maskormenace | THE MAJORITY REPORT: SEPTEMBER 10TH, 2018

THE MAJORITY REPORT: SEPTEMBER 10TH, 2018THAT TIME OF YEAR AGAIN, ladies and gentlemen! FanPort has been another celebrity success, a glowing time for imPorts to interact with their adoring fans. And all in a safe, environment! No terrible deaths in bathrooms happening here, no siree.

WHAT'S A GOD TO A RETIREMENT HOME?
As seen in the Human Interest section of Maurtia Falls's city paper:

The Peaceful Glaciers Retirement Home requests that citizens of Maurtia Falls be on the lookout for a recently escaped resident. He arrived early September, but by the fifth, had already escaped. Processing was difficult, as the resident was unable to provide a name, but if any catch word of the wanderer, it's asked that you please notify the staff at Peaceful Glaciers immediately. It is not expected that the resident is dangerous, but may be in danger, as the staff at the nursing facility reported that the resident was disoriented and unable to communicate. When asked for a description, the staff could only offer that he "wasn't that old", and that he appeared to be in his mid-fifties. They report that he was otherwise, completely forgettable.

WHAT'S THE STORY, LAVATORY?
As portrayed on all relevant local news stations:

FanPort is one of the biggest events of the year and it's return to Heropa after spending a year in Nonah was highly anticipated, bringing imPort fanatics from all over. This bright and exuberant event was unfortunately marred by death. Discovered late in the day on Saturday, a man was found face down in a toilet bowl, in an otherwise locked stall. Due to the circumstances surrounding his death and the cause - drowning - authorities are labeling this a homicide. Speculation is it was a mugging gone wrong as the victim's wallet and all identifying papers were missing from his person, but what can be assumed to be his purchases were left with him. However, nothing conclusive has been found and police have not released any further statements in relation to the case.

Authorities are asking for help in identifying the victim. Please contact the Heropa Police Department if you know anyone who did not return from the convention when they should have and you have otherwise lost contact with.

THE DUO CURRENTLY KNOWN AS THE AMERICAN ELECTS
As seen in all imPort city media:

A generous congratulations to Ambassador Logan Delos and Deputy Ambassador Peter Maximoff. This race had been notable more contentious that prior campaigns, given the recent trauma that Maurtia Falls had suffered as a city in its whole. Nevertheless, the duo, and Mr. Delos in particular, have created quite a stir among the local population -- a tidal wave of sentiment perhaps in part inspired by FanPort. Rumors about Delos fly from Mayor Petyr Baelish's personal blessing of his campaign to whispers of the torrid love affairs he has already experienced with several imPorts and imPort-related appliances.

When interviewing Fen Farnes, Silver Phoenix Magistrate of the Logan Delos Defense Squad, our intrepid report had asked about these rumored affairs. To which Mr. Farnes replied:

"Everyone THINKS they know the facts but I bet y’all didn’t know that John F. Kennedy was really just ‘John Kennedy’ until he died. The ‘F’ was added later to pay respects. In this essay, I will..."

Until his microphone was disconnected.

Mr. Delos' alleged Brother-In-Law could not be reached for comment.

CODE SWITCH
The Homeland Security Advisory System has moved from NEUTRAL MILK to THAT'S WHAT SHE RED.

WANT TO SUBMIT TO THE MAJORITY REPORT?
The Majority Report comes out the 10th and 20th of every month. You may find details and submit here. The cut-off time is 12:01 AM PST on the 9th and the 19th for the corresponding dates.

THE MAJORITY REPORT: SEPTEMBER 10TH, 2018

video;

video;