ANONYMOUS TEXT

[by_candlelight]

[ Having the animals scout out for the strange rocks so she could call someone in later to deal with them was a good idea, in her mind at least. Failing to indicate to the birds that she didn't want them brought to her however, that had been a mistake. She'd spent half the day dodging kryptonite of various colours and also trying to help calm down the animals that had gained powers. It was when she was calming down a now fire-breathing raven that another bird calmly dropped a red rock, smacking her in the head and sliding neatly into her open backpack.

That was the basic version of how she had ended up curled up against a tree feeling feelings too strongly, and ultimately ending up in some not so great thought circles. At least her basic ability to reason wasn't completely gone, and she knew something was up. However, her greater ability to reason didn't kick in and thus left her searching for opinions on the internet. ]


Monsters need not be evil, merely monstrous.

I could perhaps find peace were I to embrace the idea of being a monster instead of trying to pretend I'm a real human being.

I want to hear the thoughts of others concerning this.

Comments

[nightmarist]

what makes a human being real?

[by_candlelight]

I don't know for sure. I just know that I don't fit into that category. I don't know enough about how real people think and feel to be able to tell what's wrong with me. I just know enough to fake it convincingly enough that no one in this world has called me a monster. Yet.

[mycrosstobear]

[Hmmm.]

What do you think "monstrous" is, if it's not evil?

[by_candlelight]

Far enough from the norm that it is scary to the average person. An individual who feels nothing or feels the wrong things consistently and who does not experience guilt is often seen as a monster even if they do not typically harm people. Monsters are the Other.

text;

[plentystrong]

what are you if not a real human

a bunch of frogs in a human flesh suit

Re: text;

[by_candlelight]

[ If she weren't in the middle of red-kryptonite induced sorrow she would have totally laughed at that. ]

Unknown, if I'm not a monster. My biology is human, but I'm just mentally what most people call a monster.

Text; un: @ God

[justlittle]

Everyone has the potential to be a monster, if pushed to the right limits.

[by_candlelight]

I agree, even using the definition I am. Though I want to know what definition you are using.

Private

[hatestrashcans]

I think I get what you're saying.

Basically, you're worried that you don't play social and emotional games well enough so people are going to be morons and make your life difficult because they think you're going to go all psycho on everybody.

You're not wrong.

Honestly, you can't really make yourself feel guilty or feel enough emotions. I mean, unless you do drugs, but that's not socially acceptable either.

Best thing I've found is just to convince people you're harmless. Then even if you're weird, they won't be scared of you. They might try to 'save' you, which is annoying, but less dangerous to your well being.

As for the exhaustion of playing along, I've got nothing. I only manage because if I don't the lives of people I actually care about will get shittier.

Seriously, don't worry about it. I'd take a monster over a human any day. The most fucked up things I've seen have come from the most 'human' and 'empathetic' people.

Re: Private

[by_candlelight]

You have a lot of insight into this. Is your situation the same as mine at a glance, or similar in some other way.

I wish people understood that people like me rarely want to 'go psycho'. I want to do right by the world, and society at large. I just didn't come to that decision through emotions or morals. I can't say I'm less of an inherent danger than anyone else, not after everything I've been taught to do. But I can say I have no desire to kill people without the defense of myself and others as the cause. Even then if the person is some unskilled idiot waving a gun at me I don't see a reason to kill him unless I can't disarm him. In the past, no matter how much people have abused me for this specific thing I have never had the urge to kill them. I can't see that changing any time in the future.

[ Her solution to the problem of 'a ton of people want to kill me and I literally cannot live among other people for fear of assassination attempts' had, after all, been to try and find a way to yeet herself into another world somehow. She didn't even blame the people who wanted to kill her: She'd basically been a publicly well known terrorist, and there was far more public testimony to say she was evil than there was to show she'd been playing the people who forced her to commit atrocities like violins. ]

As long as their attempts to 'save' me don't involve trying to brainwash me I'm fine with them making attempts.

I think the exhaustion will be less of an issue if I don't have to pretend to myself, too. I'm fine with curating my personality based on who I'm around. I think that's normal for everyone. Pretending to yourself is far more exhausting than simply omitting information, and with my past I'm starting to think that most imPorts at least won't think any of my oddities are from being a monster, but will instead jump to 'trauma response'.

I could write several books about how people who call themselves empathetic are among the worst. They can only ever really account for the normal range of human experiences and think that anyone they don't understand is the one to blame, even if that person is hurting no one. They impress their own emotions on to the people they are communicate and rarely actually let the other person talk. "You're feeling sad." when you can't be bothered to smile because you're feeling absolutely nothing, and ignoring you when you correct them. When they kill people they usually act like their feelings on having killed are more of a big deal than the fact they just killed someone. I'm sure they're not all uniformly frustrating, but I have yet to meet one who wasn't and it has left me with a poor impression.

text

[am_i_a_monster]

Do you mean monsters are just following their true nature? I think that way too sometimes. That they're not evil. They have a different way of viewing the world. I've even loved a couple people that would be considered monsters.

I think you should consider why you've been trying to pretend you're a real human being. Is it because you've been pressured to pretend? Or is it because you don't really want to be a monster?

Re: text

[by_candlelight]

I think that monsters are not uniformly harmful. The definition of monster I'm using here is talking about those who seem to the average person as other, somehow grotesque for their thoughts or outlooks. Some monsters want to destroy the world, and those individuals should be stopped. Other monsters just want to watch a horror movie and not have to pretend that it in any way disturbs them. Some monsters just want to admit they feel nothing and not be treated to an army of pitchforks as if they're an inherent danger for existing.

Most people get violent when they see something that looks like a human, but it turns out it isn't. There are plenty of people who aren't even as monstrous as I am who get constant harassment or worse just for daring to exist and not pretend to be capable of experiencing a full emotional spectrum. I can handle harassment and violence, it's just exhausting and better avoided. I've been pretending to myself that I'm not a monster though. Probably because I know I won't want to go back to pretending if I stop. [ Was her conversation with Ronan helpful for figuring this out? Absolutely. ] I'm fine pretending to others, but once I stop pretending to myself I know I won't want to ever pretend otherwise again, because it would be such a relief to just embrace the fact that to most people I'm monstrous, and that it's okay for me to be that way so long as I don't go around doing harm without good reason.

text

[criminallysane]

Don't worry, sweetpea. You haven't got what it takes~

Re: text

[by_candlelight]

What is your definition of a monster?

text

[melodramagic]

well
you said it yourself didn't you?
monsters could be more human than a human and humans could be more monstrous than a monster

Re: text

[by_candlelight]

Using the definition of 'monstrous means evil or harmful', yeah. At least when a monster does something terrible they usually understand that fact. When a human does something terrible they're more likely to justify it as some sort of good.

Monsters just accept that it's something terrible and don't mince words about it with themselves.

text;

[goodtobebad]

speaking as a monster

its not so bad

it can be fun

Re: text;

[by_candlelight]

I'm more concerned with how exhausting things are than anything else. Having fun is easy. Not feeling like your very soul needs a 10,000 year long nap is a lot harder.

Not to knock having fun as a monster or anything. I'm just a simple being who can have a lot of fun with a lot of stupid stuff that is less monstrous and more 'I grew up with cell phones and as long as that phone has a camera I can have fun'. Making a goal to take a picture of some place you're not supposed to be is an oldie but a goody.


[ She may have taken a little time to schmoogle that phrase to make sure she got it right. She still trusted spell check too much to spell it 'goodie' though. ]

[photophobic]

[Honestly, Ronan's covered most of what Kylo has to say. Buuut it's bathtime, and bathtime is trawling the network time, so:]

Why is choosing one label or the other so important to you?

[by_candlelight]

I like having things about myself defined when I can. It helps me keep a closer eye on my mentality. In this case it would also be something of a comfort, because of a lot of reasons, but in part because if I see myself as a monster I won't have to bother with telling myself I'm not one when people start using it as an excuse to be assholes-at-best.

text;

[golisolation]

labels r dum
if being who u r makes others c u as a monster then b a monster who gives a shit

[Thanks Guzma.]

Re: text;

[by_candlelight]

Solid advice. Cheers.

[ There is a 4 minute interval before another message is sent. ]

That wasn't sarcastic.

[a_good]

A monster is something that's evil by nature. That's what makes it a monster.

[by_candlelight]

Dragons are monsters but they aren't evil by nature. A dragon could be evil, of course, and depending on the mythology a majority might be. But go to another mythology and they're sacred protectors who look after and guide humanity. Even within the different mythologies they are just as varied as humans when it comes to their personalities. But they're still monsters, because to humans they are Other.

Depending on who you talk to ghosts are monsters. Ghosts are sometimes just the spirits or lonely people or children who met a sudden death.

The definition of monster you're using is a valid definition, but so is mine. They both have a history of usage. They do in my world at least.

anon text;

[codeofiron]

[He considers this carefully for a while.]

A monster hurts others without thinking. If you don't do that, you're human.

Re: anon text;

[by_candlelight]

I see. The definition I'm using is different, but I'm fairly used to definitions similar to yours.

[ In reality, it was people that accused her of being that type of monster that had her even start thinking of how she defined 'monster'. Though, her interpretation had been severely affected by the fact that she was being called a monster in a different language, using multiple different words whose usages ranged from 'beast' to 'strange creature'. The fact that it was similarly ambiguous in English probably helped no one. ]

I don't do that, but by the definition I'm using I qualify as a monster. Dragons are monsters, even though they aren't inherently harmful creatures. The same goes for a lot of other entities, they're just Other.

[Anonymous]

[prophesiedone]

What makes them monstrous? Their appearance? If the inside doesn't match the outside, the term isn't really appropriate.

You should be yourself as long as you're not hurting anyone else.

Re: [Anonymous] (Sorry I'm late, health happened. Feel free to ignore)

[by_candlelight]

Being 'other'. Being outside of what the average person can relate to or understand. In my case it's fitting so far outside the box that I wouldn't even register as human in anything but body.

Why is the term not appropriate?

I intend to be whatever I am, but having a term to call myself in my internal monologue, even if that term is 'monster', isn't going to hurt anyone.