iv

[adamantlyardent]

The hour is late and prime for introspection of a somber nature. Perhaps some of you awake will be keen on entertaining a question or two in that vein to pass the hours. I may yet be too young and naive to even presume to ask, but then...no one is being forced to answer me, either.

I assume many among us found themselves here in the midst of or proceeding important events -- the sort of which may be quite excruciating or merely troublesome to be interrupted. Yet for most, the days come and go -- many, many sunrises and sunsets, idle hours and chaotic seconds aplenty.

At what point did you give up on the dreams deferred by your untimely arrival in this realm? Or, if you still cling true to them, what is your breaking point? Do you know how long you're willing to cling to that which you cannot return to of your own will?

Perhaps it's the other way around, though: Those who had no hope which to speak of then...when did you begin to hold and pursue dreams in this world? Have you even begun?

Comments

[adamantlyardent]

It doesn't matter. I left and I'm not going back. I don't need a trial for it NOW, do I?

[dragony]

Hey, you brought it up.

I mean, you didn't kill anyone, right?

[adamantlyardent]

No. I might be petty and naive and unpleasant, but I'm not bloodthirsty.

[dragony]

Then no, no trial needed. [ Probably. ]

So, if you could redo it, you would skip school entirely, which you've quit now. That's one thing fixed. You wish you could have avoided some of the danger, but you hardly could have known what the danger would have been, from the start. Even now, it's not easy to know where it will come from, and where it will follow.

And you wish you hadn't talked to people, on this Network.

The people you've met here — you regret all of them?

[adamantlyardent]

There are some here who have too good of hearts to have to put up with me. In that sense, I still regret it. I can't pay any good deed back properly without bungling it up in some fashion. Assurances and forgiveness don't fix the blunders.
The real agony is that of want: Wanting to be seen, wanting to be hidden, wanting to be needed, wanted to be thrown away...I will give myself neck pain from all the back and forth.

[dragony]

[ ... ]

I think I can understand that. But, I don't know if there's anything I can say, to make it easier.

[adamantlyardent]

In truth, I doubt I would believe you even if you offered. Not out of intention to offend, but simply...out of knowing myself much better.

[dragony]

Yes. That's what I mean.

That's how it is for me, too, sometimes.

[adamantlyardent]

What a dreadful resonance. Misery truly does love company, as the saying goes, it seems.

[dragony]

Absolutely. All things crave company, in their own way. Misery's just more miserable about it.

My name's Ruka, by the way. I don't think we've spoken before.

[adamantlyardent]

Probably not.
I recognize your name, however.
Mine is Cecelia.

[dragony]

The curse of longevity, I suppose. [ Because obviously she just means All That Crap With The Original Refugee ImPorts and nothing at all to do with personal history or tabloid conjecture. ]

It's good to meet you, Cecelia.

[adamantlyardent]

[no it's definitely the tabloids and Ruka-roundups therein.]

Is it?
That is, I suppose there are worse things to spend an evening on than musing on miserable topics...

[dragony]

[ current trending, baseless clickbait: can this import raise the dead??? ten things to know before contacting the other side and tipping the scales: top artists offer their take on the illusive dragon's original form!! number five will SHOCK you! ]

Well. Nobody's dying or nearly-so, so it's a better first meeting than most of us get around here.

Small victories still count for something, right?

[adamantlyardent]

Yes, that is true.
You were good enough to avoid outright condescending me about my mishaps, the way others are wont to. I can appreciate that.

[dragony]

The people who condescend over errors and pitfalls are idiots. In my experience. Besides, we need to save our public shaming for the self-assured jackasses that deliberately ruin things for everyone. It's much more productive.

[adamantlyardent]

Do we have any of those lined up at the moment?

[gods she hopes it's Stark.]

[dragony]

There's so many, but if I name guys like that on here, they'll just show up and whine about it.

[ you bet your ass it's Stark!!! ]

[adamantlyardent]

And even if you were to message me in private, they would, perhaps, be savvy enough to track down a private conversation for their ego's sake?

[this sounds like Stark.]

[dragony]

Absolutely.

I wouldn't be surprised if they'd even interject.

[adamantlyardent]

Gods, even I have the decency to fume about such things privately, not harass a bunch of strangers.

[dragony]

That alone, and you're already better off than a good number of them.

[adamantlyardent]

I've already learned my lesson. I made one offhand remark anonymously on some other forum, and one egotist tracked me down to chat me up about it. It was wretched.

[dragony]

[ that sure sounds like Stark... ]

Ugh. A conversation with a guy like that on a normal day is wretched enough. I can't imagine how much worse THAT was.

[adamantlyardent]

It only rankled more for how dead-set he was in proving how wonderful HE was and how misguided I was. I about vomited in my mouth.