Video;

[thehawksnest]

[As soon as the video begins, Clint is visible, wearing a leather jacket and terrible looking sunglasses. Even worse is his voice, he's doing his best impression of every douchy-sounding 2000s gameshow announcer / youtuber.]

Heyyyyyyy dudes! I'm here at-

[He glances around, having forgotten the name of the local pizza joint that he's visiting. No signs are visible.]

THIS PLACE! I'm gonna get some yummy 'Za, but I figured I would make it interestinggggggg and let you dudes decide what toppings I'm gonna get! You name it, I'll eat it! Comment soon with your choice, and don't forget to like that smash button! B-man out!

Comments

[divaricate]

Chocolate syrup.

[thehawksnest]

[His goofy attitude comes crashing down instantly.]

That...that's not what I...

Motherfucker...

[He lets out a mighty sigh, annoyed that someone would ruin his bit, but is fully committed to seeing it though. It's happenin'.]

[divaricate]

[ :D ] Also, slices of boiled egg.

[thehawksnest]

[He holds a hand up to the screen as if that would actually silence her.]

Nope! Gotta stop ya right there, only one topping per person. You want chocolate, you got chocolate!

[divaricate]

You didn't say that from the start.

And pineapple.

[thehawksnest]

[He shakes his head slowly, clicking his tongue.]

Sorry, Wanda. You shoulda been more careful if you wanted something different. I'm committing your slice to the syrup, which honestly shouldn't even be a thing since that's not a pizza topping. Be happy I'm doin' this much.

[divaricate]

Get ham and anchovies, too.

Or are you not fun? [ attempting to troll him into this ok ok ok ok ]

[thehawksnest]

There's the sensible suggestions! Where were those? I'll destroy a ham pizza anyday! Also the FUN is me letting assholes like you pick out my food. Fun, like, things people enjoy. Aka not chocolate pizza.

[divaricate]

Put the chocolate syrup in a blender with boiled eggs, pineapple, anchovies, and ham. Then blend it.

That's my one topping.

[thehawksnest]

And I will take that concoction, and pour it into the fanciest glass I have, and deliver it straight to your door. It's your baby, you gotta follow through and chug it. It's not goin' on my 'za.

[divaricate]

Then I will put one of those shitty paper umbrellas in it, and hand it back to you for you to drink.

[thehawksnest]

Yeah, well, don't dish out watcha can't take. I'm getting ham, and I'll dip one slice in the syrup. Thus sayeth Clint, and thus it shall be!

[divaricate]

You had this idea first anyway about the pizza.

I was just making it fun.

[giant smile.]

[thehawksnest]

Yanno, I'm beginning to think that we either have very different definitions of fun...or you're just a trolly goof. You and me are gonna have to do this together sometime, then you can put your money-pizza-flavor-this-metaphor-fell-apart where your mouth is! For now, I'm starved.

[divaricate]

Exactly.

Have fun with your boring pizza.

[wanda, out.]

i'm really really sorry

[notawitch]

[Well, look who it is.

For once, this is posted under his own name, without adopting the glamour of someone else for the video feed, so Clint can see exactly who it is. Just for you, buddy! Don't you feel special? Look how friendly he's being.]

Clint! It's been some time, hasn't it? How's the family?

[thehawksnest]

[If glares could melt then Clint would need new glasses (as if he didn't already). He removes them to properly give the camera his wrath.]

The family is safe, sound, and far out of your reach. Especially so, in this place. If your Assgardian butt got dragged here too then I feel a lot better about the last time. Turns out it really was just a tiny man behind a big scepter all along. What the hell do you want.

[notawitch]

[If he's bothered by the hostility he doesn't show it (well, of course not, it was the goal in the first place. Loki has been really bored here okay). Instead, he spreads his hands in mock surprise.]

Why, I'm merely inquiring after an old friend. I'd no idea you were here. And here I've been so lonely.

[thehawksnest]

Oh well that's a damn shame. Lemme see if I can find a single fuck to give about your tragic situation.

[He makes a show of fishing around in his pockets.]

Nope, damn, fresh outta fucks to give. I did find these birds though.

[Clint then proceeds to flip Loki off with a double middle finger.]

YEARS LATER

[notawitch]

[Loki doesn't bother to respond to that, which is entirely because Clint is being dumb and not at all because Loki can't think of one due to his confusion regarding Midgardian dis tactics.

Anyway. He leans his face into the palm of his hand instead, like he's thinking.]

And how have you been faring here without my guidance? Not too lost, I hope? I'd hate to think I left my favorite underling wandering adrift.

video

[am_i_a_monster]

Smoked salmon, crème fraîche and caviar.

[She tries to get a look at the place he's in].

They might not have that. Go with fennel, Italian sausage and roasted red peppers. If they don't have that - get mozzarella, fontina, parmesan and goat cheese.

Smash button?

vid

[knaval]

Banana, spaghetti, mustard and durian.