maskormenace | ( video. ) cw: blood and a deeply useless human being

( The scene:
Sarissa, with what looks like twisted up kitchen roll shoved up each nostril, the paper bloody. Her nose is puffy, bruised, the skin across the bridge of it and around her eyes looking almost purple, but it hasn’t bowed to either side.

Underneath said tragedy, Sarissa’s mouth is tugged in a wide smile. )

Fuckin’ oath, mates. My sister clocked me good. Can you see this?

( The camera is waved around, to get different angles of her poor nose. ) Bloody legend. I was worried she’d be useless at self-defence, but I take back everything. And she’s driving me to A n’ E.

( She’s in a car, by the way. A nice one. The seats are a deep red leather, and in the driver's seat but considerably less jovial is Sarah. She turns the camera to actually get a shot of Sarah for a couple of seconds before twisting the camera away again. )

It was an accident, we’re good and golden. Lesson learned, but, don’t try to tickle attack Saroula when she’s groggy.

( A sniff, and she makes a little “ow” sort of face that is more comical than sincere. )

Anyway, just wanted to say we’re gonna have a big fuck off barbie at ours, soon. Last part of the summer— or uh, first part of the autumn? And if you happen to also have a homicidal ex-boyfriend who has been ported out for more than a month, then you get to receive a special prize. Like, I dunno. You can take home the bouncy castle, or something. Everyone’s invited, unless I don’t like you, but if you ain’t sure and you got a seal of approval from one of the girls, then you’re good. But everyone bring some food or something, ‘cause I ain’t cooking endless bloody mountains of food when I don’t know how many people are turning up. For one, I'm cheap, and for two, I'm lazy.

( Another little sniff, and Sarissa looks across at Sarah. Dramatically: ) Do you reckon I can still get away with serenadin’ myself in the mirror? You’re beeeeautiful—

( That might just be Sarah’s hand reaching over to try and knock Sarissa’s device out of her hand. )

No, Sarah, you broke my nose, you get to listen to me sing James bloody Blunt, that’s the rules. Maybe Snow Patrol, okay, or Shania, that’s my compromise.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

How could I possibly turn down an authentic Australian barbie? I'll bring the empanadas!

Just one question: Will there be shrimp on the barbie?

( Her expression goes from cheery grin to gently horrified in 0.236. )

Uh, no, because there ain't a single Australian who says "shrimp." That's some American bullshit, that is.

Might be prawns, but. What's an empanada?

Fair enough. [ Shrug. ]

Oh man, if you've never had empanadas before I'm gonna blow your Australian mind. They're little fried pastries filled with various goodness. In my family, we use shredded beef or pork and potatoes.

( She squints, A Little Suspicious. New foods and Sarissa, almost always treated with extreme caution. On the other hand, fried pastries. )

How badly could a fried pastry go, right? All right, yeah, attempt to blow my mind, but know that others have tried and failed.

My abuela's recipe won't fail. I'll bring a rice dish too, how about that?

Rice is usually safe.

( But she still sounds suspicious. ) Like what kinda rice dish?

Arroz con Coca-Cola. Everyone likes Coke, right?

Don't worry, it's surprisingly good.

I'm—

( Hmm. She's having a brief flashback to how appalled Georgia was when she mentioned wanting to try macaroni and cheese quesadillas. )

Cautiously optimistic.

( Which is to say: she'll make Sarah or Cosima try it and then think about if she wants to actually try it. )