didn't think a nickname would cause so much trouble. And studying together.

Voice

[dun_moch]

[Does Count Dooku sound a little more smug than usual? Nah, it's probably your imagination.]

How pleasing to hear the media admitting that imPorts were not responsible for the blight. Now let us see if they are willing to question whether the true source of this incident involved reckless government testing.

Voice

[faithfulson]

[ He's been trying to keep a low profile on the network, especially after seeing his father's name appear on it, but this report about apples, and this response to it, is a cause for concern. If the first people to blame are the imPorts, then doesn't that mean they're not really that safe here? At least, he's hoping that's what the bad feeling tugging at the back of his mind means as he replies. ]

Are we usually the first people to be blamed when something bad happens?

Voice

[beautiful_monster]

WHO ARE THEY CALLING A KITTEN?!

Voice

[matataku]

I think it's pretty endearing, Yuri-kun.


But I've never considered you the angry type...[Until now.]

video;

[kingsroads]

Has anyone asked the golem about the recent bird deaths?

[ yes, Shale smushes birds not poisons them BUT LOGIC LIKE THAT'S NEVER STOPPED PETTY GRUDGES BEFORE ]

video, she's in costume!

[eatsnutsandkicksbutts]

What kind of absolute jerk would do that?! Those poor pigeons and squirrels!

video;

[helpline]

We need to get to the bottom of this, [ just said 100% seriously, THIS ANIMAL MURDER SHALL NOT STAND. ]

Video;

[unbreaker]

First we had chain murders, now it's chain bank robberies...

[He shakes his head, his silence begging the question, What the hell's next?]

Hoping the pigeon-squirrel incident stays isolated. How the hell did no one see anything?

[ text ]

[ghoulking]

She is not dating anyone and that is nobody's business. [ FROM HERE. Back home there is a prince charming waiting for Hinami do not make him repeat this >:| ]