THE MAJORITY REPORT: JUNE 20TH, 2019

[maskormods]

THE MAJORITY REPORT: JUNE 20TH, 2019F A N P O R T 2 0 1 9.

A FORCE TO BE RECKONED WITH
As seen on international news, emergency broadcast channels, posted online through official Aegis Force Bwitter:
PRESS RELEASE FROM AEGIS FORCE: This month, imPort peacekeeping team Aegis Force carried out its first international operation with the cooperation of the American and Belgian governments and the support of allied imPort heroes. A base of the Otherworld Technologies Organization (OTO) was located in Belgian territory and found to be engaged in illegal genetic research to create hybrid weaponized creatures out of 'cryptid' animals. This base has now been eliminated and its experiments halted.

Information retrieved from this operation shows that the OTO is directly involved in the 'dimensional destabilization' effect that Aegis Force has been tracking, including the appearance of cryptids in this dimension. Despite internal warnings that their research could cause this universe to merge permanently with worlds imPorts come from, the OTO continues to pursue reckless attempts to contact other universes for their anti-imPort designs, focusing on dimensions imPorts are most frequently drawn from. Evidence indicates that worlds featuring Jedi, Pokemon, and Gotham City or the Avengers indicate these worlds are of particular interest to the OTO.

Aegis Force calls on all concerned imPorts, governments, and citizens to be warned of the apocalyptic threat the OTO poses to this world, and share any useful information for this investigation on the Aegis Force hotline.

TAYLOR MADE
As seen in media-centric metrics:
The morning podcast COASTER TO COASTER has been Number One on pineApple podcast for the past ten days! Observers attribute this uncanny surge in popularity to the guest appearance of Jacob Taylor earlier in the month. Rumor has it that the host Dave is opening the invitation for more imPort guests down the line.

JERKURY IN RETROGRADE
As seen in a specific zodiac column:
HOROSCOPES FOR FOLKS

aries
Do not go gently into that good night. Cling, cling to the fever of your spite.
taurus
Your friend who's achieving all your dreams is stealing your nightmares, too.
gemini
Happy birthday, baby! Happy birthday! Happy birthday! Happened birthday! Happened birth! Happened dearth! Hopping death!
cancer
They will never believe you now. Don't make their mistake.
leo
Shine bright like a diamond! Crystalize your nails, your teeth, your tongue, your heart. Bejewel their entrails.
virgo
The walls have ears. The floors have eyes. Your teeth have minds and they scream and scream and scream as you sleep.
libra
The best way to rebalance yourself is to take an ax to everyone else. You can be the most balanced in your social circle if you're grading on a curve.
scorpio
Look at yourself in the mirror. Open your mouth wider and wider. There is the black hole to your universe.
sagittarius
When you abandon society, then society will abandon you.
capricorn
You hear the wind and you think it isn't your father wailing for you.
aquarius
You can't trust every lightbulb you see. All will flicker and die, all have fuses built to burn.
pisces
Today is a good day to start a cult.

JUST YOUR TWO CENTS
As seen on Bwitter and various new outlets:
There's been a petition going around to eradicate the one cent coin in favor of a TWO CENT coin -- and the flip side? Petitioners want an IMPORT on the coinage. Popular bloggers and vloggers have made the case for Tony Stark, Persephone, Batgirl, Apollo, Blue Beetle, and Sabrina. Hot debate has started in the usual Bwitter feeds, and this seeming joke issue has turned into a deeply divisive one.

CODE SWITCH
The Homeland Security Advisory System has moved from IT'S NOT THAT DEEP BLUE FAM to SEAGREEN because if you see green, then go!

WANT TO SUBMIT TO THE MAJORITY REPORT?
The Majority Report comes out the 10th and 20th of every month. You may find details and submit here. The cut-off time is 12:01 AM PST on the 9th and the 19th for the corresponding dates.

Comments

[heliophilic]

My kind of horoscopes.

text

[monster_san]

My my, I should take care this month.

As for the coin, my question is what's going on the back.

[continuousgroaning]

why would i want to start a cult????

and what would it be, the CULT OF BURGERS

[justlittle]

I'd join any cult that came with free food.

[continuousgroaning]

i guess there are worse things to base cults around, too

food is pretty harmless

[hellogoodhigh]

oh sure let me just summon up lizzy borden and have her take a swing at my friend circle /s

text;

[dragony]

It sure did happen. Thanks for noticing.

[patchricide]

I only recently picked an Earth birthday and I already regret it.

That is remarkably quick turnaround time.

[plentystrong]

okay so OTO wants to fight imports by making their own

what sense does that make

text - closed to pokécast

[h2no]

[if anyone hasn't seen the news, archie sends it in his message.]

don't panic
but it seems like our universe is being targeted and might go down with this one if everything goes sideways

[golisolation]

[Guess who ain't been watching the news!!]

aint 2 good @ being the bearer of bad news huh
guess its a good thing u aint no reporter yo
what u meaning targeted

[h2no]

never said i was good at it
read the article dumbass

[golisolation]

fuck fine

[God Archie, making him read shit! But he does, and so he shoots off another response:]

shit man
so were u part of that take down?

[h2no]

yes
ask away-- i guess this is as best time as any to get you up to speed on this shitshow

[golisolation]

well i kno a lil about these assholes
got some faq from this kid who talks 2 damn much and then that akobi fuck was goin on about em 2 me b4
got real mad when I told him id smash em myself and that yalls failures didnt extend 2 me lol
but they been throwin mad shade @ us imports yeah?
so whats their bone 2 pick w/ us aint like we chose 2 come here

[h2no]

oh good you know that much
that's just it
their bone is that we're here
whether we chose to be or not
that doesn't matter to them
they want us dead or gone regardless

[golisolation]

ykno it sounds a lil weird but
i kinda get it

[Guzma what]

[h2no]

they tried to nuke a city
this is a different level

at least i HOPE it is

[fursleuth]

I'm gonna need some deets that are a little less cut and dry than the report. What's not in the report? What're they keeping hush-hush?

[h2no]

it's pretty honest, actually
believe me, i was there
how much do you know about the other stuff they've been up to?
because arceus above do i have some reading for you

[fursleuth]

Arch. Amigo. Capadre. Comrade. Pirate captain, oh my pirate captain.

I need everything. I've got an entire apartment that's begging for a conspiracy board, and I wanna know what's the berry-picking deal with this place.

[h2no]

dear sweet adorable pikachu
where are you
i will bring you literally over 100 pages of papers full of stuff that needs looked at









it's not my paperwork. i'm not making you do my paperwork.

[fursleuth]

Good. Because I will not do your paperwork. I'll leave it coffee stained and pinned to my wall, but it won't be filed or organized in any way that makes sense to anyone but moi.

I got my own apartment in Nonah. Can you believe the government in this place? They just give housing away. I can barely reach the door handles in the damn thing, but I don't have roommates and I can afford it all on a cashier's salary. Madness.

[h2no]

doesn't sound too different from my own system. does this involve staring at it at 4 in the morning in a haze?

oh, really? i'm in nonah, too. you can come by any time you want. anyway, send the address and i'll be over with all these files fresh off the printer.

[fursleuth]

If I can discern reality from the convoluted mess of my head, I've slept in and the day is a wash.

[so yes. and he sends over the address.]

mi casa es su casa. Especially if you bring black coffee.