maskormenace | 19. No special today, the kitchen is closed

depends
has this person been gone very long?

a few days. and she's gone, gone- her name disappeared from the directory and all

i should specify that it's my mom, too

yeah
i don't think anyone should expect you to be your usual self after only a couple of days
you shouldn't, either
it's okay to take time to grieve, you know?

i've lost my family here, too
it's harder than anything else

is there anyone else looking out for you right now?

thanks for saying that. my family means more than anything in the world to me

i was by myself for my first 5 or 6 months here, then mom got here and it gave me hope that the rest of them would show up, and they never did, so now i'm feeling a little like i'm never going to get to go back to them

so that's true, i can't be over it in a few days

yeah, i've got a friend on her way over.

when i first imported, i was by myself, too
after a few months, my brother showed up. it was nice. we'd never been apart, before
but he left
he comes back every now and then, but it's hard to have someone important to you and to lose then
even when they come back, it doesn't erase how much it hurt to lose them
it's hard not to expect to lose everyone else

if she doesn't bring anything over, make sure you get some food headed your way
i can never cook when i'm upset

it sucks, doesn't it? I'm the oldest and my siblings and I have always been close. i miss looking after them and it's even more frustrating when i get sent home through the porter, then come back here with more memories from home

but none of them ever come with me

so i have to remember that we're separated all over again. i try not to let it get to me too much because I can't change it, and i've got plenty of people here who i love and who look after me. but i think about them all the time.

that's a good idea. come to think of it I haven't eaten since yesterday

thankfully there's like a dozen places that deliver around here

it doesn't help the heart, but it helps keep the rest of you running

i can't imagine how much harder that is
i've never gone home, so i've never had that kind of repetition
i'm sorry that you keep experiencing it

nice way to put it! i'm a stress cooker but I guess this isn't stress really. and even cooks need to just break down and order pizza now and then

i hate it :( it's only happened twice; i'll be gone from here a day and come back with a year's worth of memories

on the one hand it's nice to be with my family again and know they're still ok, but on the other hand, again, I come back here and they're still at home

the mental whiplash seems really stressful too
having to sort two different versions of a year in your mind
but if you've had to do it, it's not impossible that it's something similar for your mom
some people take a little longer to come back
but, maybe that's just me
i'm not good at thinking of anything as "forever"

yeah, you never know who's going to show up. i have to keep clinging to the belief that she'll come back. or maybe if it's not her, it'll be my dad or my brother or sister.

or I'll just get to go back home to them, that would be nice.

"forever" isn't a sure bet anywhere, but especially here. The porter makes sure of that.

yeah
it's hard to know how to balance hope, too
"forever" is impossible, but it's hard to hold onto those feelings for long stretches, if they consume too much of your heart
to keep an open heart is exertion all its own
you know?
like how you get tired faster if you sprint instead of only walking

i know that feeling well. I've always been a kind person and tried to be honest and open about my feelings, and be positive and hopeful

but it really is tiring sometimes. at times like this i find it hard to keep sight of hope and remember the good things i still have here

which feels selfish but hey, I guess i can be selfish now and then

you have to be willing to take care of yourself too
maybe it seems selfish, but
for as long as you're here, you're your own constant
you know?
it's nice when you can rely on other people, but at the end of it, the person who has to live with you is you

[ ruka is an expert at giving advice she never follows, but hey! just because she's fucked up beyond repair doesn't mean other people have to be!! ]

that's a good way to put it. No matter how bad I feel, i can't neglect myself entirely. bare minimum i need to remember to eat and drink and bathe. the basics.

the rest of it can come afterward. taking care of myself means i can focus on the bigger picture.

yeah
if i may ask
how old were you, when you first came to this world?
how old are you now?

I was 13. i'm going to be 15 next month, and it'll be 2 years in this world in... april or may I think

they're big years
i think 14 was the hardest one for me

i was 11 when i was taken from my world
i haven't been back since
not for real, anyway

i don't know all the things you've gone through
but
it's hard to grow up in a place like this
i don't think that part's changed much

they really are. so much development happens, and it comes at you so fast. even things like physically growing.

11 is so young to be brought here, though. no matter where we come from is IS hard to grow up here. this world isn't quite made for younger kids. the native population can have that problem, too. i'm often left wondering why we were brought here.

it was an easier question to answer when Lachesis was awake
now i don't know for sure
but i think she must be aware of us
so perhaps she hasn't changed so much, even if she can't speak like she used to

but it's not an answer that brings peace

i wish we could have the chance to speak to her again. i have things i want to ask.

i'd drive myself crazy thinking about it and wishing too much, though- so yeah, it doesn't bring much peace. sometimes life is like that, though

I need to bring myself back on track and keep trying to make the best of my time here despite what it keeps throwing at me

if it's any consolation
even if she were awake
she wouldn't answer your questions in good faith

she had a tendency to
teleport people a mile off-shore into the atlantic ocean
if they were boring her
or fuss with their powers
or blare music from your communicator at three in the fucking morning

honestly, that pisses me off a little bit but it does make sense, too

she has no real reason to be truthful or compassionate or understanding because we're stuck here and can't do anything about it

so why not be a brat

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