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[merging]

Hey. Has uh anyone heard from Kanan? Like today. Or yesterday. Recentlyish.

[He sighs, not quite sure why he's doing this. He must seem like he's overreacting, but-]

He missed our lesson today which has literally never happened.

[Here, at least. Here for Ezra right now happens to be NeoJedha in Maurtia Falls. He's about to end the message when he realizes this is technically the first time he's posted on his own while not pretending to be Palpatine's nephew or something like that.]

I'm Ezra, by the way. I know it lists my name, but I feel like I should say it anyways? I don't know. If you know something, let me know. Thanks.

Comments

[photophobic]

[Kylo pauses in his exercises as he feels Ezra's approach, turning to face him in a familiarly fluid motion and coming to a complete stop. He waits there silently for Ezra and the tangled emotions of his loss to close the distance, his expression as difficult to read as it always is.

His head tilts slightly at the summary greeting, but he makes no effort to respond in the space between it and the words that follow, listening instead. His lips tug towards some kind of expression designed to demonstrate mild amusement.]

Normal, for me.

[It's strange, to think that there are people, now, that have enough of an idea of what he is normally like to make such observations. His attempt at a smile evaporates, expression melting back into loose, almost idle bitterness.]

Most people are uncomfortable with loss. They obsess over the right thing to do, or say, as if there is anything to do or say that will give them control over it. It isn't that they think you want comfort. It's that they want to give it.

[merging]

[Ezra kicks at some dirt. Could he get out his lightsaber and slash a bunch of things? Yes, but he's not Kylo.]

I don't think they're even considering what I want. Just what they think I need. I hate- I don't like people feeling sorry for me. Looking down on me.

Sorry, I- [he shakes his head] We should train.

[photophobic]

[Kylo observes Ezra's irritation without immediate comment, recognising it all too clearly— and when he cuts off the outburst with an apology Kylo makes no effort to chase after it.

There are better things to do with directionless frustration than picking uselessly at it with words.]

Then come.

[He tests the familiar weight of the weapon in his hand as his stance shifts. Bright and furious, the blade crackles and hums into life, casting Kylo's face in sharp red light. He turns his wrist fluidly, loosely, his lightsaber describing a smoothly twisting arc through the air.

Chaos under control.]

Show me.

[merging]

[Ezra takes a deep breath and ignites his own lightsaber, taking on a battle stance. He thinks of running towards Kylo and slashing with all his strength. He thinks of a more careful approach, using a defensive form like his master.

And then he reaches out a hand and tries what he and Kylo had worked on before. In a real battle, this would probably get him killed, but it's practice so. He doesn't envision him lifting an arm and waving as he did earlier. No, this time he thinks of the same movement Kylo had shown him. He pours all his anger into this one focus, pushing himself the way Maul had.]

[photophobic]

[Ezra's fortunate: Kylo is distracted. The boy in front of him isn't the only one of them struggling with loss or the fear of loss. He's also expecting a physical attack rather than this surge of anger.

Kylo's eyes widen slightly as the suggestion tugs at his body, his arms spreading-- but it takes him less than a heartbeat to reassert his will and arrest the motion, Ezra's fury more than matched with the strength of his own.

He is not pleased.]

[merging]

[The dark side quickly overwhelms him, not to mention Kylo's strength in return. His body feels weak, and he falls to his knees, luckily still having enough of himself to turn off his lightsaber.

He takes a deep breath, remembering the first time he had used the dark side. Well, he barely remembered it at all, so hey at least he's conscious now? His next few breaths are just as heavy, and he doesn't even look up towards Kylo.]

... I think I need a break.

[Can you say that when technically you hadn't even started? Oh well.]

[photophobic]

[Ezra's body seems to have made the decision for him. Kylo's irritation blends into a sharp curiosity, his shoulders still drawn tight as he stares down at the spectacle. There's nothing but the crackling menace of his blade to break the silence where his response should be for a breath, two— and then the sound of the power being choked off.

Kylo clips his lightsaber at his hip with a smooth, automatic motion. He stalks forwards and drops into a crouch to study Ezra's face.]

Bold of you. [He murmurs mildly, his tone deceptively light for the potential of violence held behind it— but the threat never materialises.] To attempt to control me, when you cannot control yourself.

Breathe.

[merging]

[Ezra bites back a remark about how of course he's breathing and just does it. He tries to steady himself, each breath slow and deliberate.]

I was practicing. That's what we're doing here, yeah? [Little bit of bite to that, as it's hard for him to hold everything back.]

[photophobic]

[Kylo's head tilts, slightly. He watches Ezra drawing back into himself, breath by breath. Crushing everything unacceptable under the surface.
That little display? That wasn't practice.]

Is it.
Do you know what you want, Ezra? Why you came to me, now, rather than anyone else?

[merging]

Because- dark side! Anger! Fear! All of that!

[Not the most cohesive response, but he still means it.]

Because I thought you understood? I don't know. You let me complain about Kanan, and maybe I'm reading too much into it but I figured that's because you had issues with your master. I mean, you never talk about them and seem to hate the whole idea of it.

And I really was practicing! I tried it on some of the locals and it didn't go so well, but I thought well now I have all these emotions so...

[photophobic]

[Kylo seems pleased with Ezra's response rather than irritated. It's refreshing— his willingness to examine his motivations and then to voice them. Most people don't like to give Kylo the satisfaction of an answer when he seems to be suggesting he already knows.]

You're right. I do understand. Perhaps more than you know.

[He offers Ezra his arm— he'll likely feel better on his feet, after all, and aiding him back up is one way of demonstrating the lack of lingering hard feelings.]

[merging]

[Ezra takes his arm and stands up, taking another breath as he centers himself. It's almost a sigh of relief because Kylo's not being as weird/scary as he was a moment ago. But also that's the guy's general vibe so.]

Definitely more than I know cause you haven't exactly told me anything.

[He smiles, and it's all said jokingly, but there's still the offer for Kylo to share if he wants to.]

[photophobic]

[Kylo hoards his pain jealously, the roots of his bitterness buried deep in the secrets of his past. Ordinarily, he would feel no compulsion to satisfy Ezra's curiosity at all— what claim does he have?

But there is a certain commonality. Isn't there.
His lips twitch towards a smile of his own, though there's nothing light in it.]

Haven't I?

[As if he doesn't know.]

No. No, perhaps not. But I think you know enough. After all, I'm a darksider. Aren't I. We're all the same.

[merging]

Not really? I mean, you're not creepy like Darth Maul. And you've never tried to kill me like Darth Vader. And you're different from the presence in the Sith holocron and the weird ancient Sith guy here too.

[His point is essentially: Kylo is nice?]

[photophobic]

[How... oddly gratifying. He'd been fishing (just a little) of course, but he hadn't quite expected...

He doesn't quite know what to do with his face. Which isn't new, exactly, but the problem is that his face wants to do something, and he isn't sure what. The result is a mildly unpleasant grimace that probably wanted to be something far more or far less threatening.]

You're right. I'm not Sith.

[merging]

But it's not just that either. Maul wasn't Sith anymore and he's still... And also, you've got the whole not trying to kill me thing going for you. Which I guess you could change at any time, but... I don't think you will.

[And he told Boba as much too.]